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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to this is is a bit rude?

98 replies

NCforthisone19 · 16/05/2019 13:06

Fully prepared to be told IABU, completely lighthearted as I don't care what happens either way Smile

DH has a friend in work who separated from his wife about a year ago. He and DH don't socialise outside of work, and DH is always saying about how this guy (let's call him Ben) has been enjoying life since the separation by using OLD apps like Tinder and meeting random women for sex. Each to their own.

DH has arranged an evening at our house for him, his best friend and DS (12) to watch some big football final in a couple of weeks. No idea what, sorry, I don't have an interest in football. DH is providing food in the form of pizza, nachos etc and beer for the adults.

He has told me that he has now invited Ben, so we will need to buy an air bed, as with one mate on the sofa, there will not be room for Ben to sleep and he needs to stay as he wants to drink. All fine by me, I will be in the bedroom watching Netflix working.

He came home for lunch today and reminded me about his plans, but mentioned that Ben will probably have a few drinks and leave after the food and football as he will "want a shag". I said that it seemed a little rude, to come for a sleepover type event, eat the food and drink the beer provided then sod off for a better option. DH says IABU because he is entitled to do what he wants (and I 100% agree with him there, it's Ben's life) but if I was going to a planned sleepover/party type thing at a friend's house, I wouldn't drop everyone part way through for a meaningless hump.

DH said it's a perfectly normal thing for men to do, and that it isn't rude in the slightest. I said that as we are having to purchase an air bed when we are pretty skint at the moment, for someone who may or may not stay, it is a bit rude, and that surely someone can not have sex just for one, planned evening to spend time with friends.

So AIBU? It's rude, right? Or perhaps not and I am wrong. Like I said, whether he leaves or not doesn't bother me, I'm not involved directly anyway, but it just seems a bit...usey.

OP posts:
Original poster
NCforthisone19 · 16/05/2019 13:24

It all sounds a bit childish if I'm honest Grin They are all late 30s. I can't blame him really, he doesn't have much of a life as he's my full time carer, so he's looking forward to a rare social evening.

OP posts:
SparklyLeprechaun · 16/05/2019 13:25

Tell him to bring a sleeping bag. Don't buy an air bed, there's no need. Does he even know you have to buy one?

Member · 16/05/2019 13:28

YANBU
You are providing an evening of entertainment complete with food and drink and offering a place to stay so that he doesn’t incur the wrath of his mum.

It’s not necessarily rude to go on elsewhere after the football as some posters feel but expecting you to commit to purchasing something to ensure his comfort when he might bugger off is too much.

Don’t you know anyone who might have a camp bed or air bed they use at Christmas or for camping that they could loan you for the night?

somecakefather · 16/05/2019 13:28

I agree with your DH, although Ben may have been a bit thoughtless if he knew about the airbed being bought on his behalf.

Drum2018 · 16/05/2019 13:30

I wouldn't be buying an air bed regardless of whether Ben stays or not. Why should you be out of pocket for the sake of him staying one night? Let him bring one himself or he can sleep on the couch, cushions on floor. I do think YABU expecting him to stay for his 'sleepover' though. Personally I'd be delighted he was heading off, for whatever reason, so I didn't have to put him up, see him the next morning, provide breakfast etc.

Original poster
NCforthisone19 · 16/05/2019 13:31

Seems like IA mostly BU then in thinking it's rude - fair enough Smile

I agree though, us buying an air bed when we don't have a need for one other than for one night is a bit silly, especially if there's a high chance it won't even be used, so Ben can kip on the floor. Or on DS' pool unicorn? Grin

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 16/05/2019 13:32

I think it's rude! If he's hedging his bets on getting a shag, then you definitely don't spend money on an airbed you don't need...if he doesn't get his shag then he can sleep on the floor can't he or get a taxi home to mummy and be extra quiet when he takes himself off to bed Confused

SchadenfreudePersonified · 16/05/2019 13:33

And I think PPs are missing the point - it’s not the fact that Ben isn’t staying over that’s rude, it’s the fact that he’s planning to stay over (and put OP to some trouble do so) unless he gets the better offer of a shag somewhere in which case he’s ditching them to get his leg over. Hard to see how that wouldn’t be considered rude really.

