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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF in laws

55 replies

Picturesonthewall · 18/05/2019 22:11

This is more of a wwyd. We live close to SIL and MIL is coming down soon to stay with her. That not the problem as she stays with us too at which point we always invite SIL and family here as anything else seems stupid. The problem is that if she does stay with the SIL, SIL never returns the favour. If we see them it will always because we host but I am totally sick of it. We get on well. That’s not the problem. It’s that our house is bigger and of course when we host they bring nothing tho will obviously get food/drink/any courtesy a guest would want.

So all of this seems stupid. Dh’s mother will be a couple of miles away, no more but we won’t see her, or them, unless we host. Regarding us not hosting, it’s nothing to do with the money or that we are being tight. It’s the principle. It seems so one sided with a dash of cheeky . So wwyd?

OP posts:
Antigon · 19/05/2019 09:53

It’s cool tho. It’s just a leave the ball into their court.

But it’s clearly not cool, OP. Leaving the ball in their court would be stopping the invites until they realise and start reciprocating invites to you. What you propose to do is continuing to invite them, which is being a doormat.

Why don’t you just take MIL out by herself for lunch or similar?

SandyY2K · 19/05/2019 10:13

You don't know the details of their finances though.

You may have an idea of incomings, but not outgoings.

user1471590586 · 19/05/2019 10:27

Surely a visit to them doesn't require much expense. A cup of tea doesn't cost much.

Original poster
Picturesonthewall · 19/05/2019 14:22

I am not going to continue to invite them. There is a whole history of behaviours here including MIL staying for 5 days and eating us out of house and home, going to the loo when the bill arrived when we did go out before an event we had paid for and telling us we should share more. Then the SIL coming for a bbq with her DP and DS over the same trip and again eating us out of home whilst not bringing anything. I could go on but it could be quite outing and it feels like we are used.

OP posts:
ANewDawn10 · 19/05/2019 14:26

What does dh say for this?

Original poster
Picturesonthewall · 19/05/2019 14:27

I am not going to continue to invite them. There is a whole history of behaviours here including MIL staying for 5 days and eating us out of house and home, going to the loo when the bill arrived when we did go out before an event we had paid for and telling us we should share more. Then the SIL coming for a bbq with her DP and DS over the same trip and again eating us out of home whilst not bringing anything. I could go on but it could be quite outing and it feels like we are used.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 19/05/2019 14:28

Oh if we have said anything, or suggested an invite over, there is always a plead of poverty on all sides (which there really isn’t) but you can’t really argue with that as a point.

Can you expand on this?!

If you were to suggest that you popped over to them for a cup of tea when MiL was down, what would they say?

Original poster
Picturesonthewall · 19/05/2019 14:39

Tbh I don’t ask. I don’t think it’s polite. Examples would include it would be a long way to go theirs (when they come to ours), that they would only be able to feed us badly because of lack of funds (they have just come back from a trip abroad) or just plain ignoring a comment and changing the subject

OP posts:
EggysMom · 19/05/2019 14:43

Don't ask them - tell them that you are popping over. Get them used to hosting you in their house.

Original poster
Picturesonthewall · 19/05/2019 14:43

My point is that directly saying we would just drop in is just not in my nature so I just don’t. The responses they are give are when we make a general suggestion of them retuning the favour at some point

OP posts:
TheCatInTheSquare · 19/05/2019 14:49

Definitely stop inviting them over or meet at a restaurant and let the waiter know at the start that you want separate bills.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 19/05/2019 14:51

If you want to see MIL while she is staying at SlL's house, could you suggest meeting them for a walk?

That wouldn't cost anything.

cuppycakey · 19/05/2019 14:52

I am a bit confused.

Don't invite them over. Why do you have to see them just because MIL is there? She is coming to you anyway, yes?

Take a HUGE step backwards. If they do invite themselves to yours, say it doesn't work for you, suggest picnic in park, walk along beach etc

EggysMom · 19/05/2019 14:56

My point is that directly saying we would just drop in is just not in my nature so I just don’t.

