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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends invite me to meet them an hour after they've met up

34 replies

Flyingkites123 · 15/05/2019 02:47

On a Tuesday I have 2 friends who I met up with alongside our kids. I feel a bit hurt/left out/foolish because recenty they've been meeting each other at say 11am but arrange to meet me at 1pm.

They never tell me they're meeting first and messages suggest we're all meeting together at the same time. I only find out about it via fb or they let something slip.

OH says it doesn't matter, I can't be possessive over friends etc. I feel like it's the playground where they're meeting up first to have secret chats.

What would you do?

OP posts:

OwlBeThere · 15/05/2019 02:50

i'd confront them and ask why. its a shitty way to behave!

Pigsinduvets · 15/05/2019 02:54

That’s very weird. It’s not about you being possessive. It’s about them being deceitful and making you feel like shit. You don’t have to put up with it. I would let the friendship slide. Next time they message you say “I can’t make it as I’m meeting other friends.”

SleepWarrior · 15/05/2019 03:04

Not surprised it upset you as a knee-jerk reaction. It would for me too.

Is the pre-social definitely not for some other purpose though? Make sure before you let your feelings run away unchecked. Examples might be something like one friend is a professional x and has been chatting to other friend about something related as a favour. Or one has been struggling with pnd while the other has recovered. Or they both have younger babies and go to a special baby group whereas you have an older toddler who couldn't attend.

How did the meeting up come about? Did you tag along one or did you establish it all together and then they snuck an extra but on the front?

Basically you need to find out the details and go from there. If they are just leaving you out of the beginning for no apparent reason then I'd bin them; that's just not nice at all.

Alicewond · 15/05/2019 03:09

Are they closer friends to each other than to you, are they worried that you will make this about you and your problems?

Alicewond · 15/05/2019 03:13

Read this back and it does sound like they want to meet without you

EmeraldRubyShark · 15/05/2019 03:17

I can understand why you’d feel a bit threatened by it, but they may have their reasons. If I’m dealing with a really awful personal problem and friend A has been supporting me with it but I don’t really want to tell any more people or don’t feel friend B would be the best fit (perhaps our friendship is a bit more about day to day stuff, or maybe I don’t want to burden them if they’re dealing with stuff) I might meet A first for a bit just to chat about the things that are between the two of us before widening the group up for others to join.

This isn’t uncommon in my circle. You could just ask them directly. If a friend was upset by my doing this and asked me why I’d met so and so earlier then them I would be understanding that everyone gets anxiety or feels left out sometimes and explain the reason.

EmeraldRubyShark · 15/05/2019 03:19

Or, less charitable reading: are your kids badly behaved? If they are they might only feel they can handle a shorter period of time around them but still wanna see you, so meet earlier to be able to talk properly before you arrive with kids that might take up more attention/be difficult to keep an eye on, just an idea?

It’s all speculation anyway, only they know!

Original poster

Flyingkites123 · 15/05/2019 03:33

Sleepwarrior, as far as I was aware we established the meeting together... Although come to think of it, it was me who asked.

Some context is that 6 weeks ago I had my second baby. We all had our first babies 14 months ago and that's how we met, through mums groups.

Alicewond, maybe I am taking about myself and my problems too much. Dd2 has had some complications and has been in an out of hospital last few weeks. Maybe they're sick of hearing about it...

I guess if they met together a different time or occasion id get that more. Or if they were open about meeting up beforehand it would make it seem less personal. But they both message on WhatsApp saying "are you both happy to meet at 1pm?" and the other will put "sounds good to me."

Why not say "we're meeting at 11am, see you at 1?" or "you're welcome to meet us for breakfast but you've probably got your hands full with 2 kids". Its more that they never mention it afterwards or the guilty way they looked today when one let it slip that I don't get.

OP posts:

Chilledout11 · 15/05/2019 03:35

This would be enough for me to cut them off to be honest.

missperegrinespeculiar · 15/05/2019 03:52

That's not on, I think you are right to be upset, I would, too! I think either ask them what is going on, or let the friendship slide.

Sorry to hear about DD2, hope she is better soon, and again, if they are sick of listening to you worrying about your poorly, tiny baby they are not great friends anyhow!

Durgasarrow · 15/05/2019 04:16

On the other hand, maybe they do care and they are trying to see you as much as they are able to do comfortably--it is possible that they do feel kind of swamped by your situation but they do care and want to be friends in the long term.

