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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU/ childish

31 replies

ShuubOutDemBadmine · 15/05/2019 10:22

Without going into too much detail, because I could be here for days, my ex of 5 years broke up with me while pregnant, didn't want to know. I found out many things about him after this so it's a good job really but prior to this he was a great guy, obviously just a good liar. Pregnancy was a surprise as I was on the pill.
When DD was born he started texting me, I travelled to his country so he could meet her, rocky start as he wasn't making much effort but then he was coming to see her. I gave him a chance, purely for DD sake. Took her twice more to see him, he can't come to me for visa issues.
He doesn't pay any money for her, he's bought her a few gifts like clothes etc but not much. I tried to bite my tongue and just be civil so DD could have a relationship with him, we argued a couple times during my visit as he was spotted out one night when he told me he was too tired to come see DD After work.
We had discussed me bringing her to see him again this year. So in March I told him it was officially booked and paid for to which he told me he will not be there anymore. Obviously big argument, so I'm here in his country, he's made no effort to contact me to see DD. (I also have many friends here as I used to work here and my mum is with me so we're treating it as a holiday)
Is it childish if I just block everything from him so he can't see any pictures of her or how's shes doing? I feel if he isn't making the effort to find out how she is then he shouldn't have the privilege of seeing how she's growing and how great she is.
I have been going to counselling and my counsellor went over this and suggested I just "do nothing" as in don't block him, dont text him etc. But this has started to irritate me as he thinks everything's fine because he can see how she's doing and knows she's ok therefore doesn't need to ask.
He's no good for her, and I don't really want him in DD life as he will just let her down and she's 13 months now so I don't want her to learn who he is just for him to hurt her.

But I don't know if I'm just letting my emotions get the better of me. I always thought having her dad in her life was important but I feel now it will affect her negatively as he's a major let down. I feel if I block him then I have had the power to stop him from hurting her, whereas at the moment I feel he has the upper hand as he can just text when he wants and see how she's doing through my social media. Of course every parents has a right to see their child, and how they're doing, but if they're not making any effort to contact them then is it fair that they get to see them grow through pictures even though they're doing nothing for them.

It's occupying my mind so much and I feel I can't relax. I thought he would make an effort to see her at least one day, but he hasn't and so I wanna block him as closure. But like I said, I don't know if that's childish to stop him from seeing any photos etc.

OP posts:

7yo7yo · 15/05/2019 10:23

Just cut him of and don’t go to see him again.
You and your dd deserve better

nauseous5000 · 15/05/2019 10:24

I'm with your counsellor. Do nothing

Bluntness100 · 15/05/2019 10:28

She's a right to know who her father is. And one day she will want to know

I think your therapist is right. Do nothing, it does you no harm if he can see her pics. But stop reaching out to him. Blocking him is only so you can feel you're getting some revenge for his behaviour, in reality if you don't, it doesn't impact you.

Original poster

ShuubOutDemBadmine · 15/05/2019 10:33

@Bluntness100 I haven't contacted him, not since I told him we were coming and we had an argument. I told him to just tell me if he doesn't want to be in DDs life and I'll go and he doesn't have to worry about seeing her again. He didn't give any answer to this, so I feel that is an answer In itself. But why does he want to see how she's growing but not physically be with her and get to know her.

When she asks who he is of course I will tell her, I have pictures kept away in a box of them together which I will show her and I will give any information she wants.

Ok I will continue to do nothing. It's been 2 months, and there's been nothing from him. But I can see he's seeing photos of her. It was just really bothering me as I thought he would want to see her

OP posts:

Strugglingtodomybest · 15/05/2019 10:33

I agree with your therapist. That way, your daughter will never be able to blame you for her not seeing her dad.

Original poster

ShuubOutDemBadmine · 15/05/2019 10:37

@Strugglingtodomybest I've done everything I can to make things easy for him, and to give him a chance to know her and this is how he acts.

I just wondered if anyone had some sort of similar experience, and if it helped yoir mental health but cutting them out. It just really gets to me some days, he made out he loved kids when we were together, fussed over other people's babies and can't even make some time for his own.

OP posts:

Miffymeow · 15/05/2019 10:38

Yep, agree with PP, stop contacting him but don't block him. Then when she asks she won't wonder if you stopped her having a relationship with her dad. It's on him. Sorry this has happened OP

Chloemol · 15/05/2019 11:08

Don’t block him, but also don’t post pictures on social media so he can see them. If you want to share with your family set up a WhatsApp or something

EileenAlanna · 15/05/2019 11:49

I agree with @Chloemol about the pictures on social media. Remove any that are there & don't put any others up where he/others can see them. I wouldn't be surprised if he's downloading them to "impress" the new women in his life with his big shows of affection, along with some sob story about how can't be with DD, probably your doing.

Omzlas · 15/05/2019 11:51

I'm with PP. Don't extend any olive branches or offer information, but don't block him. If your child wants to find her dad one day, she'll.know you've simply let things lie but haven't been an obstacle. She'll soon realise he's just a loser 'dad' who doesn't give a shiny shit about her. Bastard.

SmellMySmellbow · 15/05/2019 11:54

How is he seeing photos? Are you sending them to him? If so stop. If it's just on facebook then stop posting pics of her on facebook (it reslly isn't ideal anyway imo, but I know I'm in a minority on that). If you do it to share with family then set up a whatsapp group for them or if you have to post on facebook then create a share list where it's a handpicked bunch of people and when you post click to share with just them rather than 'all friends' when you post.