You can change, you know. Push yourself. Small pain, long-term gain (equality).

Beautiful3 · 19/05/2019 15:03

How about you arrange to take her somewhere near the sil for lunch, pay for her then drop her back? Or pop in to see them at 10/10.30 am for a coffee and catch up, then go somewhere for lunch (without the MIL and SIL) on your way home?

ManchesterBorn · 19/05/2019 15:04

I am sorry but at which point we always invite SIL and family here as anything else seems stupid. why don't you just stop inviting SIL then?

Or invite to meet SIL for a coffee. To be fair, they haven't done anything wrong as such, you invite them. They might only come because they feel obliged but they would rather you didn't.

Just in case, I wouldn't suggest a restaurant, the bill splitting is tricky, coffee is much safer, at worst you pay for one or 2 more coffees, and then you know they are the CF.

Boysey45 · 19/05/2019 15:06

They wouldn't get another penny out of me non of them.
I'd just suggest a pub lunch and everyone MIL included pays for themselves and I'd say this at the beginning of the meal so theres no confusion. Or go for a walk, the park a museum etc as suggested.

unfortunateevents · 19/05/2019 15:11

How does MIL get to you? If she is dropped off by SIL, then just say that this time you will collect her instead. If they insist on dropping her off, make sure it is not around a meal time and just give them a cup of tea. Or if it is at meal time, say that you will be out beforehand and no time to cook anything so please could they pick up X takeaway on the way or bring a lasagne for everyone to share or something.

Original poster
Picturesonthewall · 19/05/2019 15:13

Yes I guess they could only be coming out of obligation and therefore have to console themselves by making sure they get their fill before pleading poverty to return the favour before leaving. Lose lose for me then so thanks that’s made we want to bother even les

OP posts:
woodhill · 19/05/2019 15:18

If they can afford go abroad then they can bring a contribution to a meal or host.

They are taking advantage.

Is your mil hard up?

Original poster
Picturesonthewall · 19/05/2019 15:28

No. Not at all. She has a decent lifestyle. There is a disparity but it’s not like she is living in poverty. Her comments about always insisting on paying her own way (with respect to others) always makes me raise an eyebrow.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/05/2019 15:30

My point is that directly saying we would just drop in is just not in my nature so I just don’t

Tell DH to do it?

Original poster
Picturesonthewall · 19/05/2019 15:38

The reason I don’t want to go down the path of just insisting is because it would open the door to them doing the same to me. I hear often about how people should be able to drop in, that families stay without notice and that things should be shared. I feel that I would be opening myself up to giving even more hospitality as I wouldn’t have a leg to stand on as I would be told I was doing the same thing

OP posts:
woodhill · 19/05/2019 15:42

Just don't invite them OP.

I take your point about them turning up uninvited if you set a precedent.

Does MIL think they should host for a change.

I would be insulted if my family came empty handed or guests, just not the done thing. Flowers or wine or chocolates are the norm,

Thymeout · 19/05/2019 15:55

I'd use the suggested tactics if it were a friend or acquaintance who was taking the piss, but not for close family. You're obviously not keen on either of them, but it's not going to improve the relationship between you if you try to manipulate them into changing their ways.

When you don't invite them over this time, you'll be going against established precedent and there'll be all sorts of speculation between mother and daughter, likely coming up with the wrong end of the stick. Even if the penny drops, you'll be blamed for 'being funny' with them.

As time goes on you will need a vaguely harmonious relationship when MIL needs more help. I wouldn't rock the boat over something so trivial just to feel you've won.

And don't try the sharing the bill thing. They'll assume if you're inviting them out, that you will be paying. There'll be all sorts of drama over not expecting to pay, haven't brought their card etc. Embarrassment and ill-feeling. Your Dh will be obliged to step in - cos it's his mother - and you'll be annoyed with him, as well.