Can you un-invite someone?

[Disappearedtothe80s]

DD is having her 20th birthday tonight, she has five close friends. Four girls, and one guy who are coming. All were friends from their halls of residence.

To cut a long story short, the guy two timed on two of the girls. Now the guy and girl 2 are in a relationship. Obviously very hard for girl 1 and she had moved out of their flat etc, and doesn't have much of relationship with the guy and girl 2 anymore (fair enough) but is still polite.

Anyway DD invited those 5 friends out for her birthday. Girl 2 asked if she could bring another girl (girl 3) along for moral support because she thinks everyone hates her other than one she's bringing for moral support, which isn't true, pissed off at the time yes but this happened months ago and people have moved on, as has girl 1 .

DD tolerates girl 3 (also in the halls), doesn't really like her so said yes (begrudgingly) and has barely seen her in over 6 months. Anyway girl 2 has pulled out because her aunt is dying (totally understandable) but girl 3 is still coming.

Is DD being U in pretending the birthday is cancelled so girl 3 does not come?

She's 20. Why does she need you to even have an opinion?

She was just wondering, because she's not sure so she asked me for advice...

I imagine photos will go on Instagram or FB and girl 3 will find out the party went ahead - is it worth the hassle and upset that might cause? She might provide a welcome distraction

Tough one if she really doesn't like her. But do agree that the girl she doesnt want there will inevitablely find out. So she has to decide does she dislike her enough to risk hurting her feelings?

Tough one if she really doesn't like her. But do agree that the girl she doesnt want there will inevitablely find out. So she has to decide does she dislike her enough to risk hurting her feelings?

Well the thing is girl 1 doesn't really get on that well with girl 3 either (different sides etc). And I have just remember girl 3 invited herself to DD's birthday last year too...

DD doesn't want to be rude but she wouldn't have to see her again if she did un-invite her. DD has had really shit birthdays in previous years so really doesn't want to worry about having to please other people, given she has had to work around juggling peoples commitments with exams etc.

The whole thing is just a mess. Moral of the story don't sleep with two girls that are close friends

Well the thing is girl 1 doesn't really get on that well with girl 3 either (different sides etc). And I have just remember girl 3 invited herself to DD's birthday last year too...

DD doesn't want to be rude but she wouldn't have to see her again if she did un-invite her. DD has had really shit birthdays in previous years so really doesn't want to worry about having to please other people, given she has had to work around juggling peoples commitments with exams etc.

The whole thing is just a mess. Moral of the story don't sleep with two girls that are close friends

Wow. Recalling myself at 20, I am staggered at your level of involvement knowledge of all this.

Back in our day, that approach (telling girl 3 it's off) would've been fine, but Blondie is right, she's bound to find out.

If she doesn't want her there, she probably just has to tell girl 3.

Better tell girl 3, she’s well shot of all of you. Can’t think of anything worst being “tolerated” at a party.
I can’t believe OP, you got so involved in this. You sound like Amy Poehler in Mean Girls.

Wow at 20 my mum wouldn’t even know I was going out. Why don’t you just go along and then you can smooth out any bump in the road on her night out!!!

I think you're overinvested in all of this!...I've had 2 dd at uni and never got involved in their friends and relationships!

DD flats with them so when one moved out it all come out in the wash so DD told me, I don't know the ins and outs other than what I have said.

Oh for gods sake, stop accusing me of being over-inovled unless you know the circumstance. I know those girls v well (unlike her high school friends) because my DD was in and out of hospital last year and they all came to visit her. Two of them sat with her in the emergency department for half the night whilst DD was an incoherent state until I got down to see her.

Yeah DD might be overthinking this but she had the year from hell last year

Anyway DD's decided she's coming.

I think it's nice that your DD has opened up and feels comfortable enough to share life's dramas with you and ask for advice. You obviously have a good relationship with DD. Girl 3 is going to find out. Since DD doesn't really care for girl 3 she might as well be straight with her and tell girl 3 that the plans have changed since girl 2 can't come anymore and she's going to have a smaller party with fewer ppl there.

Girl 2 asked if she could bring another girl (girl 3) along for moral support this was ride. If we are talking big party then yes it's ok to bring a random friend but there were 5 of them!

Anyway I think she can lie if she wants to. If she's never gonna see her again the right thing to do might be to tell the truth "Hi girl 3 obviously now that girl2 isn't coming I am sure you appreciate there is no need for you to come along as there will only be 4 of us. So kind of you to offer to come for girl 2."

Rude not ride

Wow some of these replies are a bit harsh on op she states her daughter asked her for her opinion. They could have a fantastic close relationship and share this kind of stuff.
I think the fact your daughter values your opinion enough at 20 to ask you is lovely 😊
but going back to question I think your daughter should contact girl three explain how uncomfortable other people would be if she came and would she mind giving It a miss x good luck

OP I had the same close relationship with my mum and it was fabulous! It was comforting to have her support and her point of view.

How lovely that she speaks to you about this type of thing! You must have a great relationship.

Hope she has a great time, and tell her to please herself on the night out and not worry about looking after this other girl.

Definitely un-invite her.

What on earth was your daughter playing at inviting out a small group of people that included a bloke and his ex who he cheated on and his new girlfriend? That is what I read isn’t it? I don’t care how much they’ve supposedly moved on that is just awkward.

Does girl 3 get on well with the rest of the people going? I would say let her go. That’s judging by what I did when I was that age for birthdays though. It would just be a drinks in local pubs then heading out to town to a club so more the merrier type thing.

I cba with all this birthday shit, can they not just go out on the piss like normal people and not involve you in their dramas?

"Hi girl 3, girl 2 has explained about her aunt. as you were girl 2's date, I guess we'll catch up another time".??

The easiest way to cancel would be to add two of the girls together, subtract one from the other leaving your daughter on her own with the lad:

Girl 2 + Girl 3 = 5
Subtract from Girl 4 = -1
Add Girl 1 = 0

My dd shares this sort of shit with me.

Hey OP, I would have gone to my mum to chat to her about this sort of thing too. Because we have a close relationship and still do. It’s lovely to have a mum who is your friend that you can confide in. As a PP suggested, something along the lines of ‘it's great that you wanted to come to support girl 2 but as she’s not coming anymore we’ve decided on a smaller get together’