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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice needed. Parent in hospital, confused, next of kin?

49 replies

Tehstean · 19/05/2019 10:30

Posting here as I need advice, and quickly!

Mum has been in hospital for a week. I've only just been told about this by her partner, by text. I've spoken to my mum. She sounds confused. She's not sure what she's done - hip fracture she thinks. She's 81 and in good health generally but currently having morphine.

Aside from being furious with her partner - what was he thinking? - I need to find out what's going on.

I am going to call the hospital but will they talk to me? What does next of kin mean in reality? What can I say and who should I ask to speak to so I get full info. Hospital have obviously been assuming her partner is the one to deal with, but him excluding me and my other sister from all this kind of shows that is not helpful.

Please help if you have been in this position or can otherwise help - thank you.

OP posts:
hereiam19 · 19/05/2019 10:34

Sorry to hear that. You should ask either for the nurse looking after her bay today or the ward sister/charge nurse. Explain the situation and ask what is going on, always if it is a hip check if surgery and what surgery has been completed. Also if onward referrals have been completed to OT,physio and maybe social services depending on her functional ability. Good luck always daunting having someone in hospital worse when you aren’t in the loop

Summerorjustmaybe · 19/05/2019 10:35

Imo both you and your dsis need to arrive together. Make sure the staff know it's you 2 they need to deal with. Could he be after her money /property? If he had her best interests he would want her to have you around at this time...

bananaontoast1 · 19/05/2019 10:36

Unless you have POA or have been named by your mum as a person of contact the likelihood is they will tell you very little. Next of kin actually doesn't exist until the person is deceased.

Call the hospital and ask, there's no harm in asking but it really depends if you're on the list of people to contact from your mum.

Good luck.

goose1964 · 19/05/2019 10:36

Given what you've said you may well be next of kin. Her partner won't automatically be it. As her daughter you are entitled to ask what you need to know. I hope she recovers soon.

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 19/05/2019 10:37

Call and ask to speak to the nurse looking after her but to be honest whoever you speak to you won't get much info over the phone. Best bet is to get yourself up there ASAP and speak to someone in person. Explain the issues with the partner. Best option is to sort things with him so that he keeps you in the loop, it's isn't beneficial to anybody to have a long list of people that the staff need to call to update. If that's not possible leave your number with the staff. Next of kin doesn't mean anything particularly significant or legal, it's basically just who the hospital call first.

Tinkety · 19/05/2019 10:42

OP does your DM have any cognitive impairments or is she just confused because of the morphine? Is it possible that she just didn’t want to worry you so asked her partner not to say anything straight away?

If your DM is mentally well then the hospital don’t have to give you the “full info” if she doesn’t want them to & they can liaise with her partner if that’s what she’s asked to happen.

Original poster
Tehstean · 19/05/2019 10:43

Thank you. Both DSis and I are 200+ miles away with young children and jobs. Neither of us can just drop everything, especially as we don't actually know what is going on.

My mum's partner's motives for not telling us are unclear but I can't justify it whatever. He hasn't answered his phone so that's a bit if a dead end. On speaking to my mum I suspect she might just parrot to a nurse anything he said - she's always looked to others for help/ opinions.

I will give it a go and see what happens.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 19/05/2019 10:58

They'll be OK speaking to you if your Mum is OK with it, but that's easier to achieve if you're in the same room as her at the time of asking - hospitals are overstretched, and making a point of asking your Mum if she's OK with them talking to you will be well down their list of priorities.

But in my experience, patient confidentiality isn't in the forefront of their minds, especially if you present yourself as someone entitled to the information "I was ringing to ask about ... How's she doing?" "She's doing really well, but we're planning to do X, Y ,Z ....er, who am I talking to?"

Dippypippy1980 · 19/05/2019 11:15

This man isn’t married to her? Most hospitals will talk to children of elderly patients - they may be more reluctant to talk to boyfriends. Is this man very elderly, perhaps he is overwhelmed with the responsibility. - or is worried you will start thinking about residential care for her. Anyway it doesn’t sound like he has your mums best interests at heart so go round him,

Your mum has beenin Hospital for a week - 200 miles is doable in a four hour drive - could you not drive down today and visit her?

