Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate someone?

51 replies

Bere111 · 15/05/2019 13:21

I’ve posted on here previously about this, but nearly a year on I’m in the same boat and can’t believe I’m not ‘getting over it’.

Basically I hate my sister in law.

I won’t go over the full history; but my main reasons for hating her;

She’s a compulsive liar, I’ve caught her out several times. She lies about everything from what she did last weekend to her job (told family she had big promotion- I work in same field -both nhs- she actually took a pay cut and lower grade job due to performance issues). I’ve caught her lying about other family members to my in laws to score brownie points.

We’ve both had babies within 3 months of each other, and her constantly acting like she’s the first women to have a newborn is driving me nuts. I’ve had my third child but she is constantly offering me advice, or telling me how awful sleep deprivation is etc.

My in laws (also her in laws) idolise her and can see no wrong, even when they are quite critical of me and other SIL and BIL etc.

Generally, we have very different personalities. She is an only child and I think lacks basic communication skills. Face to face she is quite curt.

She has a very ‘try hard’ personality, but to me it comes across as really fake. When she text me if will be an essay, literally 5 or 6 paragraphs. Yet as I said face to face she is quite curt and shuts down conversation.

I know I come across as a bitch, I’m trying to make the best of it but don’t see a way forward- I can’t stand her, I’m sure she feels the same but is more of a game player then me and probably puts up a better front.

Am I better to just accept it and keep a distance (as I’m doing) or should I try and get over it? If so, how do you do that?

Has anyone genuinely has zero tolerance for someone and then turned that round??

OP posts:
fc301 · 15/05/2019 13:28

She sounds fairly unpleasant.

If you 'hate' her and have done for a year then you need to insert boundaries and have A LOT less contact. (If you don't do this then inevitably it will blow up in your face & affect your relations with other family members).

Then begin to come to terms with it. If you struggle with that you might try a few sessions of counselling to discover which of your buttons she is pressing. As obviously you cannot change her, only how you respond.

Of course I'm not inferring any of this is easy. Good luck 💐

IvanaPee · 15/05/2019 13:30

I can’t see what she’s done that’s terrible.

You sound jealous that in-laws like her.

Just don’t spend much time with her. Problem solved.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2019 13:34

It seems to me you are wasting a lot of emotional energy on someone you could simply cut out of your life, if not completely then mostly. Why text her? Why respond? What does her being an only child have to do with anything? Why do you care if she lies when those lies don't impact you?

I'll be honest, it seems who think quite obsessively about someone you claim to hate and are keeping your distance from. I think there's far more to this than you admit to yourself. An undercurrent of jealousy perhaps?

Hecateh · 15/05/2019 13:42

Hating her is hurting you!

You are reasonable to not like her and avoid her company as far as possible - anything more than that is you giving her power to hurt you.

Indifference is what you should strive for.

Not saying 'whatever' aloud, which is very childish and passive aggressive but just have that thought whenever she says or does anything that bothers you and whenever you think about her.

Don't get drawn into conversations about her either. If, for example, someone tells you that x does it this way, or told me ... . The response is 'oh does/did she?' Imaging the word 'whatever' in your brain and go on to talk about something else or remove yourself from the situation.

Hate is a very strong emotion. The opposite of loving or even liking is indifference. You don't like her then don't spend any emotion on her.

BelulahBlanca · 15/05/2019 13:46

Maybe she just wants some solidarity about sleep deprivation and is making conversation about you both having kids. Maybe she was embarrassed about being demoted?

DreamsOfDownUnder · 15/05/2019 13:49

@IvanaPee be a compulsive liar?

SwiftAnchor · 15/05/2019 13:50

Do adult only children suffer with communication issues? I certainly don't neither does my adult DD. What a strange thing to think?!

Original poster
Bere111 · 15/05/2019 13:58

@swiftanchor
No, sorry this wasn’t meant in that way! I just wonder whether - as family members - our communication styles are different because I’ve come from a large family, she is an only child.
For example, at a family gathering I’m used to doing the rounds with my siblings, catching up, light conversation. But these kind of gatherings seem to make her feel quite defensive, she skips to pretty heavy weight conversation or closes up.
Others have suggested this maybe because this is newer territory for her, and she may feel she’s being scrutinised. She is an only child but also doesn’t have an extended family, no cousins she’s in contact with etc.
For example, I’ll say ‘how is work?’ She’ll respond with either a one word answer or 20 min monologue.

