DP doesn't want anymore children. I'm not sure if I do or not.

[Giraffesarecool]

So after a horrible pregnancy and birth I was adamant we were just having the one. After a few drinks sometimes we'd be watching a film and I'll see siblings and I'd say awww we should have another. Jokingly. I've always said I wanted a big family, and come from one myself. DP from a tiny family and next to no relationship with only sibling. I've also said after DC1 that I would love another child just not the whole pregnancy birth thing, but still adamant I couldn't do it again.

Cue everyone seemingly going on to have their second and I'm starting to feel like I might want another. DP has DSS as well as DC1.

I said the other night, after visiting a friend's baby, that I feel that if we do want another that now would be the time due to not wanting to get a few years down the line and DC1 start school then having to start all over again in terms of SAHP.

DP seemed terrified, went into complete stress mode and basically said if it's something I really want then I need to have a good think and then he does too as he doesn't really want another but if it's going to cause resentment then he would do it.

That to me says he would do it but he doesn't want to. And we can't bring a child into the world in that way. The early months are so hard and I don't feel we'd cope well if DP hadn't really wanted another.

There's an age gap, 16 years. So whilst I have almost 20 childbearing years ahead of me, DP is approaching an age where I feel there'd be increased risk of problems. I'd also like us to be able to have a good few years together when DC have left home to enjoy ourselves together.

I feel unreasonably upset by this, as I'm not even sure I do want one. Life is good and happy, so why upset the apple cart? But I can't help thinking in a few years am I really going to regret not having another? Will I resent DP? I feel a bit as though he's got two, it's unfair. I feel a bit angry. But I also think I know that another isn't going to happen, and that's it for me now. I should be happy with my gorgeous lot and crack on enjoying what we have.

AIBU to feel like this? To feel upset that the possibility of another has gone?

That's a tough one, you must be quite young, he has 2 kids now and you only have one. I think if I really wanted another child I would have one with him if he said he would have another one with you

I think you need to think of the potential child in this situation - can you emotionally carry everything if your DP isn't keen? Do you want this child enough to emotionally cover for the fact both parents don't feel the aame? I would only have another child if I wanted it as much as my first (which was obsessively). I also don't think not wanting to drag the early stage out isn't such a great reason to crack on with having a second.

Just to note my father really wasn't too keen on having me and Ive had to have quite a lot of therapy to get over it. Regardless of how great your DP is I do feel a child will pick up on not being strongly wanted

I totally get feeling jealous of your DP having 2. I feel jealous of my sister who is having 2 and part of the reasons we could only have 2 is financial and part is horrific birth.

Also, you might feel resentful (I sometimes do) but I feel it's my job as the adult to work through those feelings not put them into the family I already have.

I think decision made really.

@Coffee675 that's really awesome advice, thank you. I feel DP would absolutely love any other children as much as the other two once they'd arrived. He's a fantastic father, I just wonder how we as a couple would cope if I forced that issue. You know during those sleep deprived early days. I'm so sorry about your father, that must be totally shit.

I like the idea of being the adult and not bringing that upon the children. It's stupid because I don't even know if I do want another.

@Hollowvictory agreed. If he's not up for it then it's a no go isn't it. I couldn't force him into having another. I guess I just need to crack on and cherish every single moment with DC1 who is growing up wayyyyy too quickly!

Every pregnancy is different, even worth it in the end.
I have 2 friends in similar situations, both near or just 40, both of their DH's refusing a 2nd child.
They say the trama is part of it, though neither DH were happy or ready for the changes a baby brought, they're thinking I am not starting that all over again.
I find both their DH's selfish, they agreed and worked on careers with a plan to start a family at 38.
Friend A is excepting, I think friend B will divorce.

Difficult one this. Your DP has made it clear to you that he definitely doesn't want another child. He couldn't be plainer.

However, he will give in to you and go against his own wishes if you really want one. I wouldn't want a partner to have another child with me when he really doesn't want to.

You question whether you will resent him if you don't have another. What about whether he will resent you if he gives in to you and has another child when he really doesn't want one?

You are a partnership and it should be a joint decision. Maybe it's too soon for him to contemplate another. After all, you were totally against another child not long ago. Maybe later he'll want another, maybe not.

If in doubt, do nowt!

I find both their DH's selfish,

Everyone, repeat, everyone, has the right to change their mind on whether they want more children. There's nothing selfish about saying, 'no, this is all I can cope with.'

My DP has 2 from previous relationship and we have a young baby (under 1), he categorically said no more as we are already stretched for time and energy and space however he did soften over the past few months as our baby has grown and said well maybe see where we are in a year / two.
Anyway turns out we aren’t waiting as I got a surprise last week and I am 6/7 weeks pregnant. Was not planned but we did not strictly avoid what was likely the back end of my fertile week.
After DP freaking out for a few hours we’ve come to the conclusion that yes it will be tough for a few years but longer term it will be absolutely lovely and we have got the family unit we both wanted eventually.
I think regardless of when you do it there will be challenges, if ultimately you feel your relationship is strong enough and you have enough love and resource to go around then you will manage the minor hurdles.
Short term tiredness and extortionate nursery fees will eventually lead to a settled family life???..... That’s the plan anyway!!!

Did he know you always wanted a bigger family, if he did, I would be pissed off, don't let him call all the shots either OP, I get it has be a joint decision, but you are the one who has to except his decision. You get one life, your life has the right to choose.