THIS

It's very bad-mannered.

If he wants to stay, he can kip on the floor.

TheFormidableMrsC · 16/05/2019 13:33

Pool unicorn sounds perfect! Grin

SchadenfreudePersonified · 16/05/2019 13:34

Don't soil the unicorn!

GarnierBBCream · 16/05/2019 13:38

I'd not put myself out of pocket for Ben. No air bed. He wants to stay he can kip on the floor.

OmarKhayyam · 16/05/2019 13:40

I think the issue is that your dh framed this is him leaving “for a shag”. If he’d said he’d got to sleep at home that night for literally any other reason, you wouldn’t have any beef with it.

TinselAndKnickers · 16/05/2019 13:43

Definitely do not buy the air bed - what a cheeky bastard!

IAmTheChosenOne · 16/05/2019 13:46

If he wishes to kip over he can bring his own airbed/sleeping bag .... you do not have to provide this.

Girlzroolz · 16/05/2019 13:46

Sounds like Ben’s new lifestyle will require him to buy a backpack air bed of his very own. Problem(s) solved. No one else need cater for him.

And be a bit careful that Mr Pants Man doesn’t return to your place with his shag, or order in more than just pizza while the game’s on.

He’s def lost perspective on how decent people live. His ‘new normal’ antics would be relegated far from my home. Dogs sleep outside at mine.

Ninkaninus · 16/05/2019 13:47

Please can you tell your DH to stop calling it a sleepover. It makes him sound like he’s 12.

And of course you shouldn’t buy a mattress just on the off chance his mate might decide to stay the night! That’s utterly ridiculous. WTF is wrong with the good old sleeping on the sofa option?

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 16/05/2019 13:48

A sleepover? Sounds like they're 8 years old.

I'd be delighted he wasn't staying over tbh so I don't have the hassle in the morning.

Let him do what he wants it's perfectly normal for friends to come over watch the football eat some food and then leave.
What Ben does after the football is his own business.

PregnantSea · 16/05/2019 13:49

Surprised to hear that Ben is in his late 30s. Sounded like you were describing a 21yr old.

Ben sounds like he's going through a midlife crisis/rough time and is hiding it by telling all his mates how great it is to be foot loose and able to shag around (despite the fact that some of these shags are presumably happening in his mum's spare room? Ew...). And you say he can't even afford the cost of an airbed right now? It all sounds very grim.

Ben is being a bit rude but I think given his situation I'd cut him some slack. His wife has left him, he's broke and he's living back with his mum. It doesn't sound much fun at all.

haloumi · 16/05/2019 13:49

Don't buy an airbed.

Everything else is really irrelevant …

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 16/05/2019 13:50

So Ben would like a sleepover unless he gets a better offer?

Rude as fuck.

SammySamSam09 · 16/05/2019 13:50

So he asked to sleep over which puts you out and causes extra costs.
Then he says he may or may not stay depending on if he gets a better offer Hmm
How are people not seeing that this is incredibly rude?? Confused

Summerorjustmaybe · 16/05/2019 13:50

Ben ibu to assume anyone would want to shag a drunken football fan.....

fedup21 · 16/05/2019 13:50

I wouldn’t buy an air bed you didn’t need on the off chance that he might not have someone else to be that night. He can sleep on the floor.

MustBeAWeasly · 16/05/2019 13:51

I'm still waiting on someone to comment on the unfortunate use of the word 'Hump'
shudders

Original poster
NCforthisone19 · 16/05/2019 13:51

Please can you tell your DH to stop calling it a sleepover. It makes him sound like he’s 12

Sorry, I don't tend to police what DH says.

WTF is wrong with the good old sleeping on the sofa option

We have one sofa. DH's friend will be sleeping on it.

I think you're right, Omar. If he had to leave to work/spot trains/dance naked in the rain, I'd have been less inclined to think it was rude. Perhaps weird, but not so much rude.

Girlz - he definitely wouldn't have the guts to do that! And I wouldn't let him back in if he did!

OP posts: