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Original poster

To ask for positive stories from those of you who struggled socially as a child

38 replies

Tumblingthroughlife · 17/05/2019 19:36

... To show to my wonderful, kind and smart DS aged 10, who is having a really hard time at school at the moment. He doesn't feel that he fits in right now, and even though we think he's pretty fabulous he lacks confidence in himself. I know many of you lovely mumsnetters will have overcome similar struggles growing up. I have too, and I know how helpful it can be to hear other people's experiences. If anyone could share their 'growing up' stories so I can show this thread to DS I think it would mean a lot to him Smile

OP posts:
CostanzaG · 17/05/2019 19:42

I was bullied constantly throughout school. I was quiet and shy and didn't feel like I fit in. I hated having to speak to people and definitely hated having to speak in groups.

I really found myself during 6th form and university. I'm now an academic and my whole job involves interacting with people and public speaking and i love it!! I'm now super confident and happy with who I am as a person. Plus I'm a billion times more successful than those who bullied me throughout school!!

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 17/05/2019 19:47

Another one here, bullied so badly and so long that I still can't talk about it with anyone.

I got there eventually. Had to learn a lot of social skills very fast in uni, met my DH at 19 and am extremely happy now. I do have a very small social circle because I don't really trust people, but have a great job (working from home Grin) and an amazing family of my own.

Since2016 · 17/05/2019 19:48

Oh poor thing!!

So I am now (at 35) (outwardly - we all have our inner struggles) gregarious, very self confident and social. As a young girl and young teen I was hyper sensitive, struggled socially and didn’t have many friends, always felt a little bit ‘on the outside’ and would have been a target for bullies but was v well protected by my secondary school class.

I came into my ‘own’ at around 16. I have a (mostly) lovely husband, 2 gorgeous kids and v above avg income job that requires lots of public speaking, engagement and training. I LOVED uni and people are always amazed when I say “oh but as a child I was super shy / socially awkward”. He’ll get there. I promise. Just keep telling him how amazing he is - what a lovely parent you are to start this thread!

UnicornBrexit · 17/05/2019 19:50

You often find the shyest people are actors. It might be an avenue for him. Then he can learn the skills to be anyone he wants to be.

Orchidoptic · 17/05/2019 19:52

I found my confidence once I left school. Its a hard place to be, where you can’t choose who you spend time with and can’t leave to go elsewhere. I hated school and was convinced everyone hated me.

Names fail me, but a lot of people in Hollywood were lonely weirdos at school. I think possibly Winona Ryder, although I could be misremembering.

I have loads of friends at my current workplace, because even though I’m still me, I spend all day being cheerful and chatting to other people. Strangely enough, behaving like you like everyone can make them like you. Especially if one of the people you really like is yourself.

I know I’m a bit incoherent, but I hope it helps.

Craftycorvid · 17/05/2019 19:53

Hugs to your DS. School is not forever or the key to a happy life. I was bullied relentlessly throughout school. I have a good life now, good friends, two degrees and am a qualified therapist.

Erosisaprick · 17/05/2019 19:55

I was the same. Though female. So maybe have a slightly different experience to your DS.

One thing - I'm more resilient than my most. I often get a lot of shit off people because I'm eccentric and have unconventional ways of approaching things.

"The less you give shit, the happier you are." Truly words to live by, of which I have taken a while to do so.

Elisheva · 17/05/2019 19:56

My ds is 12. He is a wonderful, funny, loving but definitely ‘quirky’ boy. He struggled at primary school, and had a really hard time in year 6 when everyone seemed to be growing up faster than him and he just didn’t fit in anywhere.
Fast forward to now, coming towards the end of year 7, and he loves school. He has found his ‘tribe’ and has a lovely group of friends. Because there are more children the bullies are more diluted, and easier to avoid. And even though he still struggles occasionally, having a solid group of friends helps him to deal with the difficult moments.
Secondary school is very different. There are many more children, so the chance of meeting someone like you increase. Plus there are clubs so you can meet like-minded people. My ds is very happy now.

YouJustDoYou · 17/05/2019 19:58

I never fit in. My entire school childhood was utterly, utterly shit. Not one, zero, happy memories. I only started to find happiness when I left school and started college and met other kids who had similar interests to me on my course. Best few years of my life were with those kids. The first friends I ever truly made was when I was 17.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 17/05/2019 19:58

I was shy as a kid.
Now I really don’t give a monkeys. It comes with age. Embrace the intoversion and do what you enjoy.

MardyLardy · 17/05/2019 19:58

Primary is funny as there are so few kids. Hated mine, trapped in a goldfish bowl with quite nasty children. That’s the other problem the immature and the unpleasant.

High school got better and better and as a grown up have never struggled in the slightest. It was them not me;)

YouJustDoYou · 17/05/2019 19:59

I got there eventually. Had to learn a lot of social skills very fast in uni, met my DH at 19 and am extremely happy now

Exactly the same as me x

AnyFucker · 17/05/2019 20:04

My son had a hard time in school. He hated it so much.

