Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why am I such a man pleaser?

38 replies

OctoberOrchid · 16/05/2019 20:50

I'm in my 30's and I've been in a long term rship for eight years. My partner is wonderful and has no idea that I am 'this way'.

I seem to be, for lack of a better term, an excessive pleaser Confused
By this I mean I find it incredibly difficult to inconvenience him in any way. He has never had to cook or make his own cup of tea, he has never had to do any chores or use the washing machine. I even struggle to ask him to contribute financially to things. For example he'll ask me how much the grocery shopping was so that he can give me half, and I'll say he owes me £40, when in fact he owes me £70.

I also agree to things that I'm not completely on board with. He wanted a puppy and although I didn't, I agreed anyway and then took it upon myself to do all the feeding/walking/cleaning up poo etc by myself (I love the dog with all my heart now obviously).

I'm up in the morning before him making sure his breakfast is ready, clothes are ready etc. And in his eyes I'm just a very caring and loving girlfriend, when in reality I don't actually enjoy being over attentive at all. I don't enjoy cooking, cleaning and doing everything myself and yet I am incapable of asking him to do anything remotely mundane.

He's now talking about us having a child together and I find myself going along with it, even I'm not ready for that, yet I would never let him know that. I would rather secretly go on the pill than tell him I don't want a baby.

What the hell is wrong with me? Is this a self esteem issue? Could it be something more deep rooted that I need to address? I'm so exhausted and almost feel like I am watching my life like a movie. As though I'm a spectator Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
OctoberOrchid · 16/05/2019 21:30

Counselling it is then Sad I do realise I cannot keep this up forever, whatever it is. I don't want to live a life where I am making everything harder for myself just to ensure someone else has a comfy, easy life.

OP posts:
Original poster
OctoberOrchid · 16/05/2019 21:33

@Tableclothing Thank you so much for your input, it is being a huge help. I am seeing things from a perspective that I hadn't even thought of.

OP posts:
Tableclothing · 16/05/2019 21:34

Look for someone registered with BACP, and if you don't like the counsellor, change! They're all different. Good luck Flowers

Tableclothing · 16/05/2019 21:35

I'm glad it was helpful (was a bit worried I might have overstepped the mark). Hope you get sorted soon.

EmeraldShamrock · 16/05/2019 21:43

I agree counselling is the way forward, may I ask did your DM have many relationships during ypur child hood, did she ever put a man's needs before you.
I am far from an expert, but I saw this before, now neice is similar.
You could also do with raising ypur self esteem, practise being assertive even if it is in the mirror, ask for things for you, make a list start small ask for a cuppa, move up to making dinner.
You deserve to be treated well, familiarity will breed contempt in the relationship, human nature you'll give, he will take, even if it is unintentional.

EngagedAgain · 16/05/2019 21:44

Yes, well you have got to a point where you want change, and the real you or the new you is itching to come out. This might come as a shock to your partner. He will either change with you or may not. I wouldn't consider having children just yet.

newtlover · 16/05/2019 21:44

at least you have recognised there is a problem OP, give yourself some credit for that

peardrops1 · 16/05/2019 21:45

I definitely agree with the counselling suggestion - it can make a huge difference. Find someone you trust and like, and don't be afraid to switch if you don't hit it off with the first one. I had (quite a few) sessions with a counsellor I didn't particularly like (I am also a people-pleaser and felt too awkward to say it didn't feel right, so in the end I just tried to convince him I was 'cured' and therefore didn't need any more sessions, and yes I am aware this isn't the behaviour of someone no longer in need of counselling; side note, this is also how I date, so it's really surprising I haven't yet ended up married to someone out of politeness). Anyway, I eventually had some sessions with a counsellor I really liked - can honestly say that second lot changed my life! Good luck. You sound nice!

Fiveredbricks · 16/05/2019 23:16

Stop doing them for him and see how nice he really is, OP.

TheInebriati · 16/05/2019 23:19

Thats really good advice. Best to find out before you have children together as well.

Original poster
OctoberOrchid · 17/05/2019 00:26

Thank you to everybody who replied Smile I am going to seek out some counselling and figure this out. I don't want to end up living a life I didn't want all because I was too polite to say no. That's a terrifying and sad thought.

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 17/05/2019 05:03

You lack confidence & self esteem because your Dad chose his other family over you. You think that maybe if you or your mother had been a better wife and daughter he may have stayed. You need to be a good 'wife' to ensure your OH stays because you tie your self esteem with your ability to 'keep' a partner.

You need counselling and you need to realise you are important and worthy on your own and don't NEED a relationship to validate yourself. You are enough.

SignedUpJust4This · 17/05/2019 05:04

Sorry this is just my first impression given the info you've shared. I'm clearly not an expert.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread