To think I can’t carry on night shifts without DHs support

[Driftingthoughlife]

I started a job 7 months ago and work three 12 hour night shifts as a carer. It’s a private care arrangement so pays really well.

DH works 20 hours a week term time only. He was in a job he hated so we agreed he could take this one in a field he wants to go into. I would be the main breadwinner which I don’t mind and he would take on the majority of the housework.

I also have fibromyalgia so after a night shift We agreed that I would have a good 6-7 hours sleep. We also have a 6 year old DS.

Well it has not worked, the house is a tip and DH is being useless basicly.
This week for example I worked a 12 hour shift on Sunday night and then on Monday I was crippled with pain with my fibro so did not sleep well.

DH was home at lunchtime were he had a nap on the sofa then went to got DS from school. I was finally asleep when DS got in from school but he send DS up to get me, he then proceeded to lie on the sofa while I entertained DS, made tea and did bedtime.

I then went on another 12 hour shift.

Yesterday I did manage to sleep for only 3 hours as I had a hospital appointment. Again went DH came in at lunchtime he sat and did nothing and then sent DS to wake me up when he had got him from a school. Again I did tea and bedtime while DH went for a nap as he was tired!!!!
I then went on night shift number 3. Today I have slept for 4 hours and again DH came I. from work did nothing, sent DS to wake me.

We had an argument about all this. DH has gone off in a huff and I then had to walk DS 2 miles to his football training

It is like this every week and I am on my knees. The house is a mess. DH keeps saying he is run down and tired but still manages to run and cycle when he wants.

He also says I should do more around the house.

He has not always been like this but he is starting to get unbearable to live with. It I try and bring it up with him he goes in a huff or deflects it back onto me

He is out of line completely. But looking at your health can you rest at work. I mean is it an elderly person that sleeps and you can rest or are you going all night?
Most people find shift work crucifying but with no support and a sickness it's going to be impossible. There's an element of cruelty in him sending ds up to you after school . Does your dm live nearby ? Could you go there to have your 7 hours uninterrupted. You shouldn't have to but you will collapse.
I'm afraid this is not going to work.

This is ridiculous. If you work nights you need to sleep all day just as if you work all day you would sleep all night. He sounds horrendous.

Cocklodger. He can mve out and have DS the three nights a week you work, OP.

What a vile example he's setting his son.

What times are you working op?

By after school time (3.30/4) surely you’ve been in bed for more than 3 or 4 hours?

Are you going to bed when you get in or staying up for hours first?

I'd split up and he can have DS the nights you work. I don't think you would miss him if this is how he is.

My shift finishes at 10 so once a get home and have something quick to eat it’s 11 before I am going to sleep.

I love my job I am really lucky I earn double what I was earning in my last job as it’s a private care set up. I support a women who is disabled by NHS negligence so they got a huge payout and wanted good experienced carers so pay us really well. I would have to work 60 hours a week in a normal care job to earn in what I am bringing in now.
I have tried to talk to him and he said I can’t talk to him without sound condescending and threw a shoe at a picture and it smashed. I am at my mums at the moment with DS as that is the last straw

He what?! Fuck his lazy arse. He can have your son on the nights you work. I'd split with him. He just wants to skive.

Your DH is being totally unacceptable.

Would it be possible for you to sleep at your Mum's after you've completed your night shifts for a couple of weeks? That way your H will have to step up. You can see your son off to school before you go to work, and come in after you've had a sleep at your mum's until say 6pm to say goodnight.

YANBU at all.

My DP works night shifts. I don't think people understand how hard they are (I'm looking at my PILs who think my DP is lazy when he's still in bed at midday on Saturday when he gets home at 5am).

I don't work so have it slightly easier than your DP but as an example of what should be happening, my DP gets home at 7am weekdays. He sleeps until 2 ish and then picks up DD with me, when he gets home he relaxes, plays with DD, watches tv etc and then takes a hour nap before dinner which I always cook. He leaves at 8.45pm sometimes 6.45pm if doing overtime and I then do bedtime. I do all the housework during the week. This is the what your DP should be doing for you.

Can you get an ofsred registered nanny? One that can do nights and unsociable hours? You could potentially claim back up to 70% if the nanny costs if you dump your lazy ‘d’h.

Sounds like your marriage is over...

He does not give a fuck about you

He only cares about himself and now he has shown he will be violent to get what he wants.

This time it’s a photo frame. Next time it could be you

he said I can’t talk to him without sound condescending and threw a shoe at a picture and it smashed

I'm really sorry, OP. It does sound like you need to split up.
Hope you're OK

Sounds like you need to leave.

Your DH can have DS overnight at his place when you do your night shifts.

Btw, my DH often has to work night shifts. When he does I pack him some food to take in, I make the food and I'll wash his scrubs through the week whilst he's sleeping so he doesn't run out. I also keep the house clean.

I wouldn't dream of waking him up so soon after a night shift. That's sheer cruelty. I'm shocked at how lazy and nasty your DH is.

Perhaps he should try running on the amount sleep you have been getting and see if he still sounds chipper? Honestly he’s being a cunt. I say this because sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Brushing your teeth because a marathon if you haven’t had enough sleep, you can’t continue like this.

You’re letting him away with sending your DS up to wake you while he gets to nap? No, ma’am, that’s completely out of order. You tell him to step up or get longer hours if he values your health and relationship.

Can you leave and move in with your mum with DS temporarily? - would your mum be able to be there overnight?

Yes you need to ditch him!

He's just one step above a cocklodger.

Selfish manchild. It doesn't sound like he offers any support other than being a warm body at home overnight while you work.