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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why am I such a man pleaser?

38 replies

OctoberOrchid · 16/05/2019 20:50

I'm in my 30's and I've been in a long term rship for eight years. My partner is wonderful and has no idea that I am 'this way'.

I seem to be, for lack of a better term, an excessive pleaser Confused
By this I mean I find it incredibly difficult to inconvenience him in any way. He has never had to cook or make his own cup of tea, he has never had to do any chores or use the washing machine. I even struggle to ask him to contribute financially to things. For example he'll ask me how much the grocery shopping was so that he can give me half, and I'll say he owes me £40, when in fact he owes me £70.

I also agree to things that I'm not completely on board with. He wanted a puppy and although I didn't, I agreed anyway and then took it upon myself to do all the feeding/walking/cleaning up poo etc by myself (I love the dog with all my heart now obviously).

I'm up in the morning before him making sure his breakfast is ready, clothes are ready etc. And in his eyes I'm just a very caring and loving girlfriend, when in reality I don't actually enjoy being over attentive at all. I don't enjoy cooking, cleaning and doing everything myself and yet I am incapable of asking him to do anything remotely mundane.

He's now talking about us having a child together and I find myself going along with it, even I'm not ready for that, yet I would never let him know that. I would rather secretly go on the pill than tell him I don't want a baby.

What the hell is wrong with me? Is this a self esteem issue? Could it be something more deep rooted that I need to address? I'm so exhausted and almost feel like I am watching my life like a movie. As though I'm a spectator Sad

OP posts:
Tableclothing · 16/05/2019 20:50

Tell us about your mum and dad.

Raffy2019 · 16/05/2019 20:52

Bloody hell. I'm the opposite.

BlueSkiesLies · 16/05/2019 20:53

Fucking hell. That doesn’t sound healthy.

formerbabe · 16/05/2019 20:54

Were you brought up to be ridiculously polite and helpful and never inconvenience your parents? I am a bit like you.

Original poster
OctoberOrchid · 16/05/2019 20:54

@Tableclothing Great relationship with my mother, my father was not in my life consistently growing up. This was normal to me though as my parents separated before I was born.

OP posts:
TinyMarie · 16/05/2019 20:55

My first thought was allow self esteem. Are you scared he'll leave you if you stop doing these things?

TinyMarie · 16/05/2019 20:55

Low* not allow!

Original poster
OctoberOrchid · 16/05/2019 20:58

@BlueSkiesLies I agree not healthy at all. I consider myself intelligent with plenty of common sense and I am vocal/passionate about my opinions and yet this one weird thing I do seems so ridiculous to my ligical self and yet I still do it

OP posts:
Atalune · 16/05/2019 20:58

You’re setting yourself up for a life of drudgery.

Now it may be that you love being a home maker and a mother and derive pure joy from such roles. It’s not for me, but I can respect that even in the 21st century for some that’s what makes them happy.

But it’s not for you.

And so you need to get yourself into therapy and unpick this. And do it now.

Fatted · 16/05/2019 20:58

It's probably self esteem. I was like this to a much lesser extent when I met DH.

The problem is since having DC, they come first now. And I've also become better at voicing my own needs, so it has led to some conflicts between DH and I. But on the whole I am happier with being true to myself.

123rd · 16/05/2019 20:59

Wow ... I could be like that for short spells of time but then would absolutely explode and yell at him to pull his weight.
Even tho it doesn't sound like he doesn't 'want' to. Sounds like he isn't getting the chance.
Does he ever get up and do breakfast, offer to cook etc.
Do you seriously set his clothes out in the morning. ( not being catty btw. Honest question )

Tableclothing · 16/05/2019 21:04

So your dad had a habit of disappearing from your life for lengthy intervals as you were growing up?

Original poster
OctoberOrchid · 16/05/2019 21:05

@123rd No I just make sure they're ironed etc. No idea why, he doesn't mind doing these things himself.

He used to offer to cook and clean but I think he thinks I genuinely want to do all these things for him and so he lets me get on with it. Not his fault of course.

@TinyMarie I don't even think it's that, I thought it was at first. I think it is more that I'm worried I won't appear to be what he expects me to be. Even though he hadn't placed any expectations on me.

OP posts:
PookieDo · 16/05/2019 21:08

Yes but you have placed an expectation of yourself on you, and now you feel you can’t stop what you started!