He is now 19 and has found his people. Doing his A levels at a different college exposed him to a much wider aspect of life

Ploppymoodypants · 17/05/2019 20:04

Yep I went to a horrible school, where anyone who wanted to learn was teased and bullied. I was also horsey so considered ‘posh’. I flipping hated it so much. I used to practice swearing to try and fit it.

However now o am all grown up I am confident and friendly with a wide range of friends from different backgrounds. I can chat to anyone and not feel worried about going somewhere where I don’t know anyone.

School is rubbish if you dont fit in. I was lucky I had hobby friends to see me through.

Purpleartichoke · 17/05/2019 20:07

I never fit in at school. I was painfully shy and none of the other kids seemed to get me. When I got to university, I was still painfully shy, but I finally found my people. Some were outgoing, some were shy, all were at least a bit quirky. We bonded over our love of learning and our geeky hobbies.

I am still painfully shy, but I have a husband, I met at University and he is wonderful. He was part of that friend group. We have a great life together and our own shy, quirky, but amazing daughter.

GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman · 17/05/2019 20:12

I had a crap time on and off through school, esp 9-13 and 16-18. Got to uni and my world changed, partly because I decided to get out there and make friends, and partly because I was surrounded by like-minded people so my efforts at sociability stood some chance of success.

Adult life, friendship-wise, has mostly been great. Having had a shit time at school has I think made me a bit more thoughtful and considerate as an adult.

BursarsDriedFrogPills · 17/05/2019 20:12

The thing I wish I'd be told as a kid is not to be embarrassed by what you like. Don't apologise for the things you are interested in. It sounds simple but I spent a long time masking my true likings in the name of "fitting in". So my advice would be to spent this time where things are tough socially, thinking about (and doing if possible), the stuff he likes or wants to try. Because if you know who you are, you are winning at life.

CMOTDibbler · 17/05/2019 20:14

I'm not going to lie and say I went from a socially awkward child to being a social success. But when I went to university it was like an amazing revelation that there were loads of people like me, and I didn't need to fit in with the herd.
I've had a very successful career, travel the world for work - but the difference between the unhappy teen I was, and the very happy adult I became was finding I didn't need to change, just change the people around me.

Marilynmansonsthermos · 17/05/2019 20:17

Good luck to your Ds who sounds lovely. I too like others on this thread found my confidence upon leaving secondary school at 16. I was very shy and quiet there, bullied at times and had social anxiety. Looking back it feels such a tiny part of my life and I don't recognize the person I was then. My life has changed in so many ways, I am very confident and assertive and have a wonderful family. I promise your son, the best is yet to come! Some of us just don't fit into the school model.

CruCru · 17/05/2019 20:19

My primary school was awful. It had a terrible bullying problem but because the children were middle class, it either went unacknowledged or the victim was blamed. Looking back, I may have had some mild autism (not always picked up in girls and definitely not in the eighties) which I have found strategies to get around.

I found secondary school so much easier (and more interesting). I’m now a confident adult who has a lot of friends.

alltheteainchinajustisntenough · 17/05/2019 20:22

The fact that your DS has the self-awareness to even feel like, and then articulate, that he feels this way at AGE 10 is testament to what an intelligent, kind and empathetic person he is. Many adults couldn’t do the same!! Coupled with the fact that he clearly has fabulous parents who have shown him love and support and helped him be the lovely young man he already so clearly is, he’s going to be absolutely fine :)

Maybe now isn’t quite ‘his’ time socially, but he’ll be flying before he knows it - big hugs to such a wonderful family and a brilliant boy xxxxxxxx

Original poster
Tumblingthroughlife · 17/05/2019 20:28

Thanks so much for all your responses! It's hugely helpful to hear all of your stories and I know that this thread will be a comfort to my lovely ds. He has heard from me many times about how I was shy too, and bullied at school, and that as I have gotten older that aspect of life has become much easier. However I do think it makes a world of difference to hear about the experiences of people other than your Mum Grin so thankyou!!

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 17/05/2019 20:47

School is not forever

Hear hear! I was awkward at school - few friends, on the periphery of groups, felt I had the act in certain ways to seek acceptance... Things just gradually got better and better as I got older and found more like-minded people. I took up karate. I got a job I loved. I embraced the fact that I am a nerd and won't apologise for it. I learnt to be proud of my academic aptitude and love of reading.

I'm now 33 and actually (unexpectedly) at the centre of a couple of social groups. You know what the best thing is? Because of my earlier experience, I never leave anyone out, and I've learnt that I'm really good at drawing people in from the periphery and arranging social events - because I've learnt that lots of people are scared of sticking their necks out and doing stuff (in case no one shows up!) but once you do it you reap the rewards.

Loopytiles · 17/05/2019 20:50

I was v miserable at age 10, then met lovely friends at 13 and had great teen years. I do still struggle socially at work and outside, but can get by, the problem at primary school is being stuck with the same crowd for way too long!

Loopytiles · 17/05/2019 20:50

Being an “outsider” can have some advantages too.

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