Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sex during pregnancy - very personal!

74 replies

MummyToBe89 · 19/05/2019 16:55

Hi all, fairly new to mumsnet and hope this isn’t too personal, I feel embarrassed writing it but I’d love your opinions.

My wife is 9 weeks pregnant with our first child and is terrified of having sex. We are a same sex couple so there would be no deep penetration (I can feel myself blushing!) but it’s not that that she’s worried about.

She feels that a strong climax may result in harm to the baby due to the contractions. I think she’s scared it could detach. I told her I’d read it’s actually encouraged during pregnancy especially as it brings couples closer together, but she’s too scared and of course I’d never push her.

I’m just worried that after 9 months of this we may grow apart. In the past if we’ve had a troubled patch and haven’t been intimate we’ve felt very much like 2 friends living together. It’s very common for lesbians to feel this way I believe it’s called lesbian death bed.

Did anyone else feel the same during pregnancy. I have told my wife we can wait until she’s ready and I’d never tell her I posted it on here, but would love to hear your thoughts.

I should add she suffered from one previous miscarriage which is why I am totally understanding of how she feels.

OP posts:
codenameduchess · 19/05/2019 18:04

I get where you're coming from op, I also understand the worry after a loss as it's not always rational! With my first I worried about everything... i once cried because I'd lent forward and squished my tummy at about 6 weeks (when the embryo is definitely still in the pelvis) and convinced myself I'd loose the baby!

As far as sex goes, the first 12 weeks or so I felt so paranoid about harming baby and generally feeling crappy so dh didn't get a look in until well into the 2nd trimester when I could stay awake past 8pm. Third trimester was a lot better and we were at it at least once a week until baby came then it was a good few months.

I'm 12 weeks with our second now and we haven't had sex since the bfp at 4 weeks, only this time a combination of a 3 year old with no sense of personal space and feeling generally crappy. Poor guy, he was run ragged ttc and now he's not getting a sniff 😂

Barring any existing conditions or medical advice sex is perfectly safe, unfortunately that fear your partner has can't be reasoned with- you sound very understanding and it's great that you are both so open and can talk about her reasons. You'll probably find she relaxes as the pregnancy progresses, a lot of women say they felt better when they could feel movements as it's a little reassurance baby is ok.

Congratulations and good luck to you both on becoming parents 😀

StCharlotte · 19/05/2019 18:12

I miscarried my first (and only) pregnancy at 12 weeks immediately after having sex. Who knows whether it was connected but if I had managed to get pregnant again, I think I might have been scared to have PIV sex.

Original poster
MummyToBe89 · 19/05/2019 18:18

@Kipper & @Motherof3 Yes it is a worry that we may not be as close but definitely not something I’d bring up with my wife at this worrying time. Ive been in relationships in the past where I’ve felt pressured to have sex and would never put that on my wife. I totally see why it does seem like I’m back tracking though. I probably just haven’t explained myself very well. Also we both read the article I didn’t say “I’ve read it’s encouraged so stop moaning and sleep with me” :) I’m not asking for advice that my wife doesn’t want sex, I’m just wondering if other people had this worry or if people here are happy to say they did throughout and there was not problems.

@codename my wife is the same, I hit the break a bit hard in the car (not an emergency stop, just a little jolt) and she was so worried. Haha your poor hubby, I think men find it harder too as their sex drive is much higher. Thank you for the good luck wishes.

OP posts:
DameSylvieKrin · 19/05/2019 18:19

My wife was the same so we didn’t do it. The trouble is that feeling any reservations is a bit of a mood killer. When I got pregnant I would have done it all day every day but I has vasa previa so couldn’t at all. I‘m hoping that it doesn’t count as lbd when it’s for medical reasons...

Original poster
MummyToBe89 · 19/05/2019 18:21

@StCharlotte I’m so sorry to hear that. I’m sure it was nothing you did although it’s hard to look back and wonder if you could have done something different. My wife was even thinking about everything she ate wondering if that caused hers. Sometime nature is just so cruel and nobody or nothing is to blame. Sending you loads of love!

OP posts:
outvoid · 19/05/2019 18:26

Many women lose their libido during pregnancy and it’s just something you have to accept. She is carrying your child, it’s a wonderful thing. Just respect her wishes and find other ways to be close and intimate, sex isn’t the be all and end all.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 19/05/2019 18:27

I had sex(male/female) all the way through and the midwife said sex or orgasms cannot harm the baby.

Original poster
MummyToBe89 · 19/05/2019 18:29

@DameSylvieKrin sorry for my ignorance but what does Ibd mean? Have you and your wife had one child each now? Our plan is for me to carry next and I can’t wait although that may change after the sleepless nights when our baby arrives!

OP posts:
Original poster
MummyToBe89 · 19/05/2019 18:31

@SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc thank you so much for your answer. I’m just more curious if it’s common for pregnancy women to be scared of having sex, rather than just not wanting to which is totally understandable!

OP posts:
klendraa · 19/05/2019 18:32

this is so off topic but I’ve always wondered how lesbians can have children ?

