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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be too scared to have sex with DH but not want to tell him

27 replies

LittleRoundBall · 17/05/2019 08:45

Currently pregnant for the 7th time (none successful).

This time I'm just absolutely petrified of having sex. I know logically that it's not the cause of my miscarriages but last time I miscarried it was the morning after we'd dtd and I just can't get that out of my head now.

Sorry if tmi but my and DH dtd quite regularly usually and it's not because I just don't feel like it because I'm tired etc... Because I do. But I'm just too frightened.

Me and DH usually talk about everything and anything but for some reason I just don't want to tell him this and instead am making excuses like not feeling well. I guess I just feel a bit daft!

OP posts:

Thegirlwithnousername · 17/05/2019 08:48

Don't feel daft, I was the same 2 late miscarriages after sex/orgasm for my next 2 successful pregnancies we didn't DTD.
DH was actually very understanding and felt the same.
Talk to him.

PirateWeasel · 17/05/2019 08:52

Tell him. What you're feeling is perfectly valid and it's only temporary until you're a bit further along and feeling more confident. If he has a problem with it, remind him he won't be getting any for at least a month after the baby is born so he might as well get used to it now!

PregnantSea · 17/05/2019 08:55

Tell him how you're feeling. I'm sure he'll understand, honestly. Besides, you can still do stuff that's not PIV. Might actually be good fun!

mindutopia · 17/05/2019 09:17

Sorry for your losses. Just talk to him. It's quite possible he may feel the same actually. With my first pregnancy, I had heavy bleeding (all fine, just scary). I just didn't feel comfortable having sex after that. We didn't again until well after she was born. I had a mc after that. And with baby #2 we didn't even attempt it. It was fine. He understood.

thegreatcrestednewt · 17/05/2019 09:20

You poor love. I'm so sorry for your losses. YANBU at all here. You're right to do all you can. Talk to him.

Lifeisabeach09 · 17/05/2019 09:21

Tell him how you're feeling. I'm sure he'll understand, honestly. Besides, you can still do stuff that's not PIV. Might actually be good fun!

^^ This.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 17/05/2019 09:43

Are you seeing a consultant this time? What have they said about sex? Often after so many losses they might actually say to hold off so can you say 'The doctor says...' as that might feel less personal?

I really hope that this pregnancy works out, I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. xx

HiJenny35 · 17/05/2019 09:44

Large bleed after sex in first pregnancy. Doctor said no more sex after that.
No sex in second pregnancy as I was scared. I explained I wasn't happy to and that was the end of it. Baby comes first. You're not the only one, you'll feel better once you've had the conversation.

Waveysnail · 17/05/2019 09:52

As soon as I started to show dh was too scared to have sex with me and I showed at 12 weeks with subsequent children. So no it's not silly. Talk to dh. Theres plenty of other ways to be intimate without penetration

WoahMySocksAreOnFire · 17/05/2019 09:59

Being intimate with each other doesn’t necessarily mean penetration if that’s what’s scaring you?
Talk to your DH... you can do other things to keep your closeness and sex life going if you still have the urge.
I hated sex when pregnant so we did everything but actual penetration (I know it’s illogical but I felt like we would poke the baby)
It was actually fun getting know each other’s bodies in other ways and I think improved our sex life post birth too

BlingLoving · 17/05/2019 10:13

After that many miscarriages, I suspect your DH will be more than willing to do whatever you need to do to feel more comfortable. You have had a horrible time and taking extra precautions seems perfectly reasonable (while sex is generally considered perfectly safe in pregnancy, enough women have been told to abstain for one reason or another that it seems perfectly reasonable to take a "better safe than sorry" approach.).

Talk to your DH. I think he'll understand.

stucknoue · 17/05/2019 10:13

You can still have intimacy but refrain from intercourse. Talk to him though, he will understand

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 17/05/2019 10:16

Tell him. He may have similar worries too.
That everything goes well for you.

I can perfectly understand your worries, so please don’t think you are being silly X

musicmaiden · 17/05/2019 10:17

Yes, please do tell him, exactly how you've told us: it's a completely valid feeling after everything you've been through, and any man worth his salt would completely understand. As PPs have said, there are so many other things you can do together that will keep you loving and intimate until you feel confident to have penetrative sex again.

Sending very best wishes that it all goes well this time for you.

hidinginthenightgarden · 17/05/2019 10:19

I think you need to tell him.
Your excuses are lies and he could be very hurt by your apparent lack of interest and your reluctance to confide in him.
You aren't being silly, you have been through so much heartbreak - and so has he.

