Mumsnet Logo
My feed

to access all these features


to want my ds not to have his birthday taken over

50 replies

Lawrene8 · 19/07/2007 11:09

My ds is 1 on Sat and we've organised a party. His cousin will be 11 on the Mon and I checked with his Mum first that she didn't have anything planned for the Sat. Now the MIL tells me that she's bought a cake for the cousin and wants to sort of make it a joint thing. I really feel this is taking the piss - it's his 1st birthday and it's our 1st child so a first for us as well. I just can't see why if they want a party for 11 yr old - then why not arrange one instead of crashing mine - anyone else think this is not on or am I overreacting?

OP posts:

NeverTickleASleepingSoupDragon · 19/07/2007 11:11

No, you're not over reacting because he's your Precious First Born and you should be indulged At the very least, your SIL (?) should have checked with you whether it would be OK to bring a cake for her DS.


OhNo40 · 19/07/2007 11:13

Tell her no now. Presumably their birthdays will always be two days apart and you don't want to set a precedent, especially with the first.


ConnorTraceptive · 19/07/2007 11:13

we have a similar situation with ds and his cousin, always do a seperate thing for each of them but more for the benefit of the older one really i mean what kid that age wants to share a b/day party with a toddler?

would just say though that 1st b/days are highly overated and if it's just a case of having two cakes then i wouldn't worry too much.


heifer · 19/07/2007 11:17

YANBU - set the boundries all this could well happen every year!

Although 1st birthdays aren't very exciting for anyone other than the parents (although I didn't realise this at the time myself)...
still think you should think of the future..

Was it Mother in law bring cake or sil?


ConnorTraceptive · 19/07/2007 11:17

Also it could be worse am pregant with number two and the due date is MIL birthday aaaarrrrrghhhhhhhhhhh!


Lawrene8 · 19/07/2007 11:24

It is both MIL and SIL. MIL sugested it 2 wks ago and DH said nicely that we'd just like it to be DS day as it is the first birthday and she said OK. But yesterday SIL rang DH and put him on the spot - and did it in front of her kids- and he felt he could not say No. I'm really annoyed and thinking of calling SIL and explaining that no-one crashed her DS1 first birthday as well as the fact that my birthday is the same day as her DS2 and I've never crashed his party and brought my own cake!!!

OP posts:

ConnorTraceptive · 19/07/2007 11:25

well if you've already said no then that's quite rude of both of them. Is you sil not doing anything for her son though?


DangerousBeans · 19/07/2007 11:26

I think you a being a little churlish and unreasonable.

If your child was older, and he realised what was going on, then perhaps I could understand your annoyance.

But at one, it really will all be a blur to him.

And isn't it just a case of there being an extra cake, and perhaps an extra round of the birthday song?

It sounds like the cake suggestion is something that your MIL has done to enable her to make a fuss of both her grandchildren.

It's not like there will be twenty 11-year olds invading your house!

I would be very careful about complaining about this to your MIL or SIL - is it really worth causing an argument over?

Your nephew is just a child too - and it will be fun to celebrate both birthdays.

I hope you all have a nice day.


maisemor · 19/07/2007 11:27

Whether the one year old realises what is going on or not, then it is baby's day and not the cousin's day.

I think you should phone up and tell whoever (sorry not sure whether it is mil or sil) is bringing the cake that it is a no no.

It does not matter how close together the birthdays are. You are not having the party on the cousin's actual birthday so it is completely out of the question that the cousin should even be mentioned in this regard.

If his parents wants to celebrate him then they invite everyone over to their place and put on a spread.


Fireflyfairy2 · 19/07/2007 11:27

You say the other fella is 11?

Well, it's just a cake... it's not as if they want you to get one baked with both names on it, is it?

I'd let them have the cake Let's face it, next year he might not even want a cake at 12!!

It's only a cake.. not a joint party

Is it at your house?


Lawrene8 · 19/07/2007 11:28

SIL will be on holiday on Mon for her DS1 birthday and MIL is making a big thing of I won't see him on his birhday so that's why you've got to let them have a joint thing. OK she won't see him on the day but it was her daughter that booked the bloody holiday!

OP posts:

Lawrene8 · 19/07/2007 11:30

Yes it's a my house and that's what's getting on my nerves - cos I just know then the next thing will be - we've invited some other people/cousin's friends as it's a joint thing so I'll end up catering for people I don't really know and don't want.

OP posts:

DangerousBeans · 19/07/2007 11:31

Well, if you make a big issue out of it, the likelihood is that there will be an unpleasant atmosphere at the party.
And that would upset me more than having an extra cake for my nephew.


lizziemun · 19/07/2007 11:33


It sounds like she (SIL) is getting out of doing a party for her daughter. I take it you will be doing food for everyone so the expensense (sp) is all yours. If she insists then i think she should pay half of all the food costs and cooking.

Speaking from personnel experience my dd was born 3 days before her cousins birthday (7 years older) and we have never shared a birthday party. On the other hand DH and FIL share the same birthday and he has always had to share his birthday with his dad. It not so bad now that he is an adult they tend to go to silverstone for the weekend (grand prix normally on).


