Advice needed. Parent in hospital, confused, next of kin?

[Tehstean]

Posting here as I need advice, and quickly!

Mum has been in hospital for a week. I've only just been told about this by her partner, by text. I've spoken to my mum. She sounds confused. She's not sure what she's done - hip fracture she thinks. She's 81 and in good health generally but currently having morphine.

Aside from being furious with her partner - what was he thinking? - I need to find out what's going on.

I am going to call the hospital but will they talk to me? What does next of kin mean in reality? What can I say and who should I ask to speak to so I get full info. Hospital have obviously been assuming her partner is the one to deal with, but him excluding me and my other sister from all this kind of shows that is not helpful.

Please help if you have been in this position or can otherwise help - thank you.

Hospital staff are and should be very aware of patient confidentiality, Staff have been disciplined for breaking patient confidentiality, it 's very serious. If you phone, staff can approach your mum and tell her that her daughter is on the phone and does she mind information being shared,if she gives her consent then they will go ahead. If your mum has named her partner as nok then that is the only person info will automatically be shared with. The only time this would change is if there was a change in her capacity

Can not one if you go and see her? You will find much more out by being there in person

If your mum has capacity they will do as she asks. Try to go and see her, stay overnight if you have to, work should give time off.
Think about power of attorney and wills whist you still can. Has her partner got family?

There is no legal NOK, you can nominate anyone to deal with the hospital.

I think you need to go down and see her really, even if you have to take the children out of school and down with you for a day.

You meaning the patient, not you the OP unfortunately!

Honestly, just go down. It will be easier face-to-face.

I can't believe you have not gone to see your mum...at 81. You need to go and find out what is happening .. then you can get put on her medical records, a broken bone right now could cause many problems.

Yes it would have been nice if your Mum had let you know sooner, however her having her partner who is there with her and supporting her down as next of kin makes perfect sense.

Hopefully you can find out what’s going on but I don’t see what has been done wrong with her partner supporting her.

When my mum was in hospital they refused to tell me anything, until they'd actually seen me. It was maddening. I ended up having to drive up there (four hour return journey) just so they could see me, my mum could see me and confirm I was her daughter, and then they could add me to their contact list.

Of course I would have gone up to see her at some point, but there was no wash of knowing (and I needed to know) whether she was seriously ill, or whether she was likely to be discharged that day.

Morphine a week after hip surgery sounds unlikely. It’s usually administered for two or three days. Like a pp, l wonder if she’s got a UTI, both my parents got very confused with them.

I think either you or your sister needs to go and find out what’s happening. This is the reality of having elderly parents.

If you haven't spoken to her for over a week and can't find a way to travel 200 miles to see her, you aren't going to be the person the hospital wants to deal with.

They don't have time to update multiple relatives who can't manage to communicate between them. Her partner is clearly the closest to her and the best person for them to keep informed and for her to turn to for support. You need to build some sort of communicative relationship with him.

Please go and see her and try to find a way to work with both of them to support her the best you can. The last thing she needs is to be caught up in family politics.

I broke my fibula recently, and I was only given codeine. I was in severe pain and could not think properly or concentrate for at least the first two weeks. I could not read a book or fill in a form (to register for online prescriptions). All I could do was watch TV, flick through a magazine or play on my phone. If DH was talking to me while I was struggling to get to the toilet, I could not take in what he was saying (due to the pain). I did not want to talk on the telephone, because that took too much mental effort. That was when I was awake, as I was sleeping 7 hours a day with the codeine.

It’s easy to forget how painful a broken bone is, if you have not done it recently - and I am younger than your mother!

For goodness sake get up there - you need to find out exactly what's going on and why her partner did not tell you !!

OP hip fractures in the over eighties can lead to complications. A week or more in bed leads to muscle wastage - you may be shocked when you see her, particularly if she is catheterised, which can lead to a lot of confusion IME.

Just warning you. With physio and proper care she may recover well, but be aware that just popping up for a day or talking to her on the phone may be frustrating for you. She may well need a lot of care/occupational therapists to make her home safe for her whilst she is recovering. At a distance of 200 miles you are not going to be able to micromanage that easily. You need to think abou/find out about what your mum wants to do and to think about your relationship with her partner, who may be managing her day to day needs, and how you can support him.

This could be the beginning of a long road for you. (One I have just travelled.) Best of luck

PS there is a section on MN about caring for elderly parents - lots of useful advice and experience on those threads if you need extra help.

You may, in the near future, want to think about getting power of attorney set up for your mum, if she regains lucidity.

I can understand - depending on where you both live 200 miles can take 4-5 hours if you need to cross cities or wild countryside.