Everydayimhuffling · 17/05/2019 10:32

Totally understandable and I'm sure he will understand, if not feel the same as PP have said. I'm so sorry for your losses.

I felt too sick for sex in my first trimester this time anyway, but after my previous miscarriage I was extra anxious. I can only imagine how you feel. 🌷

vdbfamily · 17/05/2019 10:35

I had a similar worry after losing 2 babies in a row at 12 weeks gestation. In the end I rationalised that miscarriages tend to occur because the foetus is not healthy/viable and a strong healthy foetus that has implanted properly and is growing normally would not be dislodged by making love and that in some ways I would prefer it happened earlier rather than later. I think sometimes it times with lovemaking as the contractions(??) you get during an orgasm maybe causes unhealthy uterine matter to shift out of the body rather than just sit there. That is not anything I have researched but more a feeling. I am perimenopausal at present and have not had a period for about 14 months but sometimes post love making there may be a bit of discharge that looks like tail end of period, so am assuming the muscle spasm can dislodge stuff that has been lurking??
I cannot imagine what that many losses feels like for you though and if you would not enjoy sex through worry then do not do it, as others have said, there are other things you can do. Assume you have had all the medical tests available like to check for blood clotting disorders etc. Big hugs x

kaytee87 · 17/05/2019 10:38

I'm so sorry you've had so many losses. Life can be very unfair
Op I'd suggest being honest with your DH, I'm sure he'll understand.
What has your consultant said?

YouWhoNeverArrived · 17/05/2019 10:45

Has your obstetrician said anything? Can you ask at your next appointment? After 7 losses, I assume you're under an obstetrician.

In the meantime, I second the posters who have suggested other forms of intimacy. And be honest with your DH - honesty will help to keep you emotionally close. I'm sure your husband will understand, particularly if it's only temporary until you're further along.

GeoffreyEatsPancakes · 17/05/2019 10:48

I am sorry for your losses

Talk to your Dh.

I had a subchorionic hematoma which is a massive blood clot between the placenta and uterine wall with Ds2 and we were told not to have sex at all until the 20 week scan to check everything was okay. I was put on bed rest, couldn't walk anywhere, told not to lift Ds1 who was 2 1/2.

You are not the only one abstaining during pregnancy and for good reason. Of course you are frightened and even though your fears maybe unfounded it doesn't lessen them for you. But you need to tell your Dh.

Minniemagoo · 17/05/2019 10:50

OMG totally understandable, and actually quite a common reaction. I know I did a lot of things that to others may have seemed extreme (like moving the microwave into the shed) but whatever helps you mentally is ok. Please do talk to your Dh about this though, as previously said he has been through all the heartbreak too and definitely explore other ways of being close.

Purplegecko · 17/05/2019 10:53

I think he'd understand and it will be a weight off your shoulders to share your fears. You're having a baby together, I'm sure he loves and respects you and you will both get through this together but you must communicate. He'll probably be relieved that it's just that, and not that you aren't up for it for another reason.
Wholeheartedly wishing you both all the best, take it easy OP

Merchant · 17/05/2019 10:59

I’m so sorry for your losses. As someone who has had a miscarriage, i can’t imagine what you’ve had to go through with so many. Sending all my hopes for a successful pregnancy for you. Have you had investigations as to why this keeps happening? Mine was an incompetent cervix and they talked about putting in a stitch and complete bed rest. I hope you’re under a top consultant and being well looked after. I think keeping your stress levels low is the most important thing right now so please do speak to your DH. I’d also recommend pregnancy yoga and meditation and hypnotherapy. Kept my stress levels under control during subsequent pregnancies

TheABC · 17/05/2019 11:03

I can't speak for most men, but sex for DH means love, trust and appreciation, even without a straight orgasm. You can demonstrate all of that without a PIV - an intimate massage is an amazing thing, as is food play, oral sex and pillow fights. After so many losses, of course he will understand.

Original poster

LittleRoundBall · 17/05/2019 11:05

Wow thank you all so much for the replies and well wishes. I feel more confident now that I'm not being totally ridiculous!

I will speak to DH tonight. He will understand, he's a good man and he only ever wants the best for me. It's been really hard for him too so I owe him honesty.

For those that have asked, yes I am under the recurrent miscarriage clinic at the hospital, I have an appointment on Monday.

All tests have come back fine so far but we strongly suspect that it is a genetic issue as my mother has a balanced translocation. We haven't got as far as actually testing for this yet though.

OP posts:

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