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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 12 year old is being bullied. I'm seeing the teacher tomorrow, what should I expect?

51 replies

AndOutComeTheBoobs · 16/05/2019 17:39

He's being beaten by this kid on a daily basis. (Year 7).
He punched my son in the stomach so hard today that he was doubled over and couldn't catch his breath.

This kid threatens to beat him up constantly and shares classes with my son.

This kid didn't use to be in my sons classes but was a trouble maker apparently and got switched classes. I've no idea why or for what reason. Ds was fine until then.
He's now very disruptive in a 'if you can't beat em join em' situation.

I spoke to the school on the phone explained about it and asked if my son could switch classes to get away from him.

They said no and now I have an appt with the head of house tomorrow.

My son point blank doesn't want this kid to find out that we are having a meeting about the bullying or he will "kick the shit" out of my son.

I understand what he is saying, that very thing happened to me. 'Grass' on them and they find you after school.

What can I expect from tomorrow?

I feel sick that my son is enduring this.

OP posts:
Malbecfan · 16/05/2019 18:04

Start your preparation now. Sit down with your DS and make a note of as many incidents as he can remember: date, approximate time, what the bully did and what it was in response to (if anything). Keep a copy of it.

When you go in, keep calm. Explain that you are there because your DS does not feel safe since this child was moved into his class. He was fine before; the only thing that has changed is the child appearing. Give them the list of incidents. Ask how your DS is meant to stay safe? Is there somewhere supervised he can go to avoid the bully? Remind them that your DS's behaviour was good until this child was moved into the class. Quite probably, if the kid was moved, he's probably got form for this, so it won't come as a surprise to the school.

Above all else, keep calm. Listen and don't hesitate to make notes on what they say. You can then email back to confirm your understanding of the outcomes, which may prove useful later. Hope all goes well.

Original poster
AndOutComeTheBoobs · 16/05/2019 18:05

Bump.

Someone else has been through this surely? 😭

OP posts:
Original poster
AndOutComeTheBoobs · 16/05/2019 18:05

Sorry cross posted!

OP posts:
Original poster
AndOutComeTheBoobs · 16/05/2019 18:06

Thank you, what can I expect them to do?

OP posts:
VickyEadie · 16/05/2019 18:10

I can see why you'd want to get your child into another class/the bully out, but the assaults are probably going on out of class - so it's unlikely of itself to stop them.

You need to ask if the HOH is aware of the bullying - if the answer is 'yes', what do they propose to do to stop it happening. If no, why not? Has your son reported it to any member of staff? If not, why not? If yes, why wasn't this referred to the HOH, etc?

They need to make a plan to keep your son safe and apply appropriate strategies/sanctions to the bully to change his behaviour. Your son needs to know that if he reports an incident, it will be followed up.

BathTangle · 16/05/2019 18:12

The school should have an anti bullying policy on their website, which sets out what they will do, in stages. Get a copy of this and ask them to explain how they are following it. If they are not following policy, you should escalate by following their complaints policy to the letter.

Grasspigeons · 16/05/2019 18:12

They should have a behaviour policy or ant-bullying policy on their website

Print it off and go through it before and make sure they are going to apply it.
yes take notes, and email them a copy of your notes too.

I don't know what they can do. I'm new to secondary stuff. Good luck. I think i'd be tempted to make some arrangements to get my child to and from school safely.

HomeMadeMadness · 16/05/2019 18:12

I agree with PP. I would make written notes detailing all the incidences including physical attacks and threats. Have a clear idea in your mind what you want the outcome of the meeting to be. Make sure you write down their proposed course of action and perhaps arrange a follow up meeting after a few weeks to discuss whether whatever they put into action is working.

Straysocks · 16/05/2019 18:15

I really feel for both of you. You may be surprised by how helpful it is. My son is very quiet and hates to draw attention to himself but the bullying was relentless so despite pleas not to I asked for a meeting. They listened, didn't suggest my son was wrong, didn't put it down to boys type of play. When they pulled the bully up they told him that his behaviour had been observed by various teachers (it hadn't) and that the school found it reprehensive and so if it continued they'd take x,y, z actions. They emailed all relevant teachers to ask for observations and decreed that the bully must not be with hearing distance let alone touching distance. As pp says, write the notes before and during the meeting. Ask who is going to lead on this and when they are going to report back. Ask what they need to now about future incidences. Get a direct number or email address for that lead. Good luck

agnurse · 16/05/2019 18:15

I think you should also sign your son up for self-defense classes.