HappyHammy · 19/05/2019 11:23

The hospital will have asked your mum who she wants as Nok, it can be anyone and is often called person to contact. They may not give you much info over the phone, they dont know you. Families often set up a password system when they visit which they are asked to confirm when they ring. Why are you furious with him, if the hospital dont have your details or mums permission to call then he will be on the contact list.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 19/05/2019 11:36

When my ‘step dad’ well mums partner, they weren’t married, became ill he had a sister 100 miles away, a son 300 miles away and another son on a different continent. So we dealt with everything at the hospital and hospice. Then relayed the messages back to them. This was fine with the hospital, and when they did phone the hospital themselves they were given information, as we said they may call, and they asked were there any ‘issues’ and we said no just distance. Hope this helps and your mum makes a speedy recoveryFlowers

Original poster
Tehstean · 19/05/2019 12:07

Thanks again. I've not been able to get through to hospital so far - even the switchboard just keeps ringing and the direct number us not being picked up.
It is too far for me to drive there and back in the day, and my DH works away so I have to be here for the children.
I'm cross with my mum's partner because he didn't tell us this had happened for nearly a week! She assumed he had.
Will keep trying.

OP posts:
Ffsnosexallowed · 19/05/2019 12:11

Just to repeat what's been said above. There's no automatic "next of kin", staff will only give information to people who your mum had consented then to give info to.

Dippypippy1980 · 19/05/2019 12:25

To be honest I would bundle the kids in the car or get a babysitter - I am very close with my mum and couldn’t bear the thought of her in hospital with neither my sister or I visiting or knowing what is going on.

As she is getting older you may need to have some plans in place between you and sister for getting to her at short notice, in my experience once these thing cop up with increasing frequency after the first incident.

Dippypippy1980 · 19/05/2019 12:28

Do you have any other family geographically closer to her who could visit for you - an aunt or cousin? On a Sunday it will be much harder to get though to the right people, but a visit and chat to your mum and her other half by a trusted relative might give you some reassurance?

Birdie6 · 19/05/2019 12:30

If her partner is the same age as her, he may also be confused. Don't be too harsh about him - he may have simply been forgetful and not known what to do.

Your mother is certainly confused because of the pain killers, and also because of the hip fracture. At her age , the pain and trauma will normally result in confusion.

I'd suggest that either you or your sister should go and see her - you won't get much information from the hospital by phone. I know it isn't easy to just drop everything and go, but if you don't, you'll remain in the dark.

Gth1234 · 19/05/2019 19:49

What do you mean … what was he thinking?

It won't have been your mum's partner's decision to give morphine - that will be pain relief.

"partner" is an awkward description - only you will know what it means, but I don't think you can automatically assume there is a problem.

Dippypippy1980 · 19/05/2019 21:14

I think she meant was he thinking in not contacting this lady’s daughters to tell them their mother had suffered an injury and was in hospital?

HiJenny35 · 19/05/2019 22:15

Partner as in new or of several years? If they are in a long term relationship I'm sure he had her best interests at heart and didn't want a big fuss and wanted to sort out what was happening first. Older people often don't like to'bother' or have a fuss. Also you have no idea what your mum has said. I would assume she has asked him to act as next of kin otherwise the hospital would have called you. I can understand your worries however they are adults and either you need to go up there or allow them to sort it for themselves. We had the same with an elderly relative, they make choices we might not agree with but they are theres to make.

Mumof3dogs · 20/05/2019 09:07

If you can get through to the ward , the staff should be able to give you some information about your DM as you are close family.
My MIL was in hospital several times last year and the year before and as we live abroad we had no choice other than to call .
The staff were always very helpful and sympathetic plus told her that we had called.
As an aside if she is seeming confused, get them to check her urine- my MIL had repeated bladder infections that made her very confused - a few days of antibiotics and she was fine .
Hth

Fiveredbricks · 20/05/2019 09:12

"Neither of us can just drop everything, especially as we don't actually know what is going on."

Confused I guess you're not particularly close to your Mum then?

200 miles is nothing, it is 3-3.5hrs driving 😳 that is not a huge journey, and unless you're on some obscure train route why couldn't you get the train?

LindsayDenton · 20/05/2019 09:16

I don’t see the issue with the hospital dealing with your mums partner? Do they live together? Have they been together long? As you say, if your 200 miles away you can’t get there at the drop of a hat.

I’m also assuming he is listed somewhere as her emergency contact.

LemonTT · 20/05/2019 09:21

Clearly her partner is the person she relies on. He is there for her and she will be his priority. There is no ubiquitous definition of next of kin. In this case the hospital will take the lead from her partner, he may have POA.

He has told you both. You are not visiting and don’t intend to. Maybe best to leave things with him. I think I can understand his reasoning. The hospital probably will give you an update.

endofthelinefinally · 20/05/2019 09:31

OP, there is a possibility your mum may not survive this.
Do you and your sister want to see her?

Twillow · 20/05/2019 09:38

She's 81 and once something like a broken hip occurs it can potentially be downhill very fast. I would be in the car already. Work should understand the seriousness of this.

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