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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sad they have separated

48 replies

whatacrapusername2306 · 14/05/2019 21:40

I know damn well IABU
DD 18 has just separated from her boyfriend. I know for definite on her part it is completely over. He became a big part of our lives as we all spend a lot of time together as a family. He has had a truly awful upbringing. Was around drugs, abuse etc all through his childhood and so much more. Completely loveless home. He has turned out amazingly well all things considered, but has real confidence issues. Painfully shy. He has never known anything like what we have as a family and I ‘mothered’ him like he was my own. Simple things like washing his clothes and buying him toiletries to keep at our house. He was so appreciative of this that at the beginning and couldn’t quite get his head around that family is actually like that. So, in a nutshell he is devastated over the split and I feel dreadfully sorry for him. I can’t stop worrying about him and stupidly I I am missing him as if it was one of my kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatacrapusername2306 · 14/05/2019 22:23

Honestly don’t think I would have got so attached if it wasn’t for his upbringing. That’s the part that makes it sad for me. Almost like he has been let down again.

OP posts:

JazzersMaw · 14/05/2019 22:26

I felt very sad for a while after one of my sons and his gf split up. They were both 18 and had been together for a few years, since 15/16. She didn’t have the problem family you’ve described your daughter’s ex having, but I missed seeing her about and having her come to our house. After a while they can become like a member of the household. For you, OP, it must be harder but I can’t think of anything that’ll help. Just time really. I can’t imagine a situation where you’d want to keep in touch with him either as that would be wrong for the relationship with your daughter. In many ways we parents just have to accept that teenage relationships often don’t last.

PlatypusPie · 14/05/2019 22:26

I remember being very sad , after the final break up of a tumultuous student relationship, that I wouldn’t see my ex’s lovely mother any more. I was glad to have had her in my life, even if it wasn’t for the longer term. I’m sure this boy will think back to you with gratitude and affection.

Fluffymullet · 14/05/2019 22:27

You have played an important part in his life by showing him how a loving family should be. Hopefully this will help him escape his own loveless family and let him realise he is worthy of love and care. Your DD has shown him an exciting future. Hope they stay friends and he does well x

kateandme · 14/05/2019 22:36

maybe once its all settled you can have a conversation with your dd.just gently.she will no of his past obviouly so will have been/be concerned for his wellbeing.so just be honest with her about that.she an adult if it amicable i dont see the probelm with voicing a concern over someone who was a big part of your life and vice verca.also by then you too will have come through this raw feeling..

lightlypoached · 14/05/2019 22:36

we had similar. we keep in touch and have been guarantor for his flat at uni. sad that kids have such a bad start. i'm sure he'll appreciate your position and as long as you don't 'take sides' there's no reason you can't stay in touch.

Qweenbee · 14/05/2019 23:02

I'd send him a card wishing him well in the future and to believe in himself.

caringcarer · 14/05/2019 23:05

My Mum and Dad were always very kind to my youngest sisters boyfriend when they were at Sixth Form. She split up with him and went off to uni. The ex boyfriend continued to come around each week for dinner and occasionally popped in for a cup of tea at weekend. My sister found new boyfriend and did not care.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/05/2019 23:12

As the breakup appears to have been amicable, you may well be able to stay on friendly terms with this lad after things have settled down. You can't really do more than maybe send him a nice card or good-wishes email at the moment, though: you don't want to be in a position where he thinks he can persuade you to persuade DD to take him back or anything. She has the right to reject him as a partner and move on and you do owe her more loyalty than you do him, at the moment.
You will have helped him already with your kindness to him.

TheBigFatMermaid · 14/05/2019 23:38

Given that she chose to break up and she says je is more lie a friend, he sounds as though he would still need support, how would she feel bout embracing him as a friend of the family? So you could still continue to support him in some way?

Original poster

whatacrapusername2306 · 16/05/2019 09:08

Little update....I sent him a message (he replied instantly) to say if he needs any support in the future, we would always be here for him. I didn’t want to touch on the relationship part, even though he said he is heartbroken. He was beyond grateful for me reaching out to him.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 16/05/2019 15:40

Ah - I'm glad you sent him a message. You sound lovely. Of course you cannot comment on anything to do with your DD's decision but it is so nice you've let him know you still care for him.

HomeMadeMadness · 16/05/2019 15:44

You sound lovely OP. I hope there's a way, in time, to stay in touch with him while respecting your daughter's feelings. I imagine whatever happens from now on he'll have benefited from being a part of your healthy, loving family.

pilates · 16/05/2019 15:48

Hopefully he will have learnt from your close family values and strive to have that in the future. I can understand how you feel though 😔

AlyssasBackRolls · 16/05/2019 15:56

There's nothing to prevent you being a friendly influence going forward. Obv it might get awkward if your daughter starts seeing someone else and he's popping round to use the washing machine so a few boundaries are probably appropriate but I think it's lovely that you've been caring about this young man.

My friend grew up in foster care and has many much older friends to this day who were the friends and extended family from his placements. They too keep tabs on him, share his successes etc. Like a bunch of bonus aunties! Everyone I see a facebook post there's all these mums and aunties and uncles commenting supportively. You can keep an eye on this lad too I'm sure.

higgyhog · 16/05/2019 16:03

I felt like this when DS2 was dumped b his second girlfriend. I felt she had dumped me too! I really liked her and looked forward to her coming round, in fact it has brought a tear to my eye even now thinking about it. Her parents were lovely too.

Lweji · 16/05/2019 16:10

In future, maybe try not to mother your DD's boyfriend?
Did she end up seeing him as a helpless baby rather than an adult partner?

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/05/2019 16:17

Bless you. I think you’ve done the right thing.

speakout · 16/05/2019 16:34

Trust in your daughter's judgement. There may be sides to this young man you haven't seen

Wise words. Don't expect to get all the details from your DD.

Tootyfilou · 16/05/2019 16:34

Lweji you sound an absolute fucking charmer.
Well done OP for reaching out, you could genuinely have changed his life by your kindness. I felt similar with DS last girlfriend who had a very dysfunctional family . I have kept in touch, with DS's permission as I wanted her to know we were there for her in a crisis.

MyFamilyAndOtherAnimals1 · 16/05/2019 16:45

That sounds so sad OP.
But for goodness sake, don't mention anything to your dd.
-from my own experience with my own 'd'm, having a mother invested in the boyfriend that you really don't want to be around (perhaps for a certain, specific reason that they don't feel able to tell you about) is awful.

shhhFFS · 16/05/2019 16:58

As much as this is absolutely not the norm by DP is still very in touch with the parents of his ex when he was 18. This was due to a good almost family like bond, he had family but was living far away from at the time.

He has absolutely nothing to do with ex (now married and kids etc so he's told) but her parents come and visit DP, send Xmas and birthday cards etc and now they come and visit us at home with our DCs.

I found it a little odd at first but they are lovely people and they simply cared and liked DP enough to want to carry on that relationship. The relationship ended some 10+years ago now.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 16/05/2019 17:29

Well done OP for handling the situation with sensitivity and compassion. I've been through similar with my teenagers' various breakups. I was broken hearted when my DS split up with one pagicular gf. I also have taken in various teenagers whose homelife has been less than good, one friend of my youngest lived with us for a few months. Takes a village to raise a child I believe. It is difficult when they move on, you get attached, but it sounds as if he can remain in touch with you. You will have played a very important role in his life.

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