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to want my ds not to have his birthday taken over

50 replies

Lawrene8 · 19/07/2007 11:09

My ds is 1 on Sat and we've organised a party. His cousin will be 11 on the Mon and I checked with his Mum first that she didn't have anything planned for the Sat. Now the MIL tells me that she's bought a cake for the cousin and wants to sort of make it a joint thing. I really feel this is taking the piss - it's his 1st birthday and it's our 1st child so a first for us as well. I just can't see why if they want a party for 11 yr old - then why not arrange one instead of crashing mine - anyone else think this is not on or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Fireflyfairy2 · 19/07/2007 11:48

But it's not a joint party, is it?

They simply want to bring their own cake

It sounds to me like you don't even want them there, so if you're wanting to start a row you're probably going the right way about it unfortunately

It could be a lovely day though

heifer · 19/07/2007 11:49

Lawrene8 - I think I read that there was more to what you had written, so totally understand where you are coming from..

although I could have read to much and just tranferred my problems into your story etc!

Whatever you decide - get it sorted quickly so you can relax and just enjoy the day..

DangerousBeans · 19/07/2007 11:49

Ah, you have one of those MILs!

Me too!

Just try to be relaxed and charming and welcoming on Saturday.

Don't let them get to you.

Chant the mantra "it's only a cake, I'm not getting stressed" in your head when they all arrrive.

(I also suggest you make a couple of voodoo dolls the night before, and have half a bottle of vodka for breakfast on Saturday! )

ChudleyMintonCanons · 19/07/2007 11:49

YABU - Do you really begrudge your nephew the opportunity to have his family sing Happy Birthday to him?

Lawrene8 · 19/07/2007 11:51

I guess it's MIL and SIL bringing the cake. Mil asked and DH said no so she told SIL to ring him herself and when she asked in front of her kids he couldn't say no. Feel really pissed off that MIL is being manipulative because she didn't get her own way the 1st time she's now tried again with DH's sister asking him.

OP posts:
maisemor · 19/07/2007 11:52

I personally don't think I would mind the whole joint thing. I strongly object to the whole attitude though that Lawrene8 has been told that a cake will be brought, she has not been asked if it is okay.

ChudleyMintonCanons · 19/07/2007 11:53

Please forget the adult politics and concentrate on making it a lovely day for both of the children involved. Seriously, don't let it spoil your DS's big day

heifer · 19/07/2007 11:55

If it was only about the cake then I would think differently and of course wouldn't worry about it - but the chances are it isn't just about the cake.. there have been other things happen, and will probably be other things happening int he future if not put a stop to now!..

I wish I had when I had the chance! but didn't want to offend anyone - now years later having the same sort of issues!..

The fact that lawrene8 is unhappy about it to means that she should do something about it..

Although - have to say that after reading some of your posts, I now reaslie that it wouldn't be the end of the world if cousin had cake etc, and it doesn't have to ruin the party for all, but just when is the right time to stick up for yourself when not happy with something (cause I never have and it has bugged me for years)....

mylittlestar · 19/07/2007 11:58

Ah after reading your last post:

"I guess it's MIL and SIL bringing the cake. Mil asked and DH said no so she told SIL to ring him herself and when she asked in front of her kids he couldn't say no. Feel really pissed off that MIL is being manipulative because she didn't get her own way the 1st time she's now tried again with DH's sister asking him. "

I've changed my mind. How manipulative! Tell them you can all celebrate the cousin's birthday on the Sunday, or when they get back from holiday, as you specifically checked it was ok to have a party for your ds on the Saturday and they agreed to it!
I would have to put my foot down in that case. That sort of behaviour really annoys me!

mylittlestar · 19/07/2007 11:58

agree with heifer's last post

ConnorTraceptive · 19/07/2007 11:59

i agree heifer that you shouldn't be manioulated into doing things but still can't think that at the end of the day tis more about the kids and not begrudging an 11 year a cake

Lawrene8 · 19/07/2007 12:02

Heifer - you are so right. It's hard to know when to put your foot down because it's always lots of little things and you let it go for family harmony and your sanity - until one day you realise that they're sort of running your life and you wish you said something the first time!! It's the same here - lots of little things since DS was born - his baptism for example made a big fuss about that MIL and SIL kids wanted to be centre of attention oh and the best one when the MW came round to check on DS about 5 days after he was born as he has jaundice MIL sent ME out to make the tea while she discussed it with MW - could have hit her then (but didn't say anything) and it still winds me up thinking about it.

OP posts:
ConnorTraceptive · 19/07/2007 12:04

clearly this about more than cake

Fireflyfairy2 · 19/07/2007 12:08

See... I would have nipped it in the bud when MIL thought she could send you out of room to make tea. Tell me.... did you go?

mylittlestar · 19/07/2007 12:10

MIL sent you out while she spoke to the MW!

Clearly you need to make a stand over her manipulation now. Or I do think you'll always regret it like heifer says

Lawrene8 · 19/07/2007 12:10

Yes I did go - feel really stupid looking back on it but had only had DS 5 days before and the builders were here and then MIL turned up and then when MW turned up MIL took over. Really wish that I'd told her where to go then but I didn't and think it made her worse.

OP posts:
heifer · 19/07/2007 12:14

there is often much more to a post than you first read..

The only thing starting to bug me is that if you do stand up to MIL/SIL combination this time, it could be the cousin that suffers...

Oh hell I am backing down now!..

I think I would say to MIL/SIL look, I know this sounds a bit silly but this is DS first birthday and is really special to us, could you try to not let cousins birthday take over the day and get the cake out at the end..

See I now feel guilty, so can see how come I never managed to stand up to anyone before!...

Lawrene8 · 19/07/2007 12:19

Heifer - we sound similar - I can never bear to say something that will make someone else upset even if I know they deserve it. Your suggestion about the end of the day sounds good - maybe we can have that as a compromise.

OP posts:
heifer · 19/07/2007 12:25

there you go, compromise that is what it's all about.....

So why doesn't it work both ways and people like us always do the compromising and people like MIL/SIL never do...

I would definately go with the cake at the end and try to forget about the rest..

Hope you have a fab day...

electra · 19/07/2007 12:37

You do sound a little precious but, hey - it's your house. The PFB thing is something that happens to us all

electra · 19/07/2007 12:37

Sorry - I see the thread has moved on

meandmyflyingmachine · 19/07/2007 12:42

I think if you have two cousins with birthdays two days apart then you are going to have to get used to joint family parties. It is unreasonable to expect a child not to have his imminent birthday acknowledged at a family gathering two days before. when he knows he won't be having his own party.

Not to say your MIL doesn't have issues, but I think you are being a tad unreasonable,as are we all with our PFBs ofcourse...

meandmyflyingmachine · 19/07/2007 12:43

Oh OK. Compromise. In that case YANBU

bellaprincess · 19/07/2007 12:44

I had a similar situation when my DD1 was one. Her cousin's birthday is a week later and since we were not seeing him for it I decided to buy a cake as well. My DD1 got all of the attention (to be honest I think your son will too - a first birthday is very special) and we sung happy birthday and blew out candles for DD first and then for my nephew. You could see he was very chuffed.
Hope you can sort it out with MIL and that your son has a wonderful birthday.

maisemor · 19/07/2007 14:23

You might have to "compromise" on this one, considering that your husband has said yes to it.

I would however make really sure that this is the last time this kind of thing happens, and that your husband agrees with you. If somebody is manipulative enough to ask in front of the child/ren involved then you will simply have to say that we can talk about this later just the adults.

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