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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not spending enough time to learn my DH’s language?

42 replies

Honeybee85 · 18/05/2019 12:58

Married my DH a few months ago, currently pregnant with our first baby that is expected in a short while. I moved to DH’s country a few months ago and trying to learn the language ever since. I won’t mention which country it is as it is possibly outing but let’s say the language is objectively seen one of the most difficult ones in the world to learn. Me and DH are doing fine communicating with each other in English. I just want to learn the language of the country I am living in, my DC will speak this language and I want to find a job in a few months as well.

The problem is that currently I feel super exhausted, have trouble concentrating whenever I try to study and can’t seem to remember anything. I am trying to do the bare minimum by asking DH to teach me a new word every day and every week, I go to an 1,5 hour language lesson.

I just feel really lazy and guilty for not doing enough proper effort to master the language though DH and my friends I should relax and focus on resting before the baby comes.

AIBU for feeling like a lazy cow about myself in this situation?

OP posts:
IncognitaIgnorama · 18/05/2019 13:00

You may regret not making more effort when you come to labouring in another language. But if it's not that important to you, it's not that important to you - and it clearly isn't, as you'd have made the effort before even getting pregnant if it was. So YANBU.

IncognitaIgnorama · 18/05/2019 13:01

Oops Blush YABU - you're not a lazy cow, just not that bothered.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 18/05/2019 13:03

Hi OP,

I was studying a masters while I was pregnant. I kept thinking how tired I was and what a hard time it was to be studying....then I had the baby and realised that studying while pregnant with your first child is sooooo much easier than studying once your child is born. I was kicking myself for not doing extra units while I had the time.

It's hard, but it won't get easier anytime soon. Motherhood can be really isolating.
Talking to just DH won't be enough.
You should push yourself to learn now, you'll be glad you did later on.

EmiliaAirheart · 18/05/2019 13:03

Sorry, I think most here understand that pregnancy is rough but if it’s not easy now, it’s not going to be any easier with a newborn, or infant, or toddler... you get my drift. You also sound like you’re not working at the moment? If so, just 1.5 hrs per week is a pretty lame effort in my book. If you really cracked on now, you’d still have plenty of free time and I doubt you’d regret it later.

QuitMoaning · 18/05/2019 13:03

Off topic a bit but why would naming the language be outing? How would anyone here recognise someone as they are married to someone from a specific country?

Hithere12 · 18/05/2019 13:03

OP can you try just immersing yourself in the language? Like learn as much as possible, then only watch media and listen to music in that language?

That’s what helped me the most. Although mine was European so probably much easier than yours, is it a whole new alphabet?

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 18/05/2019 13:05

I work in a role where I'm asked to talk to children about scary adult problems because their parents haven't learnt our language. As long as you aren't going to be that parent, then that's fine.

EmiliaAirheart · 18/05/2019 13:06

Should also add, I studied for my masters full time and worked full time while pregnant (sat exams at 38 weeks too) if that also helps you qualify my opinion that it’s still easier pregnant than with a small baby...

Original poster
Honeybee85 · 18/05/2019 13:06

Thanks Grin.

The pregnancy was unplanned.
Before that, we were talking about me going to move to my current country and I was planning to start learning the language. As soon as I got pregnant, I started to prepare for the immigration, dealt alone with the first stage of pregnancy and had a fulltime job as well. Studying the language at that time was just too much besides everything else I had to do.

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 18/05/2019 13:08

I clicked on this expecting to say you should make the effort, but you ARE making an effort, you just have something else going on that means you have to take a bit of a step back.
I think your friends and DH are correct, and you don't want to end up putting yourself off the language by forcing yourself at this time.
When the baby comes, is DH going to speak to it in his language? I know bilingual couples who took this approach and their children are amazing, not just in English and their other mother tongue, but at other modern languages when they meet them at school.
If DH speaks his language to your baby, you will pick up words and phrases without trying as we are very repetitive when talking to infants. You will be absorbing the tones and cadence of the language.
Are there any good podcasts for his language? I'm using them to help me learn Portuguese and they are great. They would be ideal post-baby as you can listen and repeat while doing other things, - like endlessly cluster feeding and washing or whatever.
Your baby is very lucky to have a bilingual future and I have know doubt you will learn the language. If it is very different from English, eg tonal, or with complex honorifics and registers, then it is going to take time, but you have that!

KneelJustKneel · 18/05/2019 13:10

Are you working right now? If not I'd enrol in a daily language school. Intensive leanring now could really pay off later. And be a good focus for you while youre waiting for the baby.

Phineyj · 18/05/2019 13:10

I've got a couple of friends who are good linguists and they swear by DuoLingo and having the radio or TV on in the target language all the time. I did my tax return and some other work and personal admin in the final week before gave birth and I was really pleased I did.

