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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to hate someone?

51 replies

Bere111 · 15/05/2019 13:21

I’ve posted on here previously about this, but nearly a year on I’m in the same boat and can’t believe I’m not ‘getting over it’.

Basically I hate my sister in law.

I won’t go over the full history; but my main reasons for hating her;

She’s a compulsive liar, I’ve caught her out several times. She lies about everything from what she did last weekend to her job (told family she had big promotion- I work in same field -both nhs- she actually took a pay cut and lower grade job due to performance issues). I’ve caught her lying about other family members to my in laws to score brownie points.

We’ve both had babies within 3 months of each other, and her constantly acting like she’s the first women to have a newborn is driving me nuts. I’ve had my third child but she is constantly offering me advice, or telling me how awful sleep deprivation is etc.

My in laws (also her in laws) idolise her and can see no wrong, even when they are quite critical of me and other SIL and BIL etc.

Generally, we have very different personalities. She is an only child and I think lacks basic communication skills. Face to face she is quite curt.

She has a very ‘try hard’ personality, but to me it comes across as really fake. When she text me if will be an essay, literally 5 or 6 paragraphs. Yet as I said face to face she is quite curt and shuts down conversation.

I know I come across as a bitch, I’m trying to make the best of it but don’t see a way forward- I can’t stand her, I’m sure she feels the same but is more of a game player then me and probably puts up a better front.

Am I better to just accept it and keep a distance (as I’m doing) or should I try and get over it? If so, how do you do that?

Has anyone genuinely has zero tolerance for someone and then turned that round??

OP posts:

BettysLeftTentacle · 15/05/2019 14:58

Honestly OP? She’s sounds anxious and insecure. You on the other hand, sound jealous and insecure. ‘Hate’ is a strong word. Real hate is not being able to piss on someone if they were on fire. If you really hate her based on what you’ve written here, you have big problems.

She also probably knows you don’t like her.

TheFaerieQueene · 15/05/2019 14:59

Why do you care? It really doesn’t need to be this difficult. Just stop thinking about her.

MarthasGinYard · 15/05/2019 15:04

You sound overly invested with your thoughts toward her. You seem to analyse and critique everything she does.

'Hates' a very strong word. Just leave her to it. Pleasantries, you don't have to be friends.

You do sound slightly jealous TBH

specterlitt · 15/05/2019 15:05

It seems she does nothing particularly to you, you're just being annoyed by her. Stop concerning yourself with her so much, it almost does seem you are a little jealous of her relationship with your in-laws. Unfollow her on all social media and just be civil face to face. Harbouring hatred for someone who actually has not done anything horrible to you is ridiculous.

Are you the poster who has posted about her before and said she was a princess and how the mother in law was up her arsehole (there was a lot of mention of arsehole). That poster also seemed very jealous of the sister in law's relationship with her in laws. Apologies if you're not.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/05/2019 15:06

What is it your in-laws like about her?

NoSauce · 15/05/2019 15:11

If your in-laws love her then you will appear to be the bad guy if you ever bring any of your grievances up with her. For your own sanity try and find a way of dealing with her if you can, even if that means cooling off with seeing/texting her etc. She does sound a bit full of her self tbf OP and it’s hard when we are supposed to get on with people in our family, even the ones we’re not related to by blood.

nokidshere · 15/05/2019 15:14

You cannot control or change the way other people behave, only the way in which you react to it. Hate is a wasted, all consuming emotion so you need to look at your own actions in order to make changes for the better.

DovePetal · 15/05/2019 15:17

You sound a bit ‘mean girls’ OP, not pleasant.

necesitodormirahora · 15/05/2019 15:19

If ur in laws like her then unfortunately it must be you. She can’t fool everyone!

When she complains about sleep deprivation, perhaps she just wants someone to talk to. It’s hard to say because I don’t know her or you but Hate is such a strong emotion!

MadameJimJam · 15/05/2019 15:21

I think the OP is in a difficult situation here and some posters are really giving her an unnecessarily hard time.

The OP is already fully aware of the need to manage her feelings towards her SIL. That is literally what she came on here asking for advice about.

Managing your feelings towards a difficult person isn't an easy matter, particularly when they're part of the family and hard to avoid. I've been there.

I may be projecting here, but one possibility is that the OP's SIL dislikes the OP intensely, feels insecure and inadequate, and feels that the two of them are in some kind of competition. They are in parallel situations in many ways: they are SILs, work in the same field, had babies at almost the same time... this kind of thing can drive an insecure and competitive person really, really nuts, particularly when they suspect the other person really is more competent and confident than they are (e.g. doesn't get demoted for incompetence).

So the OP's SIL is falling over herself to show off and put up a front. She is desperate to be Top DIL to her PIL, and Top Person to everyone else she comes into contact with. Everything she does in relation to the OP will have an edge to it. Under the surface, there will be enormous secret hostility and aggression towards the OP, and that is what the OP is picking up on. That's enough to make anyone uncomfortable. It's not unnatural to be worried and disturbed by a person who really hates you, is underhanded about it, and habitually tells lies.

This is just an idea.

Original poster

Bere111 · 15/05/2019 15:21

@iamthechosenone

She didn’t qualify at the end of a 2 year nursing course- so either opted or was asked to return role in a different area (non-patient facing), this would be less money and not usual career path for nurse.
But she has told family she was offered promotion to be clinical technician.
Maybe it was her choice- but most likely she didn’t pass finals and has been redeployed. We work at same hospital so it seems to tell a pretty big lie when I’m at the dinner table like knowing it couldn’t possibly of gone that way.