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 15/05/2019 14:02

She may be very insecure.

I think it would be best if you just try to see her as little as possible, but if you do decide to try and get over your hatred then I think the way to go is to try and understand her.

Original poster
Bere111 · 15/05/2019 14:05

I also think she is insecure and maybe I make her feel more insecure, which makes her behave differently.
Maybe I do need counselling on this!
Doesn’t help that I don’t feel I can talk to friends and my family about this- as I k ow I sound like a cow.

OP posts:
NoBaggyPants · 15/05/2019 14:08

Why do you think you make her feel insecure? Perhaps if you were a little kinder that might help her relax.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 15/05/2019 14:12

In the nicest way what has she actually done to you? So she makes her job seem better than it is and she's a bit PFB about her first child (as are most of us..) and she lies to make people like her more. She just seems insecure to me and I don't see how any of the above actually had an impact on you? Your very fixated on her and that's s little odd.

Witchofzog · 15/05/2019 14:12

She doesn't sound like she deserves hatred to be honest. As someone else said she actually sounds insecure. Also some people communicate better in writing than face to face. I think the fact that you say you hate her actually says more about you than her tbh

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 15/05/2019 14:12

*you're

MadameJimJam · 15/05/2019 14:14

I would keep your distance and detach from her as far as possible.

Push her out of your mind whenever you find yourself brooding about her and think about someone you like instead. Giving her headspace will only give you negative emotions and that is harming you, not her.

Whether or not she really is an evil cowbag, the reality is that you don't get on with her and the less contact you have the better for everyone.

MadameJimJam · 15/05/2019 14:16

And yes, maybe think about counselling if it's bothering you a lot.

Chocmallows · 15/05/2019 14:16

I think she can sense your hatred and knows she cannot win. If she's quick you think curt, if she speaks for longer it's too long.

Let her be her and you focus on you!

Decormad38 · 15/05/2019 14:18

You also sound unpleasant- perhaps you clash. It seems as though you have a competition going! Chill a bit.

Original poster
Bere111 · 15/05/2019 14:33

Yeah I need to just not give it time, and when we are together just try my best.
She’s a big social media user, and I feel that draws me in as she posts irritating things- if I unfollowed her I’d avoid seeing that though so that’s within my control.
She’s the sort of person that posts mysterious quotes on Facebook most days so everyone comments ‘you ok?’ ‘Stay strong hun’ etc, and no one else has a clue what’s she on about.
But another person could interpret that as her looking for support etc, I guess people do that in different ways.

OP posts:
BuzzShitbagBobbly · 15/05/2019 14:39

She sounds incredibly insecure.

I know someone a bit like this with the constant (and pointless) lying about everything; and the almost competitive attitude.

It's very very tiresome and annoying, I agree.
I have given up trying to understand it and now have to let it wash over me as they will never change, even if I dedicated my entire life challenging their fibs and nonsense.

Rather than hate, can you turn it into grey rock? Just mm-hmm and OK your way through any interactions?

BelulahBlanca · 15/05/2019 14:42

If she’s not a confident socialiser she might use FB to express herself. There is an option to see less of her posts without unfriending her.

I don’t think it seems like you hate her- I think you are a bit fed up with her but you seem concerned for her and also willing to give the relationship a try.

IAmTheChosenOne · 15/05/2019 14:43

You sound very insecure. I cant see anything there to 'hate' about her, other than she's nicer and more popular than you.

no ones ever going to brag about a demotion - which I doubt TBH - the NHS takes years to deal with competency and non performance issues.

hazell42 · 15/05/2019 14:49

My brother tells lies. Always has. Dont know why. All the family know he exaggerates. He is a bit of a joke, but I have never been so unkind as to tell him nor have I lost sleep over it.
Seriously, why do you care

Babes222 · 15/05/2019 14:54

I don't know ... you sound pretty mean/judgemental/jealous. Not sure what the point is here??

Drum2018 · 15/05/2019 14:55

Unfollow her on fb now - one issue solved. Of course you can hate her. I hate my sil but don't think too much about her after all the shit she caused - easy as we are NC. Keep your distance. If she gives you baby advice remind her that you've been there, done that twice already. Don't respond to texts if you dont want to engage with her. Don't even read them if you don't want to.