Why has my dh become obssessed with housework (& my alleged lack of doing it properly)???

[peggotty]

I can't believe we had a massive argument last night about f-ing housework. I am a SAHM, he works full time in a pretty demanding job, and suffers from insomnia quite often (all the time at the moment). I have one 2.5 yrs dd and am 12 weeks pg. He claims that he lives in a 'pigsty' and then the only time the house is clean is when he does it, because I do not 'pull out furniture' when vacuuming or 'wash down doors and skirting boards' as part of my housework routine. I will be the first to admit I am not a tidy person, but I do try and keep the house as clean and tidy as I can. He seems to have turned into some kind of ruddy victorian husband about the whole issue and it is majorly pissing me off. I am 'only pregnant, not ill' and that the 'vast majority' of other women who are pg or with kids manage to keep a spotlessly clean house apparently.

The strange thing is (or maybe not so strange, because it probably explains why he's like this) his mothers and sisters houses are absolutely filthy. I do not exaggerate when I say that his sisters carpet is crunchy because it has not been vacuumed for so long. I have not been in his mothers house for about 3 years because I think he is embarassed. Of course, I am not allowed to say anything about this. Last night I made the mistake of telling him to have a look at himself at try and work out why he was so hung up about housework and I suspect he got my drift because I was ordered into the spare room to sleep last night and he left for work early this morning and when I phoned him, he says he still isn't talking to me.

I think he is being unreasonable and is projecting his hang-ups about his familys cleanliness etc onto me. Obviously none of you can come into my house and say 'actually, it is a bit of a pigsty, I see what he means' but I really don;t think I am deluding myself when I say it is NOT a bloody pigsty. Do I give in to him and become a stepford wife who has a frigging housework rota or what?! I don't know what to bloody do with him!!

Oh bloody hell that's long.

You poor thing. I know how you feel. My dh is similar. I don't know what to say. I did the running myself ragged thing, but all that did was wear me out, p**s the kids off and now its been acheived once he just expects it all the time.
No advice - just hugs.

Mistypeaks, just been reading your thread - sympathy to you too and thanks for replying.

I'm sure this isn't about housework, but other things. I know my dp used to be like this, but how ever much i cleaned, he'd always find something else to moan about.
People seem to pick on things they know will upset you.
No one likes to be called dirty or made to feel like they can't "run a house", so he knows it will hurt you.

he sounds very very stressed (what with the insomnia and this, quite obviously, irrational rant at you)

I can't say I've ever washed the skirting boards or cleaned a door (unless it was obviously filthy).

Are you worried about him? It sounds like you might be...

He has suffered from insomnia since our dd was born, it seems to come and go. He keeps saying that he's going to try and sort it out, and recently said that he was going to go to the docs, but he's said that before and hasn't (don't know if docs could do anything anyway). He seems to have no energy (understandably) for anything except his work. I can't make him try to sort out his insomnia and he says I have no sympathy for him(which I admit I probably don't anymore because it has been going on for so long and he does nothing). We are both crap at sorting stuff out, but there seem to be thing piling up on both of us that will never get done. His tax bill (he has paid out nearly £2000 but has never completed any tax return, so might not even have owed all that money), we are being shafted on our mortgage and insurance, our boiler's knackered and externally, the house is falling to bits.

He's started going on about how he 'works all the hours' and that I should be able to do ..(insert choice of task). He speaks in ridiculous chauvinist husband cliches, but it's not who he is!

it's virtually impossible to function with insomnia - you can just about concentrate on one task and that's about it. Is he due any leave from work? Are you going away this summer?

I do feel sorry for you - he doesn't sound like he's very easy to deal with at the moment at all. I wonder if you could be bothered to take the initiative here - I know you don't have to and I know there's no reason why you should - but if you perhaps mentioned the doctor again and he made positive noises, perhaps you could make an appointment and go with him. After all, this is affecting you as well.

There are things the doctor can do (and it may be worth getting stuff like his blood pressure etc. tested at the same time).

also, the only way we sort out admin (and I know how easy it is to put it to one side and then suddenly get snowed under) is to pencil in a night for admin (very exciting hey!).

It really is the only way anything gets done - we both sit down for an hour or so - go through all the bills, catch up with what we've got planned for the next month or so and make sure we're on top of anything. We also allocate any tasks that need doing.

It sounds very very dull and neither of us ever really feel like doing it but it's the sort of thing you need to force yourself to do iyswim.

