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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sad they have separated

48 replies

whatacrapusername2306 · 14/05/2019 21:40

I know damn well IABU Confused
DD 18 has just separated from her boyfriend. I know for definite on her part it is completely over. He became a big part of our lives as we all spend a lot of time together as a family. He has had a truly awful upbringing. Was around drugs, abuse etc all through his childhood and so much more. Completely loveless home. He has turned out amazingly well all things considered, but has real confidence issues. Painfully shy. He has never known anything like what we have as a family and I ‘mothered’ him like he was my own. Simple things like washing his clothes and buying him toiletries to keep at our house. He was so appreciative of this that at the beginning and couldn’t quite get his head around that family is actually like that. So, in a nutshell he is devastated over the split and I feel dreadfully sorry for him. I can’t stop worrying about him and stupidly I I am missing him as if it was one of my kids.

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 14/05/2019 21:48

I hope you haven't discussed this with your daughter. She needs her mum to be on her side at the moment.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/05/2019 21:51

That’s sad and he clearly enormously benefited from the experience of your family
Has he got any family ?

IAmTheChosenOne · 14/05/2019 21:51

I think its understandable - but please don't voice it to your daughter just yet.

Original poster
whatacrapusername2306 · 14/05/2019 21:51

No, I wouldn’t say anything to her. It’s her life and her choice. I know my boundaries Grin but can’t help how I am feeling though.

OP posts:
ItsHardToExplain · 14/05/2019 21:53

Of course you will miss him if he’s been an important part of your family Smile, it sounds like you really care for him.

NoSquirrels · 14/05/2019 21:53

Flowers OP.

It’s OK to feel that way. Your DD does need your unconditional unilateral support in her decision, but it’s OK to feel sad.

Is it an ‘amicable’ sort of a split - no fault on either side just run its course?

Original poster
whatacrapusername2306 · 14/05/2019 21:54

He lives with a family member, but not a loving upbringing and absolutely no support

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/05/2019 21:56

I felt similar when my daughter split with her first serious boyfriend

He wasn't that great as a long term prospect and I was glad it didn't last but I felt really upset for quite a while. Our family was the nearest thing to normality he had known and he lost all that in one fell swoop

Wauden · 14/05/2019 21:58

Maybe in some way you can find out how he is. You sound a caring person. Maybe he misses you, too.

JaneEyre07 · 14/05/2019 22:03

It's so hard because you take them into your family and your hearts, and whilst I've always completely respected my DD's decisions about BFs and they've always made the right call, it's been really hard to lose someone very special out of our lives too especially if they didn't have a great family to support them too.

It's an odd part of parenting that no one really talks about too.

Springisallaround · 14/05/2019 22:05

I can understand this. Of course support your dd and don't let her know how you feel, but normal to feel attached to a teen you have been partly parenting for a year, especially when it has meant a lot to them (and therefore to you).

Louloubelle78 · 14/05/2019 22:05

That's sad. Maybe wait for the dust to settle. They may become friends. Further down the line you could ask your daughter's permission to contact him and see if he is OK. If she says no you have to respect that though.

dalmatianmad · 14/05/2019 22:06

Oh gosh I can completely relate to this, dd's first serious boyfriend had a shit upbringing.
We took him on a big holiday last year, he virtually lived at our house.

I was distraught when they split up, I was so worried about what would happen to him. I'm still in touch with him and he's doing ok, he's just met another girl.
Try and be there for your dd, she's the important one, you can keep check on him from a distant?

Aquamarine1029 · 14/05/2019 22:07

Trust in your daughter's judgement. There may be sides to this young man you haven't seen.

HBStowe · 14/05/2019 22:07

Aww, it’s totally understandable why you’re sad. Hope you’re ok Flowers

DorisDances · 14/05/2019 22:08

Yes, we had similar and it was a wrench. Not an easy one

cakeandchampagne · 14/05/2019 22:08

It was so kind of you to mother him. Flowers

PumpkinPie2016 · 14/05/2019 22:11

Although it is your daughter's decision, I can understand you feeling sad and you sound like a lovely person.

Maybe ask your daughter if she would be ok with you keeping in touch with him (I you want to) so you can still provide some support for him.

How old is he? Might he be going off to uni in Sept? That may give him a break too.

Original poster
whatacrapusername2306 · 14/05/2019 22:13

Thank you for your lovely replies. Her choice to separate, she said she felt more like his mate in the end no a girlfriend. No hard feelings between them at all, but I know he still wants her back. Not going to happen. I don’t want to keep asking her about him either as she’s moving on.

OP posts:
BurpingFrog · 14/05/2019 22:13

OP, this must be very tough for you.

Remember, though, that you have helped him enormously by showing him what a loving and respectful family can be like. That is something he wouldn't have known if not for you, and it's something that he will have with him now for the rest of his life.

bridgetreilly · 14/05/2019 22:14

It's possible that he can still be friends with your family even if he isn't going out with your daughter. I would give it a little while until things have calmed down, and then talk to her and see how she would feel about that. Explain why you are still concerned for him, and that you're not doing it in order to pressure them back together.

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 14/05/2019 22:15

I can totally see how you would feel the way you do. Is there was way to keep him close but respectbuoru daughter's decision?
It's all well and good implying that you should put your dd first (which you should) but this lad is clearly missing a family, which you have provided.

NoSquirrels · 14/05/2019 22:15

Can you send him a proper old-fashioned card? Carefully worded, but to let him know you care?

rupple · 14/05/2019 22:17

I stopped getting attached after about the 5th one. It gets a lot easier once they leave home.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 14/05/2019 22:23

This sounds like me and my exdp- he was the one with family etc, I was the one with the shit upbringing. We ended up having a dc at 19, later split etc. But we’ve remained good friends, and his family are my family. I go for meals with his mum, sleep there when we have a ‘wine night’, stay at his sisters etc. Luckily dp and exdp2 understands and is happy with this, I think many men would run! They showed me what a family was, how you could argue and forgive with violence, what it meant to support each other. I love them to bits and will always be grateful for what they taught me in those 5 years before dc was born. It definitely taught me how to be a good mum!

Ds19 has been with his gf for 5 years and she too is part of our family. Anything we do she is included in without a second thought. If they split I will shed a tear or two, I don’t deny that.

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