If you have kids that are at primary school, if you have a job that is really strict about leave being taken, if your dh is working abroad, it can take a few days to juggle everything to be able to go, no matter how much you want to.

It is incredibly rotten of your mum’s partner not to have let you know earlier so that you could have sorted things out to go at the weekend. Doesn’t matter if he was doing it deliberately to keep you out of the loop or because he is a bit confused too, the net effect is the same for you and your sis.

Having said that, a hip fracture can be serious and the beginning of a decline - something that hospitals often seem to expect you to know but frequently isn’t - particularly if your previous experience of broken bones has been as a kid or young(er) adult has been break > cast > painkillers > maybe physio > back to normal...

I get your frustration with the next of kin thing too - fil died last year - his partner (who has changed her surname to be the same as FIL but they weren’t married) dealt with the nursing home and was really rotten and tried to exclude family, when fil died last year she claimed to be next of kin despite not being married, organised a funeral that really upset fil’s children as it was very different from what he had said he wanted, tried to get them to not be there by telling them the wrong time and venue, and so on. And we ended up in a vicious catch-22 situation when talking to the undertaker because when we tried to say that we were nok, he said no his wife is and that’s who has signed the contract. When we pointed out that he didn’t have a wife so he couldn’t have a contract with his wife, rightly or wrongly he claimed that he couldn’t discuss further due to GDPR . So if there is any hint that he is deliberately keeping you away, I can see why you would be additionally upset and would make a point of telling this to the nurses when you next talk to them.

If mum is 81 I presume daughter will be a middle aged woman so the children should not be that young. I am surprised the hospital switchboard is not manned so keep trying. The partner is probably doing the best he can he will be elderly too and will have had an awful fright. The OP and her sister do not seem close to mum they noticed nothing amiss until partner texted them.

Best advice try to get a direct number to the ward when you get through if you nor your sister are available to visit just get updates from the hospital.

You cant assume that just?
My mum died in her eighties and I had a newborn. She just had me late and I had my last child late.
Op it must be tough but you should see her if you can. My grandmother never recovered from her brokrn hip at a similar age.

Wild countryside?

As someone else said I can only presume you are not that close. I used to speak to my mum every day and would have noticed if she had been in hospital for a week.

200 miles?

I don’t think op is coming back. I hope this is because she has gone to visit her mum.

The post has made me sad, while I understand her being annoyed at the partner for not informing her, she clearly wouldn’t have visited her mum even is she knew earlier.

Go see your mum! Either you’re close and you want to be there for her, or you’re not that bothered and just leave it to her partner and don’t moan on here about how he leaves you out of the information loop.

Put the children in the car. Drive and go and see your mum and find it what’s going on and how she is. Book a family room in a premier in or travel lodge and stay the night.

Whist the twelve month prognosis for hip fractures is not good, the immediate care is surgery quickly and early mobilisation. Up and having physio the next day usually (unless surgery was very late in the day). My mother was in her 90s and already deaf/blind but still walking to Tesco within a fortnight. Most people recover well from surgery but it does have a longe term impact and a decline over subsequent years is often evident. Most people don’t die in hospital post surgery.

If your mother has capacity to decide whether you are called or not or who she wants informed about her care, that must be respected. It’s not a case of capacity or not ;it is decision specific. Entirely possible she didn’t want to worry you and that choice would have to be supported.

If your mother hasn’t registered a lasting power of attorney with the OPG and nobody has been appointed as a deputy by the Court of Protection then all decisions about her care sit as the responsibility of the multidisciplinary medical team caring for her. They should consult with family but a partner she has been living with would usually be that person. If there are significant decisions about her care and welfare or finances and dissent amongst the family but no LPA registered, then an application for involvement of an IMCA can be made by the hospital. She should have independent advocacy, if necessary.

Hospitals mostly expect families to sort this out themselves, they will tell one person and expect them to feedback to the relevant people.
Its fairly common they would just tell the person with them, especially if that person lives with them and is primarily responsible for their ongoing care needs

For my mum the hospital mostly spoke with my sister as my sister was the one who would be caring for her at home. Wasnt that they didn't want to speak with me but just that apart from exceptional circumstances they arent going to have time to repeat info to multiple family members

If mum is 81 I presume daughter will be a middle aged woman so the children should not be that young

Don't be ridiculous @justasking111. My dad died at nearly 86 when I had a three year old and a three month old. It's perfectly possible to have small children when your parent is in their 80s.

Damntheman - agree hard to gauge age of children by grandmother - but Argument doesn’t really hold for the male line - an 86 year old man could have infant children never mind grandchildren.

However, in this case he daughter of an 81 year old could be anywhere between her forties to her sixties, and could easily have small or primary school aged children in her forties or even fifties.