Also I don’t think it’s ok that he is passively just going along with not helping you at all. This suits him just fine

At some point in your life you learnt that this was how relationships function and only you can change the dynamic

Original poster
OctoberOrchid · 16/05/2019 21:08

@Tableclothing Yes and he had another family with children. As an adult I connected with him more but I haven't made much effort with him to be honest.

I don't recall ever missing him as a child, as it was normal not to see him.

OP posts:
managedmis · 16/05/2019 21:10

He used to offer to cook and clean but I think he thinks I genuinely want to do all these things for him and so he lets me get on with it. Not his fault of course.

^

This is interesting. Are you absolutely sure?

VodselForDinner · 16/05/2019 21:12

I haven’t read your posts but, based on the title, I’m guessing an absent father.

Off to read it now and see how my armchair psychoanalysis measures up.

BlueJava · 16/05/2019 21:16

I think you are subconsciously doing this to "keep him". But I think it's dangerous (and obviously won't work because being an unpaid maid won't keep someone). Have you thought of counselling?

Original poster
OctoberOrchid · 16/05/2019 21:17

@VodselForDinner Wow I'm concerned now! Although he was absent he was never unkind or unloving, I never knew any different. Seeing him sporadically was my normal.
My parents were young teens when they had me and so I am sympathetic to that situation and don't feel resentment or anything

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2019 21:20

There is a psychiatric theory that children secretly want their parents to split up so they can have them all to themselves and if they do, the children become scared of success.

I wonder if you are subconsciously harking back to something in childhood. If you aren't perfect men leave and have another family? Maybe. If you do everything they won't want to leave.

I'm sort of the opposite of you in the relationship. I went out with a few people pleasing men in my 20s and 30s and ended up breaking up with them because it felt weird to be waited on hand and foot, treated like a queen and having no expectation of reciprocity. Made me feel all weird and unhappy. But your OH is happy never making a cup of tea or washing up once? I don't think the issue is just you.

I think you need counselling to sort this out. And DON'T have a baby you don't want or lie about contraception. Not cool.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 16/05/2019 21:22

I have a wonderful best friend. She's a clever, independent woman. Funny, loving, kind... her Dad was not around much growing up though & she has always, without fail moulded to fit any boyf she's ever had.

She now has very loving partner & they have a child. She seems very happy with him. But, I was astounded recently when she told me how little he does in terms of child care, housework etc....
They are very happy. They love each other & I like him very much. But I would not be able to live with someone who I didn't feel I was in an equal partnership with.

But you know each to their own hey? I'm sure my partner would drive loads of people up the wall. He is challenging in other ways. But I do feel as though we try to share the domestic stuff as much as we can 🤷🏻‍♀️

Eustasiavye · 16/05/2019 21:22

Well you can't blame him for letting you do it.
I can't imagine being in a relationships and not being honest about not wanting children.
You have to tell him the truth.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 16/05/2019 21:23

Although having said all that I do think counselling is probably a good idea OP.

Eustasiavye · 16/05/2019 21:28

Thinking about it I have a friend who's father left when she was a child. By her own admission it has scared her for life.
In all her relationships she has sacrificed herself in order to put her partner first, always.
She cooks, cleans, alters her work pattern to accommodate them, wears the clothes they like, etc etc.

Tableclothing · 16/05/2019 21:28

To speak in absolute generalities (and please note the hedging language):

Parents tend to be important psychologically to children, whether they're good or bad, present or absent. From these early relationships, whatever they are, children can develop expectations of their treatment by others that can last a lifetime.

A father who regularly disappears from their child's life, who maintains an alternative family, could be (though probably not deliberately) sending a message to the child that the child is not the most important person to the father, that they can easily be replaced, that the father's love is strictly conditional (and often withdrawn). Children often think that things are their fault, even when it's absolutely not. The child of such a father might think her father left because of something she had/hadn't done.

It might not be surprising if a child who grew up with such an unreliable father were to feel less confident that other men would stick around later on. That lack of confidence could grow into a fear of displeasing them, a fear of "not being good enough".

Unfortunately, no matter how hard they try, that child could never relax in the knowledge that they had finally tried hard enough and been the perfect child/woman. A few different reasons for this, including that none of us are ever perfect, so they're chasing an impossible dream, and that actually, the child's behaviour was never really the reason the man left anyway. You can't fix something that was never broken, no matter how hard you try.

Anyway, that was a load of wild speculation and generalising. If you're thinking about using secret contraception while pretending to be trying for a baby, a bit of counselling to straighten things out in your mind might help.