FlyingMonkeys · 15/05/2019 05:04

Maybe one has some personal problems going on that the other one is aware of and they meet up to discuss that first then join up with you for a general get together? It might be something they don't want to throw out to an extra person but the other friend got wind of it. I'd try to not take it personally because if they didn't want to meet up with you at all or exclude you completely. I'd just presume they'd make up an excuse to fob you off.

BillywilliamV · 15/05/2019 05:29

Ask them? I would...

AngelsOnHigh · 15/05/2019 05:34

You have a six week old baby?

Other baby is 14 months.

Maybe your friends meet up earlier because they are worried that you would find it too much to cope with meeting at 11.00.

Yes, they should give you an explanation, but I think they are being the best kind of friends. They are thinking of you, still including you in their meet ups, just for a shorter period of time to allow for the newborn..

ittakes2 · 15/05/2019 05:35

I'm sorry I am with your husband on this one. If I found out my friends were doing this I would assume one of them wanted a private chat with the other. Maybe one of them has some personal or health issue and they feel closer to the other friend. This would be OK with me - I see it if I was truly their friend than I would want them to have the support / friendships they wanted. The fact you are still getting invited means they do value your friendshop - if they didn't you would be invited at all. People get to choose who they want to spend their time with. You also have feelings and your feelings are valid too - if you feel left out maybe its time you invest in finding more friend so you don't feel so hurt by this.

ittakes2 · 15/05/2019 05:37

....and just to add now I have read you have a baby. When I was going through something I would normally turn to one of my sisters for - because she just had a baby I thought trying to lean on her was unfair so I then turned to another sister. This might not be about you at all.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/05/2019 05:40

It sounds as if they want to be able to talk about themselves for some reason and when they see you right now, they want to be able to focus on talking about you. That’s fine, you naturally dominate the conversation because you’ve been through a really rough time.

From their perspective talking about your issues for several hours is too much for them and probably for you too. They may be thinking that with all that is happening with your DD2 are also likely exhausted so seeing them in shorter bursts works well for you all.

It would be very difficult for them to tell you this, so do try not to take it personally. When you’re feeling a little less emotional I’d let them know you’ve realised. The last thing you want to do right now is get upset with your support system. It may be too much for them to bear and you could find them backing away.

PregnantSea · 15/05/2019 05:47

If it's happening every time and they're trying to keep it from you then I'd stop meeting up with them. They obviously would rather hang out just them.

It's not nice for you though they sound very childish

LizziesTwin · 15/05/2019 05:48

Isn’t there another hormone crash around 6 weeks? And around 6 weeks a baby has a growth spurt? I would try and focus on my own two children and not get worked up over two friends who are meeting up with you anyway. Don’t fall out with them while you are suffering from lack of sleep & stress.

eurochick · 15/05/2019 05:52

Could one of them be experiencing secondary infertility and finding seeing you with your second baby hard?

Oneweekleft · 15/05/2019 07:26

I think the way they have gone about it is a bit secretive, maybe ask them? You've got nothing to lose. X

ems137 · 15/05/2019 08:12

I must be more highly strung than some other PPs because I'd feel hurt, upset and a bit embarrassed in this situation. It feels to me like "mean girls". I would absolutely cut them out of my life.

greenlynx · 15/05/2019 08:35

It’s strange because they’re agreed to meet up at 1 pm initially and then decided to meet up without you for some reason. it doesn’t look nice for me. I know that it could be private chat and so on but still...
Don’t tell them that you know, next time don’t talk about yourself, just say something like it’s fine and how are you and ask them lots of questions about their stuff. Don’t allow them to move to how are things with you. Change the dynamic completely, it might help you to see things differently.
But saying this I would be pessimistic about your friendship, and if it’s happened several times I wouldn’t ask them or tell them that I know. I wouldn’t bother.

Longtalljosie · 15/05/2019 09:52

Had this happened once or repeatedly? If once, accept it. One of them has something going on which they are only confiding with a few people about and that’s ok. Also - some friendships are deeper than others. You can’t be everyone’s closest friend. Acknowledging that they want to see you but also want some time to talk about something one-on-one isn’t the end of the world. They’ve been a bit clumsy about it but perhaps this was the only way to make it work...

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/05/2019 10:17

You say 'recently' and 'every Tuesday' - if you have a 6 week old and it's been happening since then how often has this actually happened?

I don't think the way they've gone about this - the guilty secrecy - is ideal or all that nice, but I also wouldn't, personally, say something. I try quite hard to be easy-going about this kind of thing and to assume the best (I have been told lots on MN that this makes me a doormat/wet lettuce!). I just think it makes life a lot nicer for everyone if we let the little stuff go. However, if it's really going to eat away at you then ask them.

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