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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel really hurt and ashamed by this?

32 replies

Georgiedoyle92 · 14/05/2019 14:11

I’m 26 now but when I was 21 (yes, 5 whole years ago) I went on a graduate ski trip with my job at the time. My boyfriend then is still my boyfriend now which will be relevant shortly. I had literally just started in the job and didn’t know anyone so ended up drinking stupid amounts each night. I have no memory (and had no memory at the time) of ever getting with anyone, one night I did wake up in a room with 4 boys having been sick and unable to find my way back to my room but I absolutely know nothing sexual or flirty happened, I pretty much just collapsed. Of course I am embarrassed and ashamed about this sort of behaviour although am in a different job now and have been sober for over a year. However, since then one of boys that I was sharing the room with has messaged me on FB/Instagram saying really insinuating things, as if he knows my ‘secret’. At the time when we were both still working at the company he was never anything but friendly but since we have both left he has messaged me saying things like ‘I got a blow job in the lift on that ski trip - good times’ & ‘I had a real crush on you and still do’ & ‘how’s your boyfriend ;)’ I have always politely brushed him off but recently he messaged me again saying how much he thought about me etc and I thought enough is enough, I said to him I don’t mean to be rude but you’re making me feel really uncomfortable and I have a boyfriend so please stop sending me these kinds of messages. His response was ‘you had a boyfriend then though...’ I blocked and deleted him but his comment has made me wonder, does he know something I don’t? Or does he just want to make me feel that way? I’m half tempted to unblock him and ask him what he is actually referring to as it really is playing on my mind. I am 99.99% sure I did not kiss him or anyone else and if I did I would have been actually black out wasted - as I say I feel shit enough when I think back to it but why on earth does he feel the need to bring it up 5years later? I’m worried now I’ll have antagonised him enough to message my bf and ‘tell’ him, though tell him WHAT I don’t know!

OP posts:

nowifi · 14/05/2019 14:20

I wouldn't respond anymore or have any kind of interaction with him. Sounds like he holds a torch for you, is a weirdo and wants to get in your head. A bit worrying that you can't remember what happened but he has no right to message you at all. Ignore ignore ignore!

EnglishRose13 · 14/05/2019 14:21

Stop responding.

Do not unblock.

Put it to the back of your mind.

If he does get in touch again, ignore.

You're feeding into his game by acknowledging him at all.

RantyAnty · 14/05/2019 14:23

Completely ignore.

He's just trying to mess with you.
He's a jerk

IAmTheChosenOne · 14/05/2019 14:24

If you cant remember, then there was no consent - that makes him a rapist. If he reappears, you might like to drop that nugget into conversation.

What he's doing is blackmailing you, and thats illegal too.

Do not unblock, because that's just engaging with him.

HollowTalk · 14/05/2019 14:27

I would unblock him to say "Are you saying you raped me?" And keep evidence of anything he writes, of course.

TeaForTheWin · 14/05/2019 14:27

I think you did the right thing blocking. The then when comment was probably just to keep you talking. Bet if you replied to ask what he was referring to he would be all cryptic like 'you know ;)'.

It sounds like he was implying you were the one who gave him a blowjob in the lift, way back when he was talking about it. I think you'd remember that though xD ...maybe he was so drunk that he thought it was you xD.

Either way, he is a proper creepy git. Keep him blocked and avoid avoid avoid.

yearinyearout · 14/05/2019 14:29

Iamthechosenone makes a very good point. If you feel the need to ask him what he's getting at it would be well worth mentioning that you didn't consent to anything and see how fast he backtracks.
You need to let it go, whatever did or didn't happen. Most of us have done something we regret when drunk (sexual or otherwise) and it doesn't do us any good to give it headspace.

Ginkypig · 14/05/2019 14:49

Just from what you have written if anything did happen then it was rape or at the very least sexual assault! Not that either is worse than the other but in law they are different.

You were quite simply unable to consent.

He is now blackmailing or harassing you.

I'd be seriously considering going to the police, in fact I would almost certainly go to the police because if nothing else it will have them involved and in turn likely be enough to stop the harassment.

Quartz2208 · 14/05/2019 14:54

yes you have no memory of it happening.