KneelJustKneel · 18/05/2019 13:11

Im concerned you could frel very isolated after the birth . A time when you want to talk to other mums and introduce your child to the world around you will be tricky if you can't communicate. And you cant attend classes with a baby.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 18/05/2019 13:12

@KneelJustKneel a daily language school is a great idea. Immersing yourself is the best way to learn a language. A class once a week and a few words a day from DH sounds like a hard way to learn.

Original poster
Honeybee85 · 18/05/2019 13:13

Some useful advice here - thanks a lot! Keep it coming Smile! Indeed I am also watching series on Netflix in his language as I hope it might help me.

OP posts:
Aimily · 18/05/2019 13:15

Have you considered trying language tapes? Plug yourself in while going about daily tasks, you'll probably pick a bit up that way. Soaps on the tv are good, get your dh to talk to you in his native tongue.

I think the more you're hearing the language the more likely you are to take it in, even without noticing too much.

Dyrne · 18/05/2019 13:17

Yes I would really try to commit more. Are there workbooks available you can work on? Try to do an hour a day - even if you have to break that hour up into 10 minute segments.

Agree that once baby is here you risk being massively isolated - what happens if you or your baby need medical attention? Also all of the routine appointments etc. Plus just general baby groups.

Branleuse · 18/05/2019 13:19

If you live there, you will pick it up anyway. I think youre doing plenty. Youve literally upped and moved everything you know for him, are heavily pregnant and are working hard to learn the language, yet you feel guilty that you arent doing enough?? Give yourself a break a bit

MirandaGoshawk · 18/05/2019 13:36

I also think that you are doing plenty. If your brain won't work, it won't work! Watching TV/listening to the radio in the language is good, also set your phone to it and put post-it notes on things around the house until you know their names. I found listening to children and reading children's books a good way of learning as they use simple language. Can you meet up with any other mums now? Hopefully, bilingual ones?

Original poster
Honeybee85 · 18/05/2019 13:39

@MirandaGowshawk
I don’t know any bilingual moms here. I would love to meet some people and found out that I can join a class for foreign parents and their babies at the local community center after birth.
I definetly will join this class!

OP posts:
Twizzleegg · 18/05/2019 13:42

It takes time to learn a language. You're doing all the right things. Try to get some vocab and when the baby is born go to mum's groups. It will be hard but you can start talking one on one with other mums. That's what I did. One tip for later on... At the point you think you're doing really well you will suddenly hear all your faults and think you've gone backwards... You haven't you've gone forward if you can hear your mistakes.
Good luck

Teddybear45 · 18/05/2019 13:44

It usually takes a year of full time study for an English speaker to become a fluent in most languages (including the difficult ones like Mandarin and Japanese). However, there do exist languages that are more difficult than even Mandarin / Japanese because there are no straight forward ways to translate — other languages require you to learn a third language to have any hope of a job (for example if you want a academic job in India Hindi needs to be underpinned by Sanskrit (and maybe Urdu) too.

So yes I think you’re being a bit unreasonable for not making more of an effort. You’re in the country already so it should be easier to get the practice in.

PBobs · 18/05/2019 13:46

We are in my home country right now waiting for our baby to arrive. My DH is trying to learn the language. He goes to the shops alone and does all the ordering when we're out, pays at the tills, etc to practice the language. He has a phrase book he uses and I teach him stock phrases. Has local radio apps on his phone etc. It's an awful language to learn. Nothing at all in common with English. He's doing really well but he really does want to learn. I'm impressed. I know he's not pregnant but he does have a lot on with work, local admin, etc right now so I'm happy he's doing what he is. He knows I'll be speaking to baby in my language (he really wants me to) so I think he likes the idea of at least grasping some of it. The ordering and paying at the till etc seems to work well. Have you been doing that? Netflix is a good idea. And radio is good.

wikowiko · 18/05/2019 13:53

My situation is slightly different as i had been living in my current country for a while when I fell pregnant and I'm a linguist, but giving birth and dealing with all the baby stuff in a foreign language really brought on my language skills, more than any classes. Though you might find there are words you learn in your new language but don't know what the English equivalent is because it's not something you've ever had to think about!

PregnantSea · 18/05/2019 13:54

I'm not so sure about the "just relax" advice from friend's and DH. As others have rightly pointed out here it will be much harder to study the language once the baby comes. You will hit so many obstacles by not being proficient in the language. You are unlikely to pick it up naturally if your DH speaks fluent English, as he will always be there as a crutch to translate things for you. I would really throw yourself into it now. You don't need to stress yourself out or set unrealistic goals, but I wouldn't take your foot off the gas just because you're pregnant. This will be the easiest time for you to learn so make the most of it.