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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF in laws

55 replies

Picturesonthewall · 18/05/2019 22:11

This is more of a wwyd. We live close to SIL and MIL is coming down soon to stay with her. That not the problem as she stays with us too at which point we always invite SIL and family here as anything else seems stupid. The problem is that if she does stay with the SIL, SIL never returns the favour. If we see them it will always because we host but I am totally sick of it. We get on well. That’s not the problem. It’s that our house is bigger and of course when we host they bring nothing tho will obviously get food/drink/any courtesy a guest would want.

So all of this seems stupid. Dh’s mother will be a couple of miles away, no more but we won’t see her, or them, unless we host. Regarding us not hosting, it’s nothing to do with the money or that we are being tight. It’s the principle. It seems so one sided with a dash of cheeky . So wwyd?

OP posts:
Expressedways · 18/05/2019 22:15

Suggest you meet up in a local restaurant and split the bill?!

FizzBuzzBangWoof · 18/05/2019 22:16

How often do you end up hosting MIL/SIL etc?

If it's just a couple of times a year I'd be inclined to just suck it up. If it's ever month then I can understand why you would feel a bit put upon.

NoSauce · 18/05/2019 22:18

Meeting in a pub/restaurant is a good one.

Fairenuff · 18/05/2019 22:22

How are they being CFs? They haven't asked you to host.

TheTrollFairy · 18/05/2019 22:25

My SIL and BIL usually end up hosting as they have the biggest house to fit everyone in. If we go to another’s house it’s always cramped and the kids get on top of each other and then start misbehaving because it’s so cramped. Would this be a similar situation? (Although everyone brings bits over unless told otherwise but they obviously end up cooking etc as it’s their house)

WheresTheEvidence · 18/05/2019 22:26

You dont have to meet up, see the or host.

Just let mil visit sil and if she wants to see you then they can arrange something

Pipandmum · 18/05/2019 22:30

You could invite yourself over? Call up your sil and ask if you could come visit? If she says no but they could visit you, just say it’s not convenient. Or if you do host why don’t you ask her to bring something?

Original poster
Picturesonthewall · 18/05/2019 22:38

It’s much more often than a couple of times a year, tho not monthly. It’s just a little bit irritating that they are always so keen to come over if we ask but the favour isn’t returned. It’s cool tho. It’s just a leave the ball into their court.

OP posts:
NoSauce · 18/05/2019 22:39

Do you not ever say that you’ll come and see them at SILs?

Original poster
Picturesonthewall · 18/05/2019 22:42

No. I wouldn’t expect someone to invite themselves over to me so no, I would never do that to someone else

OP posts:
Qweenbee · 18/05/2019 22:42

I'd invite myself. "We'll pop over for an hour or so. When is the best time?"

Cherrysoup · 18/05/2019 22:42

Why doesn’t your dh say you’re coming over. You don’t have to have a meal, just go over for coffee. Or, as pp say, arrange to go to a restaurant. (And don’t bloody pay for them!)

Rainbowqueeen · 18/05/2019 22:42

Can you suggest afternoon tea out somewhere?
Can MIL get to yours by herself easily? Or is that why they all come? Perhaps you could suggest meeting up with her alone and see what she says

NoSauce · 18/05/2019 22:44

“Can we pop over for a brew” isn’t cheeky, I think it’s pretty normal in families.

RoomR0613 · 18/05/2019 22:45

It might just be the status quo rather than cfery.

Some people just don't like hosting. I find it quite stressful even having my nearest and dearest to stay, I would always say yes if they asked but I would never voluntarily make it happen under my own steam.

Fairenuff · 18/05/2019 22:49

Why not suggest meeting up for a walk after lunch or something like that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/05/2019 22:51

You organise to pop over. Perfectly normal in families or with friends.

SandyY2K · 18/05/2019 23:04

See I don't understand this. My parents live in a different city, and if they're staying with any of us, my other siblings will come over.

I'd be annoyed if they didn't come over while our parents were over.

I don't need an invitation to go to my sister's house. I would simply say in popping over to see mum and dad later.

Not being funny, but do you want a red carpet laid out for you by your SIL?

You can actually say..I'll come and see MIL after dinner. That makes it clear you're not after a meal.

Or tell your DH to pick MIL up to have dinner with you one night.

I really don't see the issue here.

SpoonBlender · 18/05/2019 23:16

You're expecting them to decide they're cheeky (which they indeed are) despite never hinting to them to "bring a dish" "grab a takeaway on your way over" "you bring the wine this time" or "let's meet round yours"?

You're being totally passive. They are not telepathic! Pull your finger out and tell them at least one of those things.

Original poster
Picturesonthewall · 18/05/2019 23:27

Oh if we have said anything, or suggested an invite over, there is always a plead of poverty on all sides (which there really isn’t) but you can’t really argue with that as a point.

OP posts:
BlackcurrantJamontoast · 18/05/2019 23:39

a plead of poverty

What?

Ellie9576 · 18/05/2019 23:45

Why not host a barbecue at yours and tell your SIL that you will sort puddings/sides if they can bring the meats?

I find that barbecues and picnics are a lot easier to ask others to chip in with than a regular meal!

Jaxhog · 19/05/2019 00:03

Perhaps she feels that her house isn't as nice as yours? Of course, she should still bring something.

I'd invite myself over and bring something nice (wine, favourite dish, chocs etc.). She'll either be appalled/ashamed, in which case you don't do it again. Or she'll be grateful, and get the hint that bringing something is nice. Either way, you aren't worse of than now.

Wowserme · 19/05/2019 00:09

I have the same issue... we have the bigger house so my SIL always assumes that things should be done in our home, especially at Xmas... to be fair she does contribute with the food but I still get totally hacked off with it all.
Meeting at a local restaurant or pub is definitely the answer and everyone can pay their own way

PregnantSea · 19/05/2019 09:31

Ask them if they want to meet for a pub lunch or dinner somewhere (and everyone pays for themselves) or just leave them to it. If they want to see you they will get in touch to arrange something. Don't force it.