to feel so deeply changed by an event

[simplythepest]

I’ve been thinking a great deal about this recently and have toyed with posting about it and asking if anyone has ever felt the same way.

About 2 years ago my dad took unwell very suddenly. I won’t go into the details but suffice to say he ended up in intensive care and then ended up on a lift support machine. We were told on a good few occasions that we should prepare that he wouldn’t make it. At the time I was pregnant with my second DD and virtually ignored the pregnancy in the 8/9 weeks my dad was in hospital. I spent hours by his bedside and spent many nights with my mum while my DH and MIL and FIL picked up everything with my elder Dd when I wasn’t there (which I am so so so so grateful for)

Thankfully he pulled through - there has been some lasting damage but he leads a relatively normal lift.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I feel so utterly changed by this event. I feel like I had lived in a bubble up until that point and my life was totally ripped open. We’re two years down the line and I still feel very much like I am deeply upset and sad about it.

For instance tonight I was looking at pictures of my elder dd and showed them to my husband and one of my first thoughts when I looked at the date was “god that was before he took unwell...”

I find myself wondering if anyone else feels this way about certain things that have happened and, if so, how do you reconcile yourself with it?

For example, if my mum phones me I still go into a complete panic that something has happened because my mind goes back to that panicked phone call from her two years ago.

I hope someone can help me or let me know that I’m not alone.

Jeezo life! Not lift 🙈

I think it does happen to many, i know people in their 40s that havent experienced any loss or any threat of it and are somewhat naive to.the impact it can have, i know some who experienced it earlier and it shook them for a while. I lost a lot of family in my teens and its left me anxious and depressed where i can hardly leave the house without suffering.

I do believe it is a bubble that bursts for a lot of people

You are not alone. My dad had a heart attack abroad and was repatriated and was in hospital here for 3 weeks before he died.
I had truly had a blessed life until then but really hadn't seen it or appreciated it. Bad stuff happened to other people. It changed me utterly.

Big virtual hug from me, you're definitely not alone. That bubble bursting feeling, I had that when my grandfather passed away. Up until that point, I don't think anything truly bad had ever happened (charmed life, I know). After, it felt like all bets were off. Took me years to feel normal again, not the same as before but sort of a new equilibrium. All that is to say, be kind to yourself and give it time. Let other people support you. I've found it helpful to observe these feelings and just note them, not fight them, and eventually got to a point where they didn't throw me off as much. Wishing you all the best x

You’re not alone, unfortunately I can’t offer any particular advice. But my DH thinks exactly the same, panics every time his mum calls etc, it’s health anxiety I think and it’s not surprising. We went through a similar event and thankfully FIL is still here but it doesn’t stop the after affects for my DH. We’re trying to find some form of counsellor for him at the moment that can provide empathy rather than sympathy.
Just be kind to yourself and realise this is part of a process that is understandable that you’re going through. Pregnancy hormones wouldn’t of helped either. It really does change your life so I would perhaps suggest a trip to the doctor or privately searching for someone to really go through everything with you
You’ll get there eventually OP
There’s plenty of help available, but in the meantime please realise you’ve gone through a lot.
DH’s experience was around 4 years ago now so it really isn’t surprising you’re still feeling this way (this isn’t to say you will still feel like this in 2 years time, it’s just my DH has taken a while to coming around to needing to see someone)

Two years ago, my husband had a complete breakdown and ended up in a psychiatric hospital for several months. We don’t live near family and didn’t tell anyone.

The week he got out, my mother had a massive stroke and was in ICU 5 hours away from me. She pulled through, eventually. It was devastating.

I have very few memories of those months. I remember my washing machine leaking ferociously and crying because my husband wasn’t there to help me stop the water pouring across the kitchen. I remember getting the call from my dad to tell me to come home because my mother wasn’t due to make it through the night.

I went to work every day. I remember none of it. I visited my husband every day, I don’t remember if I walked, bussed, or flew to the hospital. I don’t remember visiting my mother in hospital, but I did.

I have so little recollection of a period of about six months. Even now, I find it hard to even remember what year all of this took place.

It was horrific. You have my sympathies, OP.

I think what catches my breath the most is now the knowledge that you can be having the most mundane and forgettable day and it’s suddenly blown apart.

I always think of that line from Baz Luhrman’s sunscreen song that “The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday..”

I know I need to come to terms with things and be thankful he’s still here but I honestly feel like my innocence has gone which is ridiculous because I’m a woman in my 30s!!

My dad had a life changing accident as well. He was very very lucky to survive (1% chance) but as a result, he is living with permanent damages, both physically and cognitively. He is not the same person. It happened when I was in my early twenties, almost 15 years ago. It’s changed me profoundly, but in a way not for the good. Before it happened, I was bubbly, sociable and happy. I can honestly say its made me quite unhappy as a person, upset for my dad for the life that he has lost (he was only 50), upset that my mum has lost the man she married, and upset that we don’t have a dad now that we can ring to get advice from or to help with DIY. I now describe memories as “pre dad’s accident” vs “post dad’s accident”. I find I’m constantly and obsessively yearning to go back to my teenage years as that is when I remember being happy. I’m wondering if it ever gets easier - I don’t think it will. I know when the day comes and my dad passes away, years of pent up feelings of subconscious grief will come pouring out, and I already know I won’t be able to handle it

This it's a totally normal response OP. I had similar thoughts after my Mum and Gran died in the same year. I was 16 and it shattered my life. Serious illness reminds us of our own mortality and that if our loved ones. Things will begin to normalise over time. I am a changed person after that particular year, but as well as the negative thoughts related to worry about my health and that of my loved ones, and that reaction to the phone ringing, I can see some positives, and over time I hope you will too. For example, I am more resilient, and more able to empathise with others in this situation. My relationship with other family members is stronger. Maybe you could talk to someone if you continue to struggle?

