Friends invite me to meet them an hour after they've met up

[Flyingkites123]

On a Tuesday I have 2 friends who I met up with alongside our kids. I feel a bit hurt/left out/foolish because recenty they've been meeting each other at say 11am but arrange to meet me at 1pm.

They never tell me they're meeting first and messages suggest we're all meeting together at the same time. I only find out about it via fb or they let something slip.

OH says it doesn't matter, I can't be possessive over friends etc. I feel like it's the playground where they're meeting up first to have secret chats.

What would you do?

How many times has this happened?

is it just one of them engineering this or are they doing it together? You may not know but the reason I ask is because I have (brave use of present tense) a group friend who does this all the time. Every occasion she has to have one on one time with someone else first, she also does this at the organising stage, the moment there's a group conversation to make arrangements she's off making individual plans with the initiator so it's all about her followed by very scripted group messages. She also likes to slip in details of past events that she didn't invite everyone to. It's mean and controlling and hurtful being on the receiving end of this and you end up braced for it every time you meet up. It would be nice to think they're being supportive of the problems you've had over the last few weeks rather than possibly sick of hearing about it. It would also be nice to think that if there's something just between them that they want to talk about first that they could just say 'Us two have got to sort out blah blah blah first so shall we meet afterwards'. Take the knowledge, not the hurt, and see if they do it again and decide if it's worth bringing up with them or not.

Thanks for all of your responses. It's happens the past few weeks as far as I know. I was brought up on the idea that you don't say anything when there's conflict and so that only leaves walking away. But I'm in my mid 30s now and I can't just keep walking away from people everytime they upset me...

So based on you responses; it is true that one friend was pregnant at the same time as me but lost her baby and thats got to be so shitty watching my stomach get bigger and then have the baby when she isnt. The other friend has been trying to get pregnant for at least 10 months now.

Then I guess I've been so preoccupied with my own stuff I have gone off the radar. I saw Friend 1 at a group today and she said Friend 2 was knackered but didn't want to tell me because it seemed insensitive saying that to a new mum...

I would say something, but the last thing I want is for them to feel they have to invite me every time. I want to be there because they want me there.

They have offered to look after DS when I've had another hospital appointment with ds2. They did invite me to a spa day and offer to change it from midweek to the weekend when DH can have the kids. Friend 1 arranged the baby shower for me...

So I guess I need to go for benefit of the doubt here but I think I'll also try and widen my circle a bit too (to cover all bases!)

Thanks for the feedback. And thanks for the info that week six is a high hormone week with lots more feeding-that explains a lot!!

Hoppitychicken, just seen your message. I so relate to what you put! It wouldn't entirely Suprise me if that was going on here.

I think they are probably meeting to discuss something that is private to them. It might be an issue relating to infertility, health or even something work related. I don't think it is necessarily any reflection on how they feel about you. It is more that they are getting the private part of their interaction out of the way before starting the social part, to which you are also invited.

I thinking keeping an eye on the situation whilst widening your circles is perfect. You can always walk away in 2 weeks, 2 months, whenever, if you feel it's right. Don't rush in it now because that's hard to take back.

It sounds like they are being sensitive of you then by meeting up to discuss their fertility. I don’t think it sounds like Hoppity at all - they don’t sound very nice. The main thing I think you need to be concerned about therefore is not to upset the woman, who miscarried. Your friend was very considerate and concerned when you brought it up. Don’t get paranoid.

It seems to me that they like you, they want to maintain the friendship and they enjoy getting together but maybe they are slightly closer or it's just less full on with only 2 kids there or they want to talk about trying to conceive. It's hurtful because it's right before you all meet, it probably wouldn't be as bad if it was a different time of the week. If you enjoy the level of friendship you have and they're nice people then I would try not to get hung up on the fact that they are doing this.

I honestly don’t think this is an issue. I completely understand that you find it hurtful, as it sounds as though they have forged a closer friendship with each other than they have with you. But that’s life, relationships ebb and flow. Three person friendships are always going to be a little more tricky simply because there’s always the risk of two people getting on better at any one time.

My friend and I were mates, we were joined by a third mum who was also a friend, but not such a good friend as myself and my first friend. So we would sometimes just meet as a two, and sometimes meet as a three. It was all absolutely fine until third friend decided she was cross that me and first friend sometimes met without her. We had all sorts of tantrums from her but just carried on trying to be sociable as we used to do. Eventually she seems to have phased out friend one from her social circle and kept me in it. Me and friend one have just carried on as before and to be honest we just roll our eyes at the crazy friend three sometimes inflicts on us.

It’s really not worth the drama. Just try and be friendly and let other people be friendly.