OP posts:

Osirus · 15/05/2019 15:24

No, sorry this wasn’t meant in that way! I just wonder whether - as family members - our communication styles are different because I’ve come from a large family, she is an only child.
For example, at a family gathering I’m used to doing the rounds with my siblings, catching up, light conversation. But these kind of gatherings seem to make her feel quite defensive, she skips to pretty heavy weight conversation or closes up.
Others have suggested this maybe because this is newer territory for her, and she may feel she’s being scrutinised. She is an only child but also doesn’t have an extended family, no cousins she’s in contact with etc.
For example, I’ll say ‘how is work?’ She’ll respond with either a one word answer or 20 min monologue.

I can be exactly like this. I really dislike being in large groups, even my own family. And I am one of 11 children.

Leftielefterson · 15/05/2019 15:24

She sounds awful and I don’t think it’s ‘unreasonable’ to hate someone but I’ve concluded that for me, nobody is worth my hatred. It takes up too much headspace and energy.

If someone is a real shit in life I’ve just cut them out and mentally compartmentalised them. I understand in your situation it’s harder to do this as you have to engage with her. How about sitting down and taking with her to address the concerns you have with her behaviour.

CookieSue222 · 15/05/2019 15:29

Yes, but why do you care so much?
I'm really struggling to understand why you hate her so much. Nothing you accuse her of is of any consequence to anyone other than yourself. I'm sorry, but I just don't get it.

Original poster

Bere111 · 15/05/2019 15:29

@madamejimjam

That is exactly how I feel around her- uncomfortable and I can’t put my finger on it.
She often says things that are a bit passive aggressive to me, for example a few years ago when I was on maternity leave, she said ‘I doubt I’d take much maternity leave, I’m a really active person and I’d be bored out of my mind’
Which is a round about way of saying I’m not content with being bored - you clearly are.
She had affair a few years ago, which was all sorted and dealt with and brushed under the carpet, but since she regularly likes to talk about her sex life with my BIL, subtlety but still pretty obviously...I find this really awkward, in front of inlaws etc. I feel like she’s trying to say we are having great sex- all is well!! I get why she might want to say this, but it’s strange. Wouldn’t be strange is we were as a group of women having all glass of wine.

OP posts:

MadameJimJam · 15/05/2019 15:39

Yes, it does sound like she has her knife in you. And also is a bit of a strange person generally - one to avoid as much as possible. Sounds like there is a lot of sweeping under the carpet and papering over the cracks in her life.

I would also say that your PIL are part of the problem here. They shouldn't be playing favourites or criticising any of the BIL or SIL to each other - that's just wrong. They don't sound like great people either tbh. Maybe it's time to step away and let your PIL and SIL just sit there congratulating each other in their own little weird sham universe!

NoSauce · 15/05/2019 15:43

I don’t understand the “ why do you care? “ posts. Why do you think the OP cares? It’s not easy to put aside your feelings when this person is in your immediate family. Especially as the other DIL is so well liked.

Original poster

Bere111 · 15/05/2019 15:48

I wouldn’t care if she was a colleague or something, but I care because I know whatever avoidance tactics I use I will be sitting across a dinner table for her at least a couple of times of years for many years to come.

OP posts:

BettysLeftTentacle · 15/05/2019 16:03

I dislike my SIL intensely but I don’t think I could bring myself to be this vitriolic about her, simply because I don’t give her the headspace.

CookieSue222 · 15/05/2019 16:23

Bettys - exactly that, it's the amount of head-space being given to what appears to be a list of misdemeanours that don't really impact directly on the OP if she could rise above them. If you now have 3 children, but are still obsessed with comments made when you were both pregnant with your first children (a few years ago now), you really need to move on.

LordPickle · 15/05/2019 16:36

I didn't RTFT but how is she your SIL if she's an only child?

BelulahBlanca · 15/05/2019 16:53

I assumed SIL is married to OP’s DH’s brother

JuniFora · 15/05/2019 17:04

She doesn't sound that bad, nothing you can't mute on social media or brush off in person.

To be so angry and hateful about someone who hasn't caused you any harm suggests there's a big issue with you and your life. You're focusing on her to distract from what's wrong with you. Hate her all you want, it's your body and mind that your harming with that poison, not her.

She probably gets very jealous, hateful vibes from you which makes her behave oddly around you. That would put anyone on edge.

The in-laws love her so she's obviously lovable...

Oilyskinproblems · 15/05/2019 17:04

Hate is so unhealthy. I’ve had similar with family before where they bothered me so much it would ruin my day if I saw a social media post by them or received a message from them. I pretty soon realised that it was me that needed to change not them - and why should they?

Ended up giving up social media and phasing our messages so they were less and less. I now only see them when I have to and this is manageable. I don’t hate them at all now and seeing them is absolutely fine as it’s so little that they actually don’t bother me anymore.

Also don’t worry about why PIL like her so much. That shouldn’t bother you even slightly - it doesn’t take away from all the great relationships im sure you have in life. Same with the lies - usually this comes from a really insecure place.

cantwait2bfree · 15/05/2019 17:15

My dd is an only child and she doesn’t suffer from ...communication skills?? If u don’t like her just stay away

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