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 19/05/2019 18:36

OP my sex drive went through the roof lol but I think some women can be cautious,maybe she could speak to midwife for reassurance

smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 19/05/2019 18:37

@klendraa really?

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 19/05/2019 18:37

Oh I've just remembered that I was told that the woman's climax can relax the baby,its worth a Google

Alsohuman · 19/05/2019 18:39

It's a myth that men have higher sex drives, they're exactly like women - some do, some don't.

justasking111 · 19/05/2019 18:41

My OH never wanted sex with me when I was pregnant, it put him right off.

Hobbes39 · 19/05/2019 18:44

I may be one of the few, but as no one else has said this yet I thought it worth mentioning.. but I am pregnant at the moment and want to have sex with DH but we currently aren't, due to the fact that when we DID do so (after 12 weeks, prev mcs made us v cautious) orgasm was actually really v painful for me! So just to warn you that while she may want to, and it may not do any harm to the baby, it is possible for it to be off the cards due to discomfort. My DH is just dealing with it, he understands...it's not a big deal as we've been through a lot to get and stay pregnant so we know we love each other and we will get back to it in time!

bridgetreilly · 19/05/2019 18:54

I’m just worried that after 9 months of this we may grow apart.

OP, this is why you're getting those comments. Are you worried that without sex you'll grow apart or not? Sounds to me like you are, but now you're embarrassed that you admitted it.

Aprillygirl · 19/05/2019 18:58

You will probably find that she will relax a bit after the first 12 weeks or so of pregnancy are over OP and hopefully become as randy as hell during the second trimester (I know I did Smile. Your wife has shown her love to you by marrying you and by bearing a child with you and will need you more than ever once your baby is born, so if you do feel friend zoned for a while so what? Things will eventually get back to normal for you both I'm sure. Good luck.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/05/2019 19:01

I told her I’d read it’s actually encouraged during pregnancy especially as it brings couples closer together probably written about heterosexual couples and by a man so with a strong bias to men needing regular sex cos, you know, they deserve it etc.

Perhaps encourage her to get some advice from her midwife? They're the professionals so best placed to reassure

Good luck with your coming baby

Original poster
MummyToBe89 · 19/05/2019 19:01

@klendraa if you read the thread you’d see I mentioned IVF.

@sauvingnon I’d like to see her ask the midwife that, she keeps winding me up saying she fancies her haha.

@justasking111 I’m sorry to hear that, I hope it didn’t knock your confidence at all.

@Hobbes39 I didn’t know that happened, may I ask if it happens everytime and if it ever happened before you were pregnant? I’m sure your DH is just happy you and baby are healthy. My wife can’t even walk past me without me stopping her for a kiss of her belly. It’s just such an exciting time. Congratulations to you and your DH!

OP posts:
Original poster
MummyToBe89 · 19/05/2019 19:04

@bridgetreilly I have a bit of worry that we won’t be as close as we always feel so close and sickeningly in love after sex. But defo not worried we’ll fully grow apart.

Thank you all for your good luck wishes, I can see why people feel a sense of community on here :)

OP posts:
Reastie · 19/05/2019 19:07

I think you should respect what she feels and follow her lead with what she wants. I bled after dtd with dh last pg and it really freaked me out and scared me off sex when pg. I also find it causes braxton hicks (although that was later on on pg). Find other ways to show her you care for her, like offering her a back or foot massage. I bet she’d really appreciate that! I know your relationship history has meant you’re worried about a sexless life leading to relationship issues but right now her body is being taken over growing another person. This isn’t the same as last time when you had problems. Don’t make her feel like she should be beingnintimate whilst she might not feel like it or be scared, just support her and be there for her

NauseousMum · 19/05/2019 19:09

In my first pregnsncy i had no qualms but i felt ok for the first few weeks, then i had a missed miscarriage. The pregnancy following was a threatened miscarriage (plus i felt poorly) so no sex until well into 2nd trimester. I was very anxious.

My 3rd pregnancy, I'd wait until 12 weeks because of my history but I'm vomiting loads anyway so not in the mood.

9 weeks is nothing. She may be very reassured by the 12 week scan plus you usually feel better in the 2nd trimester so get the urge back. You need to support her both in not having sex (you may be waiting a while after birth) but also i would make sure you talk a lot about the possibility of antenatal anxiety. Pregnancy can be worrying anyway but adding miscarriage in and it's something to flag as you can get PND/PNA after birth badly.

DameSylvieKrin · 19/05/2019 19:11

@mummytobe89 lbd = lesbian bed death, or bisexual bed death in our case I guess. I abbreviated it because I really hate it as a term.
Yes, we had one each. It’s brought a great balance to the family and to our roles as parents.
Have you considered inducing lactation? I couldn’t as I was trying to get pregnant but people have amazing experiences with it.

Allhailthesun · 19/05/2019 19:15

I wouldn't risk it. Contractions can be very strong and I miscarried at 15 weeks afterwards.
I think later on in the pregnancy is much safer and I was absolutely gagging for it in the third trimester.