KC225 · 15/05/2019 11:58

I agree with Cholemol don't block him but refrain from posting photos of her on social media. If you have a lovely shot of your daughter - what's app, DM or email them to people who you know will appreciate it. That way he can't complain you stopped him from contacting but he also doesn't get to say 'Yeah, she's growing up now, into XY&Z'. because he happened to see what you have posted on Facebook.

Piffle11 · 15/05/2019 12:05

A big yes to stopping posting pictures of DD on social media: he doesn't have to make an effort as he can satisfy his curiosity by looking at photos. You don't have to block him: stop the posting and if he is genuinely interested then he will make the effort (which he clearly isn't). I don't post any photos of my DC online at all - I can send them privately to those I choose. I understand why you are trying to forge a relationship with him for your DD's sake, but a disinterested parent is very upsetting for a child. He may let your DD down continuously thoughout her life.

Antigon · 15/05/2019 12:11

I would block him on the phone and social media, but let him have your address so he can write to you and baby. You can keep the letters for her (if he ever bothers sending any).

You could post him some pictures too once or twice year.

But yes, no more visits to him at your expense and no more phone contact with a dead beat dad.

Drum2018 · 15/05/2019 12:18

Don't arrange to visit him again. Why on earth would you pay to visit his country? It's his problem if he has visa issues, not yours, so if he wants to make an effort it's up to him to either pay for you to travel or try to travel himself. Personally I wouldn't make any effort to see him and as suggested, stop posting photos of your child on social media. Not just so he doesn't get to see them but because you don't know whose hands publicly shared photos end up in. Don't bother contacting him and if he does text again to ask when you are visiting next, either ignore or tell him straight that you have done your bit and cannot afford to travel again. He sounds like a waste of space as regards being a dad.

ANewDawn10 · 15/05/2019 12:36

Why are you running after him like this?
He clearly wants nothing to do with his Dd. And that will be his loss. You dont need to chase him to his country when he cant even be bothered to see her.
Just let it be. He will pay the price of not being in her life when she doesnt know him.

Lllot5 · 15/05/2019 12:51

I’d block him fuck him. Imagine before Facebook and instagram were invented he couldn’t have seen pics of her then. He’s showing these pics of your daughter to other women to impress them.
Don’t travel to see him.
When your daughter asks show her pics of him and tell her the truth.

RaininSummer · 15/05/2019 12:53

I agree with the posters who say just stop posting stuff about your baby on social media. It's a good policy anyway and you can have closed groups for family and friends. That way your problem is solved without it looking petty or childish and you have no reason not to hold your head high when your daughter asks about her father. He can get in touch of he wants to know how she is doing.

Gatehouse77 · 15/05/2019 13:00

The only thing you can control is how you react. This would be my breakdown.

Doing nothing - no guilty conscience on your behalf, no immediate repercussions, gives you time to think about how, and if, to move forward with contact.

Blocking him - short term feel-good factor, likely to antagonise him, is it a long-term solution?

Confronting him - what do you expect from him? What is the most likely outcome? Do you know what position you want to take? Will it escalate the negative feelings (on both sides).

Girlzroolz · 15/05/2019 13:15

Cut him loose.

When ‘that conversation’ comes one day, all you need to do is tell the truth to your DD. You made every effort to take her to see him and encouraged a relationship in every proactive way open to you. He provided nothing for her support- physical or emotional- and started flaking on the visits. So you left the ball in his court, where it (presumably) stayed for years.

How does that leave room for anyone to blame you?

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 15/05/2019 13:20

You say you dont want him in her life but if you block him from seeing her pics then that might encourage him to get in touch to continue to be a flakey useless human in her life. Is that actually what you're hoping will happen? That he'll make an effort?

Original poster

ShuubOutDemBadmine · 15/05/2019 13:56

@PotatoesDieInHotCars I wanted him in her life before 2 months ago when he looked like he had grown up and was making an effort. Then I said we were coming and he said he wouldn't be here. Since then no, I don't want him in her life as I realised he is no good if this is what he choses to do.

@Gatehouse77 i have confronted him many times, I've asked him if he wants to be in DDs life and he never replies. Just reads the message and ignores it, and also he will try to turn things around on me and say he doesn't want to come because he thinks I'm gonna be nasty, even though everytime he has come, wether or not we have argued, I am civil to him because I didn't want to disrupt his time with DD. He knows me and knows I'm usually pretty laid back. He often tries to make me out the bad person.

To other posters, I dont have many friends in Facebook, majority are my family who live far from me, some are elderly who don't have smartphone but have a laptop (my gran for example, loves bingo on the laptop but doesn't know how to work WhatsApp on her phone no matter how hard we try) i dont see any of my family (very large family on both sides) apart from my mum and brothers as we moved away when i wad young. yea I could stop posting or just remove him as a friend?
I will try the WhatsApp thing and see how it goes

OP posts:

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 15/05/2019 14:14

Since then no, I don't want him in her life as I realised he is no good if this is what he choses to do.

Then like your counsellor said - do nothing. If seeing pics of her keeps him quiet then it's worth it. I do agree with you tho that he doesn't deserve even that. But for your own sake just let it be. Or is there an option on Facebook to restrict selected people from seeing certain posts? Can it be make so he can see some but not all? I haven't used it in a long time.

MiddleClassProblem · 15/05/2019 14:36

I think unfriending him is fine and different to blocking on insta. I’d either do that or limit the pics I put up or do it to exclude him when posting on FB and then he would just see the ones you choose him to.

IWantMyHatBack · 15/05/2019 14:41

You can set it on Facebook to control who sees your posts, just set it up so he can't see any posts going forwards, that way you don't have to block him. I use if for family pictures that I don't want to share with certain people at work, for example

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