So I agree respond back as PP have said

Whatisthisfuckery · 14/05/2019 14:56

OP I’d just ignore him. If he finds you on any other platforms then tell him you have no memory of doing anything with him, so if he did have the bj he claims then it was rape, and raping a women when she’s blotto isn’t a good look, So it’s best left in the past where it belongs, then re-block.

Butterymuffin · 14/05/2019 15:03

Completely ignore. He is clearly not well balanced about this so you couldn't ever trust his word about anything that happened anyway. Write him off as a stalker and treat him accordingly. Tell him and anyone else who ever asks that you've made it very clear you're not interested in him, and you can only assume his behaviour is a result of annoyance at being rejected.

AlaskanOilBaron · 14/05/2019 15:05

I'm really sorry to hear this OP, I can completely appreciate how upsetting this must be but - he's really grasping at straws. You have nothing at stake here. Block him and move on.

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/05/2019 15:05

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. He needs to be careful what he is saying

Boysey45 · 14/05/2019 15:05

Hes trying to fuck with your head which is something a psychopath would do.
I'd keep him blocked and if he tried to contact me again via a different name/ account etc. Then I'd tell him I was going to the Police and I would.
You cant be having him trying to upset you all the time OP.

lilabet2 · 14/05/2019 15:08

I agree with Hollowtalk's suggestion i.e. stating: "I had had so much to drink that nothing happened that I consented to, so what exactly happened?' as that will pre-empt anything else he might do (e.g. contacting your BF).

Greatbigterribleshart · 14/05/2019 15:14

If he contacts you again tell him to stop contacting you.
If he contacts after that it becomes harrassment and you can go to the police. He sounds unhinged.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 14/05/2019 15:20

Ignore, if he keeps on then message back and say 'this is concerning to me, I have no recollection of what you're talking about. Are you are saying you did something to me while I was unable to consent because if you are then I will need to contact the police'. You probably won't see him for dust after that.

Mumsymumphy · 14/05/2019 15:21

If it's really bothering you then unblock him and text him:

"I have discussed this at length with my partner. Yes I was drunk that night. However, I passed out and know that nothing untoward happened. Consequently, as you are stating something happened between me and you, then I did not give consent and therefore it is rape.
We both are of the opinion that, by the fact you have chosen to message me 5 years after the ski trip took place that you are stalking me. Your messages, at best, amount to harassment and worst, admit to raping me. Desist from contacting me ever again or you will leave me with no choice but to go to the police and press charges for harassment, stalking {and possibly blackmail if he goes down that route??} and a possible sexual assault and/or rape charge."

This should have 1 of 2 outcomes: he is scared witless and you never hear from him again OR he proves himself to be a verified creep and continues to message you.
In which case, go to the police and tell them everything.

LillithsFamiliar · 14/05/2019 15:22

Just ignore. Are you friends with any of the others who were in the room? If so, and you can trust them, then I'd ask them what happened. As PPs have said if you were too drunk to remember then you were too drunk to consent but it might give you peace of mind if someone else tells you what happened.

Piffle11 · 14/05/2019 15:27

Scumbag. He knows nothing happened but is dropping hints and acting the way he is to try and engage you in conversation. Block him and forget about it: if he doesn't stop then think about doing what others have suggested and try and scare him off. He's a creep.

Walkaround · 14/05/2019 15:28

He's a pervert. Do not engage with him.

Myworstnightmare123 · 14/05/2019 15:42

I would be inclined to message him and state very clearly that as you have no memory of any events of a sexual nature on the trip because you were drunk then any indication from him otherwise would be classed as rape. And suggest if he continues you will report him to the police either as a rapist or a witness ...... he can choose. What an absolute prize cunt. Im fucking furious on your behalf.

DeaflySilence · 14/05/2019 15:44

"If you cant remember, then there was no consent - that makes him a rapist. If he reappears, you might like to drop that nugget into conversation."

This ^

"What he's doing is blackmailing you, and thats illegal too."

And this ^

Tell the police he is harassing you.

SunshineCake · 14/05/2019 15:48

I've only read the OP but my gut is wondering if he did something to you and he is worried you'll report him.

Pinotjo · 14/05/2019 15:50

I agree to ignore him, if he persists I'd go down the route of telling him you were unable to consent so it would be rape or sexual assault. He's messing with you, doubt he'd tell your partner anything if he thought you would report him to police. Put it out of your head, were all allowed to make mistakes but we're not allowed to harass or stalk people

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