ConnorTraceptive · 19/07/2007 11:33

oh god i keep changing my mind about this one!! sorry but didn't know all the facts.

Right my final opinion:

If you MIL isn't going to get to see her gs on his b/day then actually I think are being a little bit precious about it all. Yes your sil did choose to book the holiday but that is not the boys fault and it's a bit sad if you are going to begrudge him a little bit of fuss.

Right that's it no more opinion changing


Fireflyfairy2 · 19/07/2007 11:34

No, that won't happen.

I think you're over reacting a wee bit, as you're entitled to I suppose

It's only a cake.. the cousin is still a child himself really... I honestly don't see what the problem is.

I come from a large family & there are 18 children belonging to all my sisters & brothers. It's inevitable with so many children that some of them share birthdays. There are 4 in December... one was 3, one was 6 & the other two were 40!! We had a ball! In January again, there were 3 birthday's.. 12, 4 & 22!!

I think you should let them bring the cake, it really is nothing in the grand scheme of things. It's not as if they want you to have a joint party at a joint venue.. they are merely suggesting they bring their ds a cake as it will be near his b'day too


heifer · 19/07/2007 11:35

But to me it shows a bigger issue that MIL and SIL just don't get why it is important to the parents... and there could well be problems later if not sorted out now..

One of my sil would be like this - just not thinking, and it does cause problems...

I think if party in my house I get to make the rules whomever it upsets..

I know that it doesn't matter to the 1 yr old, but what about then he is 5 and MIL and SIL still getting a cake for cousin????

And anyway - even if they never do it again the 1st birthday of the 1st baby is very special to the parents and there wishes should be adhered to..


lizziemun · 19/07/2007 11:35

Sorry should put son and not daughter


DangerousBeans · 19/07/2007 11:38

I agree with your point about respecting the parent's wishes, heif.

I just don't think that having a cake for another child at the party is a big enough deal to cause a family argument over, and cause a horrible atmosphere at the party.

I suppose what I'm saying is, pick your battles.

If they were inviting lots of their friends to come too, that would be out of order.

But from the way I've read this thread, the GPs, SIL, BIL and nephew would be going to the party anyway, but they're just bringing a cake to mark the birthday of an 11 year old child, who won't see his family on his actual birthday.

Maybe I've misinterpreted it though?


Fireflyfairy2 · 19/07/2007 11:38

Does your SIL/her son see your ds often?

Perhaps they are close? I know that's the case in my family. My sisters son who is 13 is absolutely mad about my 2year old!! He would love it if his birthday was near ds's so they could share a party!!!

When my ds was 1 he had a joint party.. doesn't mean it wasn't as special to me though


mazzystar · 19/07/2007 11:42

if granny is saying can i bring a cake for cousing and sing happy birthday - no problem. family dos possibly quite dull for 11 year old

if granny and s-i-l saying we're inviting loads of peoplr round to yours and having a joint party - downright rude and inconsiderate.

i would ring s-i-l


Lawrene8 · 19/07/2007 11:43

Thanks for all the advice - I know you're right about picking the battles and all that - I guess it's just they've always wanted to take over since he was born - probably should have said this when I started-MIL has got a thing about her daughter's children and we all have to bend over backwards to accommodate every whim no matter if it puts the rest of us out. They were the same when he was born - you know that in the hospital no kids are allowed (unless they were my older kilds) well MIL brought them and MW said not allowed in. Young cousin threw a tantrum, MIL had a go at nurses and demanded that these 3 kids had the right to see their new cousin - I was really embarassed. So I guess that I'm trying to nip it in the bud sort of thing?

OP posts:

ConnorTraceptive · 19/07/2007 11:45

but heifer when her ds is 5 her nephew will be 16 and out getting on with a girl on his b/day!


mylittlestar · 19/07/2007 11:45

My ds shares a birthday with his aunty

I made his first birthday a 'joint' party in our house and got them both a cake

The house was fully decorated for a 1st birthday, balloons and banners, all kiddy things and kiddy food. And looking back at the photos it's all about ds.

But on the day, aunty had a cake too, and a badge saying 'birthday girl' - and that way, everyone was happy.

I don't think the joint party thing is the issue here to be honest. It's your MIL's lack of thought and respect for you, in assuming that it is ok to have a joint party. I would make it clear to MIL that you think she is in the wrong and should have asked you before making such a big assumption. Otherwise you will set a precident for the future.
But I'd let them both celebrate together if I were you - making it clear to MIL that it's your choice to do so!


maisemor · 19/07/2007 11:47

Is it not the point though that they have not asked if it is okay, MIL have just told Lawrene8 that mil/sil is bringing a cake so they can also celebrate the cousin.

Lawrene8 had the decency of asking if the Saturday would be okay for everyone to celebrate HER son's birthday.

Sorry I really need to know who is wanting to bring that cake.

If mil is bringing the cake because 11 year old grandchild is going away on holiday and she want get to see grandchild on birthday itself, then mil can invite grandchild over to her house so they can celebrate.

If sil is bringing cake, then I would say she should organise her own child's birthday party and not impose on somebody else's, just because they are family. Especially if she does not even have the courtesy of asking before hand if you can do a joint thing and offering to pay for some of it.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?