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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I can’t carry on night shifts without DHs support

42 replies

Driftingthoughlife · 15/05/2019 19:06

I started a job 7 months ago and work three 12 hour night shifts as a carer. It’s a private care arrangement so pays really well.

DH works 20 hours a week term time only. He was in a job he hated so we agreed he could take this one in a field he wants to go into. I would be the main breadwinner which I don’t mind and he would take on the majority of the housework.

I also have fibromyalgia so after a night shift We agreed that I would have a good 6-7 hours sleep. We also have a 6 year old DS.

Well it has not worked, the house is a tip and DH is being useless basicly.
This week for example I worked a 12 hour shift on Sunday night and then on Monday I was crippled with pain with my fibro so did not sleep well.

DH was home at lunchtime were he had a nap on the sofa then went to got DS from school. I was finally asleep when DS got in from school but he send DS up to get me, he then proceeded to lie on the sofa while I entertained DS, made tea and did bedtime.

I then went on another 12 hour shift.

Yesterday I did manage to sleep for only 3 hours as I had a hospital appointment. Again went DH came in at lunchtime he sat and did nothing and then sent DS to wake me up when he had got him from a school. Again I did tea and bedtime while DH went for a nap as he was tired!!!!
I then went on night shift number 3. Today I have slept for 4 hours and again DH came I. from work did nothing, sent DS to wake me.

We had an argument about all this. DH has gone off in a huff and I then had to walk DS 2 miles to his football training

It is like this every week and I am on my knees. The house is a mess. DH keeps saying he is run down and tired but still manages to run and cycle when he wants.

He also says I should do more around the house.

He has not always been like this but he is starting to get unbearable to live with. It I try and bring it up with him he goes in a huff or deflects it back onto me

OP posts:
HBStowe · 15/05/2019 19:09

Time for a short, sharp ultimatum. He steps up, or he starts working longer hours and you cut yours. He is being an absolute cocklodger.

thegreatcrestednewt · 15/05/2019 19:11

You work three 12 hour night shifts as a carer
DH works 20 hours a week term time only

And doesn't do any houseowkr or cleaning.

What a horrible lazy selfish fucker. Agree with the ultimatum. He's supposed to love you, but he's treating you like shit.

stucknoue · 15/05/2019 19:12

Suggest he goes full time and you employ a cleaner and childcare

humblesims · 15/05/2019 19:14

Time for a short, sharp ultimatum. He steps up, or he starts working longer hours and you cut yours. He is being an absolute cocklodger
This really

Livedandlearned · 15/05/2019 19:15

Was the job term time only so that he could look after your son in the school holidays or was it a coincidence?

KittiKat · 15/05/2019 19:16

Totally agree with stucknoue

user2928362 · 15/05/2019 19:16

Honestly he sounds depressed or ill if he's feeling worn out working 20 hours and doing no housework. Sounds like he needs to go to the doctors. If there is nothing medically wrong it is time for him to go back to work full time as he clearly isn't suited to managing the house.

Reallybadidea · 15/05/2019 19:21

Honestly he sounds depressed or ill if he's feeling worn out working 20 hours and doing no housework.

There seem to be a lot of men with depression then. Or perhaps he's just a lazy bastard. Even if he is depressed, that's not actually an excuse for leaving his wife to pick up all the slack.

HavelockVetinari · 15/05/2019 19:23

I call cocklodger. What a useless waste of space - you work full time whilst he does the bare minimum!

MumUndone · 15/05/2019 19:29

WTF, he is an arse.

Original poster
Driftingthoughlife · 15/05/2019 19:32

Everything is my fault. I was a bit cranky on Monday because I was in pain and all I got was “you have been fine all weekend”
He says I am really cheerful when we are out and about but tired and grumpy at home. This is because I am so tired.

To tell you the truth I want to leave but I have no savings, I could not carry on my job with no support as no one could have DS at night.

OP posts:
SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 15/05/2019 19:41

I have fibro too, and people really don’t get it do they! If I had a £1 for every time I heard ‘but you were fine yesterday’.......

Tell him- he either loses the attitude and does stuff around the house, or you are cutting your hours and he’ll have to find a job to up his hours.

AgentCooper · 15/05/2019 19:46

This is the biggest YANBU ever. You poor thing. I agree about the ultimatum- shit that you have to, but this can’t go on. You’re doing an amazing job but you shouldn’t have to be doing this much.

EleanorLavish · 15/05/2019 19:49

If you separated DS could stay with his dad while you work?
You'd have a house that you would be in charge of without him lazing around the place.

GarnierBBCream · 15/05/2019 19:50

Oh, but he has time for running and cycling, the latter of which is the top hobby choice of selfish cunts.

Yep, ultimatum. Buck up or get the fuck out.

Bookworm4 · 15/05/2019 19:52

Depressed my arse, lazy fuck but miraculously has the energy to go for a run??
Sending your DS to wake you up is just plain nasty and selfish. A nap after working a half day; poor wee soul. Can you look for daytime work and get DS into after school and kick this lazy fuck into touch?

GarnierBBCream · 15/05/2019 19:53

He can have DS at his on the nights you work.

LannieDuck · 15/05/2019 19:56

after a night shift We agreed that I would have a good 6-7 hours sleep

Ask him if he remembers this agreement. Then ask him to keep his end of it.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 15/05/2019 20:00

He’s a cocklodger and you’ve given him the opportunity to be an even bigger one by agreeing to this arrangement.

Tell him he either gets a ft job, which means you can get one with normal working hours, then leave the lazy twat!!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 15/05/2019 20:16

So you're ill, but only get 4 hours sleep a night while he gets a nap after s full nights sleep?

I'd be livid at being woken up after 4 hours sleep and that's without the other person sleeping as much as they want and doing nothing while you do everything

Why does he think that he deserves more rest than you when you're the one that works more and has a health condition?

I think you do need to leave or threaten to, even if you have to change jobs, as you cant go on like this

slipperywhensparticus · 15/05/2019 20:24

Change your job seriously it's not helping you and neither is he can you see it improve if you split up? Personally I can see him doing the same shit not looking after his son child due to "tiredness"

NoSquirrels · 15/05/2019 20:25

Family meeting time. Agree rules - if Mum has been on a night shift no waking her after school.

List of jobs to be done, allocated by time adults have available. You work 36 hours FT. He works 20 hours PT (pro rata it as if it’s across 52 weeks like yours.)

Agree a meal rota.

Give DS some jobs too, little ones, to make sure you all know that in this family you’re a team.

I’m sorry your DH is a prick.

BarbedBloom · 15/05/2019 20:28

I have rheumatoid arthritis and currently flaring and I do more than he does by the sound of it. He needs to step up really or I would be changing job and splitting from him. Could you say to your son that mummy is tired and send him back down to daddy?

IDontDrinkTea · 15/05/2019 20:32

I would put a lock on the inside of your bedroom door. Then if you’re sleeping you can lock yourself in and not get woken up by children. If you don’t go down, he would have to entertain the DC and do dinner etc

IDontLikeZombies · 15/05/2019 20:35

I have depression, I work full time, study part time, I run and I cycle and I still manage to do more than he does in the house. He's not being fair at all.

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