Why has my dh become obssessed with housework (& my alleged lack of doing it properly)???

[peggotty]

I can't believe we had a massive argument last night about f-ing housework. I am a SAHM, he works full time in a pretty demanding job, and suffers from insomnia quite often (all the time at the moment). I have one 2.5 yrs dd and am 12 weeks pg. He claims that he lives in a 'pigsty' and then the only time the house is clean is when he does it, because I do not 'pull out furniture' when vacuuming or 'wash down doors and skirting boards' as part of my housework routine. I will be the first to admit I am not a tidy person, but I do try and keep the house as clean and tidy as I can. He seems to have turned into some kind of ruddy victorian husband about the whole issue and it is majorly pissing me off. I am 'only pregnant, not ill' and that the 'vast majority' of other women who are pg or with kids manage to keep a spotlessly clean house apparently.

The strange thing is (or maybe not so strange, because it probably explains why he's like this) his mothers and sisters houses are absolutely filthy. I do not exaggerate when I say that his sisters carpet is crunchy because it has not been vacuumed for so long. I have not been in his mothers house for about 3 years because I think he is embarassed. Of course, I am not allowed to say anything about this. Last night I made the mistake of telling him to have a look at himself at try and work out why he was so hung up about housework and I suspect he got my drift because I was ordered into the spare room to sleep last night and he left for work early this morning and when I phoned him, he says he still isn't talking to me.

I think he is being unreasonable and is projecting his hang-ups about his familys cleanliness etc onto me. Obviously none of you can come into my house and say 'actually, it is a bit of a pigsty, I see what he means' but I really don;t think I am deluding myself when I say it is NOT a bloody pigsty. Do I give in to him and become a stepford wife who has a frigging housework rota or what?! I don't know what to bloody do with him!!

Well you know your DH best and it does sound as if he is just focusing on the cleaning etc instead of whatever else is bugging him (we all know how hard not sleeping is!)

My DP did the same thing yesterday, he was being arsey all morning and I refused to rise to the bait so in the end he starts effing and blinding about the 'filthy fridge' and how all the foods gone off and not been thrown out (that's one apple crumble that I cooked 3 days ago and is still fine to eat and some pate that was about 2 days past date ) he knew it would piss me off becuase I spend ages cleaning and keeping the house in order. It wasn't until about 3 hrs later that I actually found out what was really bugging him (some work thing), so i'm sure there is something else behind him being arsey with you. Which of course doesn't excuse his behaviour!

Just to let you know I know how you feel though (oh and by the way i'm 37wks pregnant) and my dp was all arsey at the beginning about me being sick/tired etc

Tell him to fuck off! dont do any housework at all see how he likes it then.

LEM reminds herself to think before she posts again. Actually, ive not read the other posts but your DP sounds like he is under stress, i know this because my DP is being a pig to me at the moment and we had a big flare up and he said it is due to financial worries and he is really stressed to the point of breakdown. It is not healthy to worry so much about the state of the house, i suggest he needs to talk to someone, you would be a good start.

My dh does this when he is stressed at work. Normally he is wonderful, but when he is up to his eyes in it or having problems then my lack of awareness about the state of the house tips him over the edge. And I now this will sound all patheic to some people, but I do humour him. I love him, he's stressed and unhappy, so I pull my finger out, tidy up a bit and ride it out. If it were all the time it might be different, in fact it would be different, but I have my own foibles when I am strssed and he deals with them. So I return the favour.

agree, flyingmachine. Marriage is about taking turns to go loopy with the other accommodating, even if the behaviour is unreasonable. But pegg, don't accept it as normal behaviour. Once in a while is ok, provided it blows over with tlc.

marriage is about taking it in turns to go loopy?

I'm only recently married, so what do I know, but that is the weirdest and most depressing description of marriage I've ever heard.

If you are expecting sweetness and light for the next fifty years then you are in for a rude awakening.

People get stressed, it may make them act unreasonably. If you love them, you deal with it.

Peg,

If he is not sleeping AT ALL and is flying off the handle, then he needs time off work, he needs to get things into perspective, and he probably needs to see a doctor.

Yes it's stress, it may be veering towards depression, it's probably out of his control by now, and he needs help. By bitching at you, he's making matters worse.

Do you have the same Dr? If so, make an appointment, and ask the Dr how you can help your dh. If necessary, ask how to protect yourself from becoming over stressed by dh's behaviour. The GP won't discuss your dh's condition, but should hear what you are saying, and may note it on his records. Then when your dh goes in, the GP will have an idea what is really going on (depressed men rarely tell the whole truth in the surgery).