He isn’t selfish or unfair not to want another and you were on the same page yourself until fairly recently. You have changed your mind, not him. It’s unfair to expect him to suddenly change his too.

There’s no compromise here. Either you decide to be satisfied with the child you have or you leave him and find someone else to have another child with.

Hi Op. Looking at your posts, are you around early 20's and your DP fortyish? If so, I can understand his reluctance of having more children. My DCs are 20 and 21 and we are still having to financially support them as they at university. Your DP may be over 60 and still having to support number 3 if that was the case.
It must be hard for you though if you are young as I would understand you wanting another child.

It actually sounds to me as though neither of you have really given much serious thought to this. Your DH has just assumed you're done, and you haven't decided either way.

If it were me, I'd suggest that we both take some time to consider the possibility and then arrange a time when we could talk about it, listen to the other person, and then come to a decision together. His kneejerk response might not be the same as his considered response. You might decide that you don't want more children after all. But think and talk about it properly, so that resentment doesn't fester between you.

Oh wow @Grumpos congratulations that's fantastic news! This is my thought though, it will be crazy but it's for such a short time.

@EmeraldShamrock he did, but then after DC1 I was adamant about no more. I've been totally honest about starting to feel a bit broody etc. When DC1 was a few months old he basically said let's wait until they're 1 then have a conversation. Well DC1 has just turned 1 and we had the conversation. It feels a bit shit. But I can't make him want another, he's said he'll do it if I really want to. But that's not fair. It all just feels a bit weird and a hurdle I really was not expecting. I think the idea of double prams and two car seats and all that jazz freaks him out. Plus we've just gone on to cow's milk and DC1 has just started sleeping through so things are just starting to get easier.

@outvoid at no point did I call him selfish or unfair. He's totally within his rights. I said it feels unfair, and unreasonably so at that. Thanks.

@hellsbells99, I totally agree. He actually seemed to not understand my want for sooner rather than later for the fact of his age. I had to spell out that he would be 60ish when DC1 was independent enough for us to go travelling again etc.

@bridgetreilly we have spoken a few times but it's not been a serious talk, just airing our thoughts and coming to the conclusion we'd wait until DC1 is 1, which is now. I told him the other night I didn't need to have a serious think as I wasn't really sure either way and I didn't want to make a big decision right now, I was just letting him know I wasn't sure that I didn't want another now and that's where my head is at. I think I need to figure it out in my head first before I upset the apple cart and sit down and have a serious chat.

@gigglinghysterically that's exactly why I think this is a no go now. Because he would in time resent me for asking that of him. If we're both not totally up for the idea then it's a no go for me. I wouldn't want to do that to him. I am wondering whether to just say to him I'll let him know if I decide I really do/don't want another and him let me know if he decides he does. Then we can have another conversation if one of us changes our minds for whatever reason/I decide what I really want.

Whilst he does have a right to say no I think you also have a right to want one - ie the conversation stays open until you’re on the same page.

My mum wanted more but Dad was terrified for her after an awful birth with me. Mum said she couldn't put him through 9 months of him worrying himself sick about it.

Also for what it’s worth I know a couple where the man didn’t want any (how they didn’t discuss this before I don’t know) and only had one to save their marriage. Actually, he loves their son a lot although even now at school age the mum does the majority of the work (I think this was the unspoken compromise).
I initially thought this was an awful situation but the more I think about it, I think it’s probably more common than I assumed.

Nearly everyone thinks never again afterwards, Jez after my first I cried like baby taking a bath. My DP was apprehensive about number 2 for a few years, so much that there is a 6 year gap but they still fight love and have fun together.

It's not selfish to change your mind. I said to my husband after we got married that I would consider three children but after a traumatic birth from my first pregnancy, im done. That's not selfish.

it's confusing that you list the fact that your husband has one more child than you as being among the reasons you want another because he will always have one more child than you. Maybe he's happy with the two he's got. That's the risk you take when you're with someone who already has children.

My neighbour had children with his 1st wife, after their marriage broke down he told his new DP that he really didn't want any more children. The new DP was younger and seemed happy not to have any herself. However as her biological clock started to tick in her thirties she absolutely changed her mind and gave my neighbour an ultimatum, they have a family or she would find someone else.
They went on to have 2 children 1 after the other. Their relationship never recovered though and they split when the kids were young. If you decide to really push it onto your DP be aware you may end up having to go it alone.

Dc1 is only a year old, maybe if you both think on it for another year or 2 you'll end up on the same page. I have a 6 month old dd and currently don't want another, DH said he will give it 10 years before he gets a vasectomy in case I change my mind! He isn't bothered about having more but probably would if I really wanted to

A point I feel that has been overlooked is that you said you didn’t want anymore and he agreed with you. It doesn’t matter if ‘you always say no more after the first’ that’s not a given yes or even relatable.

You’ve just recently changed your mind. It seems quite quick considering you were adamant that you didn’t want anymore. Perhaps this worries him too? In the end, he doesn’t want anymore. I always think the partner that doesn’t want anymore children have the stronger argument because - no you don’t bring a child into the situation and it will cause massive resentment.

You need to have a real one to one with him and see if he would consider another child because he wanted one. Not because you want one. If the answer is yes or maybe you could give it fine, see how he fairs. If the answer is no you need to decide if it’s a deal breaker or not, you’re not unreasonable to want another child but he is also not unreasonable in not wanting one.