AIBU for not spending enough time to learn my DH’s language?

[Honeybee85]

Married my DH a few months ago, currently pregnant with our first baby that is expected in a short while. I moved to DH’s country a few months ago and trying to learn the language ever since. I won’t mention which country it is as it is possibly outing but let’s say the language is objectively seen one of the most difficult ones in the world to learn. Me and DH are doing fine communicating with each other in English. I just want to learn the language of the country I am living in, my DC will speak this language and I want to find a job in a few months as well.

The problem is that currently I feel super exhausted, have trouble concentrating whenever I try to study and can’t seem to remember anything. I am trying to do the bare minimum by asking DH to teach me a new word every day and every week, I go to an 1,5 hour language lesson.

I just feel really lazy and guilty for not doing enough proper effort to master the language though DH and my friends I should relax and focus on resting before the baby comes.

AIBU for feeling like a lazy cow about myself in this situation?

PS I second the recommendation towatch TV and listen to the radio as much as possible in the foreign language.

I'd do duolingo every single day. I really helps build up your basics quickly. Id watch Netflix, YouTube, news and weather, general tv in the local language. Id spend as much time as possible exposed to the local language and force yourself to speak to one person a day in the language. Order?a drink, but some bread, ask where the loo is, ask about the bus or train, ask if they have clothes in sizes or colours, ask for prices etc. Sit in places where you hear real people and listen to them. You will start to pick up words and structure of a language and it will stick. carry a book and write down interesting words you see or hear.look them up later. Dont ask, actually look them up, you are more likely to remember.its?a good idea to sped a bit of time where'd speaks to you in his language and you try to interact. Its hard but what else can you do. Your child will grow up bilingual and you won't be able to follow.you have a window of time now without a child present and whilst you are tired you are not tired and have the constant interruptions of a baby. Let buying baby stuff be your motivation and get out there and try. You can learn it.you need to throw yourself in.people?are very forgiving of beginners ok just need to be brave and try.

Additionally i wouldverystronly recommend learning main regulat vers in both present padt and future which is easy as they will have rhe same paytern and learning the most relevant irregular ones at least in present tense. Verbs are the most important thing to learn ad they are the main backbone of a language.a been plus noun becomes instant conversation. Its the place to start with regard to speech.

is it mandrin? urdu or arabic? I studied languages and you can't learn a language just by studying it. Do you have people around you with whom you can practice the language? It's much easier to learn and retain a language when you speak in that language, even if you make mistakes in the beginning. I remember when I first had to speak english all the time. My jaws would hurt as I was getting used to it. It's takes time. I also noticed that it was hard to retain any information when I was pregnant tbh and once the baby comes it is even harder as then I was sleep deprived as well.

If you are likely to spend your pg and give birth , then live and parent a child there it is worth familiarising yourself with medical and day to day vocab to use in shops and with teachers, so at least you can follow what is happening to you and your dc and ask questions. Are you able to find a group locally or do a basic course online?

I find reading the words regularly helps me remember as well as listening to the radio/tv. Get a lable maker/post it notes and lable everything. Kettle/door/shower/soap/. Etc. As well as a few key phrases such as please can you pass me the ......
would you like a....?
Where is......? Etc. And dot them around the house. Seeing the words helps the stick in your head.

My friend at uni made herself posters and covered every inch of the house, you went to the loo and there were post it notes on the wall explaining cells and dna. It drove every one crazy but she got a 1st!

Can I second the immersive learning option now? You will also make new friends, something that will be important in making a new life in a new country. Once you have the babe, it will be even more difficult to find time and you will become increasingly isolated. And you'll have very little chance of finding even a part-time job.

Aw op, good luck with it all. Sounds like massive changes in quick succession.
I agree with the others, get yourself surrounded by people who speak it. Get dh to start using the language at home, and use things you have picked up in conversation with him.
I’m no expert, but I was told the spoken language is easier than the written/read language. I wouldn’t worry too much about books and worksheets if you’re too tired. Just spend time with dh family, even if they don’t speak English. Pop to the shop for milk, and see how it goes. And yes to the tv and radio. Your child will thank you for the effort.

Just a thought - one of the most successful intensive language teaching methods is called ULPAN. It involves frequent classes over a short period of time and was originally developed to teach Hebrew to immigrants to Israel but has been adapted for other languages. It might be worth seeing if anything using this available where you are. Alternatively, the Ealing courses (various languages) are also intended to be intensive - no idea what the cost of books plus tapes/CDs would be though.

See if there's a Michel Thomas course available in the language. They're great for getting the basics very quickly. I used one to brush up on my very rusty GCSE French before starting a new evening class.

I also recommends the watching of tv shows your DHs language too, also songs as you can look at the lyrics translations and memorize certain words etc.
I've been with my DH for 4 years and still I am not fluent (I think I would be if I put effort in, not had to due to living in UK)

I can understand almost every word spoke to me but what makes it hard is the slang words and with my DHs language there is alot of different dileact and languages merged with eachother.
Would you be able to start speaking it at home? As I believe it helps alot in terms of basic phrases e.g.. what do you want to eat? Where are you going? Are you ok? How's your day been? And so on.
Btw YANBU but I do believe you'll struggle more post birth and become potentially isolated. How do you manage with appointments and for example if you had to take your baby to a hospital would they be able to understand you?
They're just a few things to think of to motivate you a little.
Good luck OP

I would stop him speaking English at home, my first language is Urdu and I almost exclusively speak Urdu at home so my son becomes fluent in it.

Ex became fairly good at understanding Urdu and wasn’t bad at speaking it just due to being exposed to it everyday at home. We only lived together for about eight months, but it gave him fairly usable Urdu.

The best way is to immerse yourself in life even if you are having to use your hands and their potentially poor English to communicate - go to drop in type groups, volunteer, find a baby group for when lo arrives. It takes 6-12 months to get a working knowledge of any language my linguistic uncle tells me, far longer for full fluency especially in writing so don't beat yourself up over it, but throwing yourself into the deep end does work.

My dd's friend arrived at school with no English and within the year he was top of the class, no translator provided he learnt by immersion only. Yes it's easier for kids but only because they don't have as many inhibitions, worrying about making mistakes etc.

I moved to another English speaking country and it still wasn't easy to adjust, it's easier to shut yourself away than deal with it tbh I had to make myself

I would reiterate all the points about listening to the radio / watching television. A lot of phrases will sink in without you even realising. 30 years after living in another country, I can still recite endless phrases about traffic and local news, as I had the radio on constantly.

Are there radio stations where you can at least listen to the language? You may be literally not up to speed but it may help you to become 'attuned' to the sounds.

I'm in favour learning useful phrases, such as, " yes, no, please, thank you, hungry, thirsty, hello, goodbye, I'm in pain, etc."

A little practice in short bursts each day is more helpful than a weekly marathon when it comes to languages. Good luck.

I’m afraid I do think you should be putting a lot more time and effort in - as pp said, you will look back on your pregnancy and realise how much time you had on your hands!

Having become fluent in another language myself (albeit not while pregnant!) I think repetition and immersion are everything. I would:

• Spend at least 1 hour a day on grammar (being able to construct sentences easily is key to fluency)
• Spend at least 1 hour on vocabulary - learning new words, writing them out and using them in sentences. I used to have to hear a word a couple of times and use it a couple of times, then it would be locked in
• All TV/Radio/books/media in the new language. If you need a rest try watching series with the spoken language in the foreign one and the subtitles in English
• more classes
• get some exercise books and do the activities/questions
• Everytime you come across a new word write it in vocab book for practice later

It’s not easy but to will feel fantastic as you make progress and I think have a much better life in your new country. Good luck

Thanks everyone for your helpful suggestions!
I guess this was the kick up the arse I needed . DH just said he thinks I need about 500 hours of studying more to get a good grip on every day conversations and suggested to draw a schedule with 500 tick boxes and hang it somewhere in the kitchen so I can register each hour I spent on studying. I also asked a foreign friend back home how she managed to learn my native language (which is not English) and she just told me she spent her first months studying it for 6 hours a day. Not sure if that would be manageable for me given my situation in a few weeks but I definetly am going to do more effort!