I did this when ds suffered his first bout of depression a few years ago, and it did make a difference.

Don't let this go on. Your dh is very unhappy, it's stressing you, and it can't be good for your baby.

Also, when he's calm, try explaining to dh that you love him, that you are on his side in life, and it isn't you he should be fighting with. Then ask him if YOU can make his Dr's appointment for him (my dh never had time to make the call, didn't have the phone number, made any excuse not to make the appointment).

Good luck.

Read somewhere once that people who are obsessive about cleanliness in the home are trying to compensate for a feeling that life (outside the home) is beyond their control. Could be true, I dunno. Doesn't have to take it out on his pregnant wife though!

He thinks you have the easy life. I know when I was going mad with the baby, worn out, frazzled from lack of sleep, dh was totally unsympathetic and unhelpful, the prat. His take was , well we can swap, you go and do my job, I'm quite happy to hang about the house with a baby all day.

But I KNOW I had the harder job.

skidoodle, to my dh's credit, it is mainly me going loopy and him not rising to the bait. I am the more emotional of the 2. I am a realist, hence my description of marriage. I wait for Versuvius to erupt one day.

Skidoodle, did your marriage come under a lot of stress and adjustment, re-working of roles with the arrival of dcs, particularly the first one? Have you not snapped at dh angrily under pressure? This is what I mean about loopy. And I can think of lots more strains in a modern marriage, including loss of job, bereavement, sickness. This is what it means for me "better or worse". The understanding and bigness of heart to not take it personally, making up and getting over the hump is the glue of shared experiences that binds us together. But I digress.

Tbh, if dh spoke to me in the way pegg's dh treated her, I would probably have a screaming row with him and then give him the cold treatment for a few days. Then he will call my bluff after being frozen out enough, and I will sulkily call off the dogs. Then pull my finger out, lol!

Stress and lack of sleep are a killer. Plus pegg's sickness in the first trimester probably meant less was done around the house than usual (perfectly understandable). The added pressure for her dh to earn more with no.2 on the way in a stressful work environment without adequate rest. Not condoning pegg's dh's outburst. But I can see why it happened.

Thank you for all the replies. They all make sense. I'll like to reply to everyone individually but you know how it is... skirting boards to wash down.. furniture to pull out and vacuum behind . I have had two texts from him today. The first one saying 'I have not fallen out with (dd's name). We will talk later' wtf does that mean and then one about 11am saying 'I don't like it when we argue'. Think he might be calming down based on the last message.

I think I will have to tackle all the things people have suggested, because it's clear he won't. I have also thought about making him an appt myself to see the doc. I will ask him again tonight when he is going to do it. I feel like I have to ask him about the situation with his family as well and whether he thinks it has an effect on him. A few people have asked if he is normally anal/obssessed with cleanliness and the weird thing is, he's not in the slightest. His desk at work really is a pigsty and I think he has to feel enormous pressure to do tasks before he actually does them ( i am a bit like this as well so understand that) and I'm sure he's like that at work as well, but the difference is, at work, he does what needs to be done - at home, he doesn't and then gets narky at me.

I sort of knew this housework thing was really the tip of an iceberg with him, but it's kind of depressing having to think about it all, and I think I will have a job persuading him to see beyond the fact, in his opinion, that all it is about is the fact I don;t keep the house clean enough for him.

I think when he calms down, he will realise the 'banishing me to the spare room' thing was utterly ridiculous. And the skirting board thing, NOONE I have asked cleans theirs either.

I really want him to sort out his insomnia, i think he will be a different person if he does.

@blueshoes

It was just the description I found odd - the idea of two people taking turns to get on a roundabout of loopiness while the other had to wait it out before their turn. I don't doubt it, it just struck me as an unusual (and also kind of funny).

One person being a basket-case and other mostly reasonable? now THAT sounds more like the marriages I know and admire

I would totally do the same as you (possibly without pulling my finger out at the end ), although not saying that would be a good course of action.

I think clumsymum's advice is top notch - some practical ideas there that sounds like they'd really help.

By meandmyflyingmachine on Thu 19-Jul-07 14:34:57
If you are expecting sweetness and light for the next fifty years then you are in for a rude awakening.

People get stressed, it may make them act unreasonably. If you love them, you deal with it.

Thankyou for posting this, i dont mean to hijack but my DP is being an absolute arse of late but it is because he is stressed out to the eyeballs, im worried about him but i get hurt by his actions and react - i need to learn to take a step back and realise the poor guy is going to crack if things dont change, i have to be there for him