I understand. I had an ordinary day at work when I received a phonecall that blew my life apart. I still. Panic now whenever my mom calls. When you realise it could all be taken away in an instant life becomes terrifying but we simply could not live if we thought like that every day. There's a reason we forget and our brains start to worry about mundane stupid stuff again.

Sorry you've been through this OP. Make sure your loved ones know how you feel about them and try to live a happy life otherwise what's the point.

Being told I was almost certainly going to miscarry ds. And then being very casually told he was fine. And then the remaining 6 months of the pregnancy. Dd was 2 when it was happening.

When ds was 2 and turned into a “terrible twos” someone asked how dd had been at the same age and I couldn’t remember as all I remember about her being 2 was wondering when I would miscarry.

I totally get this. My dad had a health scare a few years ago around Christmas. We thought we didn't have long with him. I knew my parents would die some day, but it was like it had suddenly become real and not some abstract concept.

Thankfully he was fine, but last Christmas I saw an ornament the same as the ones he bought my sister and I during his health scare and I had a post traumatic reaction to it and sobbed in the middle of the shop.

I feel like things totally changed overnight.

I’ve read each one of these with a lump in my throat

Sometimes I feel terrible because I’m putting on a charade (or it at least feels like it) to the outside world when I feel so full of dread and fear at what I know will inevitably happen.

My dad died when I was a teenager. My life has very much been in 2 parts - before and after.

Do see if you can get some talking therapy. I had what turned out to be PTSD after a similar event. Therapy really helped me to process what happened.

You are not alone, though it feels like you are.

Heart wrenching for all with similar experiences. I'm so sorry for us all.

Yes. My FIL was rushed to hospital and expected to die just before Christmas. DH raced down to see him; I had to stay home with the kids, just waiting. Eventually turned out he had an operation, would be fine (as much as a man of his age can be), and DH came home for Christmas.

All my stress over Christmas vanished. I've known intellectually that having four parents age 80 to 82 means chances are they won't all last that long, but it's still a huge thing when it happens.

FIL himself was more affected by some events a few years ago which affected his movements a bit, as that was when he went from 100% healthy to not being; he doesn't remember this episode, thankfully. Whereas we knew he'd be 'OK' after the previous thing, but it changed his view of himself profoundly.

My nephew was diagnosed with leukaemia at the age of 3, we are so lucky that he is now 5 years in remission but during his treatment there are so many children that my sister got to know who passed away, I wish that my head could still be buried in the sand.

Although it was my nephew and not my own children, what he went through and seeing all those children die has brought with it the sense that I can never know that my children will grow up and be healthy, that at any point they could be snatched from my hands, it is something that I desperately wish I could shake but I just can't.

When I say that I don't mean I live my life with them in fear but the thought is never far from the back of my mind.

I had a bubble bursting event, I was 19 and my 17 year old cousin died, she was on life support and her parents had to switch her life support machine off due to her being brain dead. We were all there as a family to support my Aunt and younger cousins. I very much went off the rails over the next year, I was very deeply affected. It was a turning point in my life and something I will never forget!

I second @FlibbertyGiblets with seeking some counselling to work through it.

My DS almost died at 3 weeks old last year and it's totally changed me. I spent 6 months having psychology counselling and in Mirtazapine to work through it. I am better than I was but I am not the same and it's battered my confidence.

Whenever someone tells me to sit down so they can talk to me, I fear the worst. My dad died when I was a teenager and it has left an imprint on my heart and soul that will never leave me. Ive had counselling, I am not dwelling on it or depressed, but I am no longer able to feel carefree for fear I am once again enjoying life while a loved one lies dead somewhere alone, one part of my brain is always pulling me back to ground

You're not alone.

Several years ago my DD became suddenly and very seriously (life-threateningly) ill and we spent quite some time in hospital before she thankfully made a full recovery. It certainly changed my outlook on life. It's scary just how quickly the rug can be pulled out from under your feet.

I think it's very normal but also sad. My bubble burst as a child when my father died suddenly so I feel I've lived all my life with a sense that you can lose someone you love in an instant. It has affected how I relate to my family, keeping everyone at a slight distance in case I lose them.

I think it's important to feel these feelings and talk about them. Therapy is not a bad suggestion although it can feel odd if you don't feel at a crisis point, it's so helpful just to talk.

The fact that you were pregnant when this all happened surely magnified it too. That's two massive life events happening at the same time, with very mixed emotions.

Yes my dms death changed me i became much harder more realistic-life isnt always pretty and happy real shit goes on

I know i will losr alot more people but from diagnosis to her passing was 5 months if that and she'd never been ill before so i think it just made me realise it can happen to anyone

I have had two bubble bursting events. A very very sick child in intensive care for two months (fine now) and my mother dying while I was nearly twelve hours away and not being able to fly back before she passed away. People tell me not to dwell on the what ifs but is much easier said than done.