I wanted to say that my DH and I have had a running battle on this subject since we moved in together and, whilst he is genuinely a lot tidier than me, it is never really about housework. He definitely gets worse when other areas of life are out of control and is easier to live with when we are more organised and therefore relaxed.

It sounds like you are really busy but is there any way you could tackle some of the other things you mention (mortgage / insurance / boiler) to ease the general stress level?

Has he always been like this about housework or did it start at the same time as the insomnia / birth of DD? Do you think this is all a sort of performance anxiety over providing a "perfect environment" for the children?

Sorry to ramble on a bit, but it really sounds to me that it is the other areas that really need tackling.

(By the way - he is being very silly about the doors etc - what nonsense!)

Not making any excuses for him at all, because speaking to you like that is totally out of order - but if he is properly, clinically depressed and you have all those worries about taxes and boilers etc, he is likely concentrating on something smaller and easier to control, ie cleanliness of the house.

Have had depression and anxiety myself, and did notice I obsessed about small points in preference to tackling the larger ones.

Just a thought, not saying this is definitely it.

And I have never cleaned a skirting board in my life. I wait a year or two and then paint 'em.

well shit on a stick - i nevre pull out furniture - wash down skirting boards - oh purlease!

lifes too short - tell him to get a grip he is being a fucking freak

Message withdrawn

Actually you shouldn't be pulling out furnityre when you're pregant

So tell him that's not going to be done for nine months.

Oh hold on, I'm not pregnant and I don't do it for years. Oh well.

It does sound like it's about something else. Does he think you're skiving by being a SAHM and he wants to get his money's worth or something?

Well ta for the messages. I don't think he is depressed but is probably stressed. Unfortunately he is one of these people who think that stress is an imaginary ailment what do you do with a plonker like that?! Foxinsocks, you are right, he does seem to barely function at home and obviously all his energy goes on his work. I will try to ask him again about going to the docs.
FCH - he has always been tidier etc than me, but since I have been at home with dd he has become pickier. It has defiantely reached some sort of apex in last few months though. I've no doubt it's linked to insomnia/stress.

I will try to tackle some of the stuff that is getting on top of us.

Doodle, I did tell him to fuck off when he ordered me into the spare room but then I just couldn't be arsed with the effort and atmosphere of sleeping in the same bed as him. In fact I had the best nights sleep I've had for ages in the spare room!

Custardo yes he is being a freak but suspect there's a bit more to it!

I think there is an element of him thinking I'm skiving. He has said he thinks I have an easy life.

In fact the while argument kicked off because my dd pointed to the sofa a called it 'mummys bed', which I think he took to mean I spend all day lying on the sofa!! This os on the word of a 2.5 year old!

I have just started to feel better after 6 weeks of morning sickness and tiredness which felt like a frigging illness but that doesn't seem to take that on board either!

I went through this with my dh. It did improve as his stress levels went down. It was hard not to feel 'in the wrong' as at the time I was at home with one son and one bump and thought that perhaps I should be acting like Mrs Perfect Housewife. But don't feel that you aren't doing enough. It definitely sounds like he is projecting all sorts of stuff onto you.

I get this from a a stressed/ borderline depressed dh and I work 30 hours a week in a stressful job too !

What is it with men ?

We can afford a cleaner but he is so untidy, leaving a trail of dirty clothes, crisp packets and old newspapers all over the house, and has actually got worse that I'm too embarassed at present to hire one.

He just doesn't remember that before we lived together pre-marriage, his rented bedroom was a slovenly hovel and my house was reasonably tidy and fairly clean.

You have my sympathies ! In my case he has convinced his mother that I'm lazy and a neglectful mother too.

to you] good advice on here follow it and don't rise to the bate. read somewhere else on another thread if you do something nice for him/you both that you ultimately get it back. iyswim good luck

skirting boards sometimes get tail end of the mop which i use for everything fingerprints of walls we are talking once in a blue moon.

didn't mean to do that link thingy was trying to send you a hug sorry!!

If he wants the house cleaned like that then he has two choices

1. do it himself
2. hire somebody to do it

he is not your boss. you are an equal partner in a marriage and it is not his place to be getting angry over suspicions that you sleep on the sofa during the day.

right now you are pregnant, and have been tired and sick. I can't believe he told you you weren't sick when he must know you have been.

what an utter arse.

if my husband were to start acting like this I would make an appointment with a marriage counsellor and go even if he refused to come too.

I would also not be doing anything to give him the impression that he was in the right or I was in the wrong. Neither would I be moving back in from the spare room until I got a full apology for his treating me like I was a skivvy.

peggotty, I think I am a bit like your dh, when tasks pile up that never get done and the house wallows in chaos, my stress levels go up and I get a bit shouty, especially when I perceive my dh is not pulling his own weight (not saying that you aren't btw).

I am currently a SAHM (whilst on maternity leave), and I understand how there are never enough hours in the day.

But as my dh works fulltime, I accept that if I don't initiate certain things (like tax returns, re-mortgaging, insurance, house maintenance), my dh will never find the time to do it. All weekends are chockers with chores (like ironing, cooking, laundry) and round-the-clock childcare of 2 under 5s. We would have to seriously neglect our children to do admin on weekends.

I know you are going to tackle it - which is great. It will just have to be baby steps, hacking around the edges, ticking off lists etc. You might not be able to do all of it yourself, but there is a lot of legwork you can do during the day. For example, get income/bank statements together for tax returns. Call the mortgage broker, get a range of quotes. discuss the best deal with dh, then you call for the forms, fill them in, so dh only has to sign. Post them off the next day. Find an insurance broker.

Also, do bits in the evenings, even if it is just 15 min, after your toddler has gone to bed. I know you are probably exhausted. That is the only time I can get sheltered time from dhto do that.

little-by-little, you and dh will get there. You might find yourselves breathing easier. Then use the savings you have made to hire a cleaner, lol!

BTW, my cleaner does not move furniture out of the way or wipe down doors or skirting boards either. I think your dh's demands on that front are not reasonable to ask of you, pg with a toddler. I believe that is just a red-herring.

If you have read Men are from Mars, I believe it says men are obsessed with fairness. So the sofa-bed thing, innocent as it sounds, may have played on his mind a bit, since he surely knows that things will only get worse once no.2 is here.

I wish you all the best.

I'm obsessed with fairness.

Having a row with your pregnant wife over her slothfulness because of something a toddler says is not in the universe of fairness.

You know all this stuff about "pregnancy is not an illness"

Well of course it isn't, but I htink people who go in for emphasising how like not being pregnant, being pregnant is, do so in order to justify their own lack of consideration for a pregnant woman. That "oh she's only pregnant, not ill, therefore I don't need to get off my arse and let her sit down on a packed tube train" mentality. Like not wanting to patronise elderly people by giving up your seat for them.

Just an excuse imo

'wash down doors and skirting boards' as part of my housework routine

Sorry but that made me laugh. Who on earth does that?!

It sounds like he's probably stressed out but maybe has some controlling tendencies. I really didn't like the sound of him ordering you, his pregnant wife, to sleep in the spare room. If he was pissed off then surely he should have gone to sulk by himself not 'ordered' you to go.

We've got a 9 month old. He naps, say, an hour and a half a day. During that time my DW has a chance to get her lunch, do some washing, sort out his dinner. The rest of the time she's looking after a whirlwind - the house is a tip when I get home but I quickly came to understand after spending some days looking after him myself that the myth of the housewife with her feet up watching daytime TV is just that. Maybe you could get him to be sole carer for a day to see what it's like in your shoes?

I do think that pregnancy is not an illness. But that is not to say your dh is entitled to use that phrase on pegg, because some women have a very difficult time of it during pregnancy. I agree that when people use that on pg women it is usually an excuse to not take their delicate condition in account in an unjustifiable way.

I must emphasise, pegg, that I feel your dh is unreasonable in this skirting board issue. That could be a hangover from the filthy conditions he had to ensure growing up. And he is unreasonable to banish you to the spare room.

I think he is feeling that his life is out-of-control. Is he quite an orderly person? When his work life is stressful, he will look to his house to be a haven. When it is not (in HIS PERCEPTION), he gets no respite.

Believe me, I get no respite either from relentless childcare, housework, admin and one non-sleeping baby. But the few times a day when I feel I have wiped down the dining table and high chair and toys have been tidied away gives me a little glow of peace, if only momentary.

I am not suggesting to pegg that she start scrubbing on her hands and knees in her condition. I am only supporting pegg in her desire to start sorting out the admin (which is not a physically demanding thing) in bite-sized chunks during the day. To regain that sense of control. Especially before baby is here. And to use any financial savings to hire a cleaner.