I'm of the school of, "You should never start a fight - but never be afraid to end one".

Original poster
AndOutComeTheBoobs · 16/05/2019 18:15

Yes! Of course they do, why didn't I think of that?

Thank you, after the baby is asleep I will read through it carefully.

OP posts:
Thadeus · 16/05/2019 18:19

The school will tell you that things aren’t as bad as you think it is. That to a point it is your child’s fault that it is happening. That they are working with the young man to encourage everyone to be friends. That they can move your son away from his friends.
Basically anything and everything they can so that they don’t actually have to deal with the problem.
We ended up changing schools to get away from the little shit that was bullying my son......and yes I have enjoyed sitting back and watching karma do it’s best.

Original poster
AndOutComeTheBoobs · 16/05/2019 18:21

That's exactly what my school did to me.

And already what they did to my son when he was punched in the face 2 weeks after starting secondary school.
I already have lost faith in them. I just hope this (different) teacher is more helpful tomorrow.

I spoke to my son about moving schools if it got too bad and he said flat out - no.

OP posts:
Original poster
AndOutComeTheBoobs · 16/05/2019 18:26

I just skim read it and it basically says

"Bullying is bad, these are the types of bullying, a child has a right to not be bullied, don't bully."

Does say how they handle it or what they do to prevent it.

OP posts:
LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 16/05/2019 18:26

Poor kid.

Yes - print off the school anti bullying policy and write down all the incidents (with date and time and as much detail as possible).

Mention the threats and the violence.

What do you want - I would go for expulsion of this child. They were possibly moved from another class because of their behaviour and the school will know that and this hasn’t helped.

Have other children been victims of this child too? Maybe speak to some mums you are friendly with.

Make sure you put this in writing - addresses to the teacher, head and board of governors. They can’t be allowed to sweep it under the carpet or hope that summer will come along and you will just go away.

Original poster
AndOutComeTheBoobs · 16/05/2019 18:45

When he was punched by the other kid they refused point blank to tell me how they were going to deal with it.

I don't think they will tell me this time either.

OP posts:
Original poster
AndOutComeTheBoobs · 16/05/2019 18:45

And it's pointless printing out the school policy.

It tells me nothing.

Are all policies that rubbish?

OP posts:
LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 16/05/2019 18:46

You have the right to know how they are going to make your child safe in their school.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 16/05/2019 18:47

You could take the policy and ask what it means.

Ask about your child’s right to be taught uninterrupted in a safe environment.

Tunnockswafer · 16/05/2019 18:47

Teacher here. Tell them if it happens again you will go to the police, and then do it.

Original poster
AndOutComeTheBoobs · 16/05/2019 18:48

Tunnockswafer I want to go to the police.
My son is terrified it will make things worse.

OP posts:
hullaballoonie · 16/05/2019 18:49

Sorry OP but the school sounds rubbish. This would 100% be dealt with and not tolerated by my DS school which is a large state Senior school. Mention duty of care and safeguarding, see what they say and more importantly what they say they'll do. I would be looking for another school if they don't deal with it I'm afraid. I know it's not what your DS wants but his current school is all he knows. Good luck.

optimisticpessimist01 · 16/05/2019 18:50

In the school I am at, this is a more than good reason for a fixed term exclusion

Take a notebook full of notes of what has happened, dates (or months if can't remember specific dates), any doctors/hospital visits if applicable. Get the names of the governors of the school, you could use this as ammunition if no progress seems to be made.

As a minimum I would request that said bully is moved to the other side of the year group so they are in none of their lessons

An appointment with head of house is not high enough for anything too drastic to happen. Demand an appointment with headteacher and assistant head in charge of behaviour. If all else fails, threaten to go the the press to express a complete lack of liability, duty of care and competence.

optimisticpessimist01 · 16/05/2019 18:51

I agree about going to the police too, press and police are 2 things that frighten the daylights out of schools.

hullaballoonie · 16/05/2019 18:52

You can report to Ofsted if you feel it's necessary