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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to work

51 replies

DinkyTie · 14/05/2019 09:40

Well as hard and as many hours as I always have?

Dh in new role is now the higher earner, his job is really demanding and doesn't offer much flexibility to be helpful to me with childcare.

We have always both worked FT and juggled childcare between us but we have moved and both our new jobs are an hour on the train plus 10 min walk either end.

I have a temporary role that has great flexibility and pays good enough, but no idea how long it will go on for.

Have just been offered a role after being headhunted on really crazy money but will require a lot of commitment.

But I've lost my mojo for a stellar career at the moment. I want to work, keep my toe in but a good 2 levels down suits for the time being.

We have 2 DC.

Aibu to turn it down? Will I regret it? I feel like at my age (early 40s) can I afford to let this opportunity go?

OP posts:

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 14/05/2019 09:46

You will get a mixture of responses depending on people's individual situations and priorities. Only you know how important you career is to you, how fulfilling you find it and whether you are willing to sacrifice some of your earning power for an easier life.

Personally, I gave up a relatively well paid, but very stressful career as a senior HCP in the NHS and am now much happier for it. My current job doesn't pay much but is term time only, 4 days a week, I never have to work evenings, travel or take work home with me and more importantly, I love it. I have a good work/life balance for the first time in my adult life which, to me, is worth the financial sacrifice but I know it wouldn't suit everyone and I'm lucky that DH earns enough that I could make that choice.

DerrenBrownings · 14/05/2019 09:48

Do it. See how it goes. Then change back down to something less demanding if it's too much. You cant afford not to try it is my personal view in my life with jobs. It's not forever you can just try it and see.

IceRebel · 14/05/2019 09:48

My response depends on the age of your children. If they're late primary / early teens then I would 100% go for the new role. You've been headhunted, so presumably you can be a little more persuasive about flexibility?

If your children are still pre-school age / due to start school soon then I would be more hesitant, as the current flexible role might be better for sickness / staggered school starts etc.

Sonicknuckles · 14/05/2019 09:49

What would the commute be like for new role?

Original poster

DinkyTie · 14/05/2019 10:07

Dc are 8 and 3. I've negotiated 2 days wfh but I've currently got 2 days wfh and 2 in the office with 1 day off. I've never worked pt and, I'm really enjoying it!

I think it's harder to take it and see, once you're in a perm role you really need to stick it for 18 months, whereas a temp role gives me flexibility to dip in and out of the workforce.

Commute would be an extra 15 mins one way.

OP posts:

TraceyLP · 14/05/2019 10:07

From your post it sounds like you don’t want this new job and that your household manages well financially without it so I would say don’t take it. More money isn’t always better if it comes at the expense of quality of life. Talk it through with your husband.

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 14/05/2019 10:10

Would the extra money allow you and DH to move house again, to a shorter commute? This is a good age to move with kids, easier now than when the youngest is starting primary and the oldest is starting secondary.

goodwinter · 14/05/2019 10:11

I can't tell you what to do, but don't feel like you have to commit for years if you take the job! As long as your CV isn't full of positions you've taken and then quit soon after, you can afford to have a short stay this time.

thetonsillolith · 14/05/2019 10:12

People will tell you that you must work on here.

I don't work. My husband's job has long and irregular hours and we have two small kids and no family help nearby. He earns enough to support us.

I built a career in education that I was not at all sad to leave behind. It made me ill.

I receive benefits for my disabled child, and Carers Allowance for myself. That's my income, and pay for therapies and treats like holidays etc.

I don't know how I'd manage work and my two DCS's. The autistic one is very very full on.

I'm not ashamed to not be in work. But it's taken me a long time to get to that place.

Original poster

DinkyTie · 14/05/2019 10:14

I don't really want it Tracey but AIBU for feeling this way, should I suck it up and work work work.

We could buy a bigger house, travel more, retire earlier. There's good reasons to aim high, but I just can't make those reasons work for me anymore.

Should my AIBU be asking for help to get career motivated again??

OP posts:

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 14/05/2019 10:15

I'd take it see how it goes, stick it out for twelve months then make a decision. It's better to have the senior experience than not, I don't mean this rudely but if you were in your twenties you could just postpone that kind of promotion, but at your stage it could have s limiting impact. If you never want to take on that kind of role or you're not fussed about career progression it doesn't matter, but I wonder why you'd apply for it if you weren't at least a bit ambitious?

BigChocFrenzy · 14/05/2019 10:21

Retiring earlier will really matter to you both when the time comes

I'd take it, give it a fair chance, say a year
At least it'll then be great for your CV and give more possibilities, if you want to downgrade your career later

adaline · 14/05/2019 10:27

Mumsnet will tell you that you have to work and that your career really needs to come first no matter what.

I have a management career but I have no interest in progressing further. I have good hours, flexibility insofar as I can pick my days off and leave early or start late when necessary. If I went further up I would get a pay rise, sure, but my work/life balance would vanish and I'd much rather have less money and more free time!

If you can afford to stall your career slightly then why not?! Yes, money is important but it's not the be all and end all of life.

Original poster

DinkyTie · 14/05/2019 10:29

Interesting, more say take it!

Why can I downgrade my career later (in a year or so) but shouldn't now? Genuine question, as I know it sounds arsey.

There will always be a reason to take the money, up until I have to retire. I think that's how we're programmed now.

OP posts:

IceRebel · 14/05/2019 10:32

Why can I downgrade my career later (in a year or so) but shouldn't now?

Your current position is temporary, so presumably at some point you will need to look for another job. Potentially by taking this new role you'll be more desirable in the future, as you have more senior experience.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 14/05/2019 10:33

It doesn't sound as if both of you being in high-fyling high-commitment long-hours jobs will be particularly sustainable for your family life.

How does your dh feel about his job? Is he enjoying it? How would he feel about taking a step down/back? How feasible would it be? if he is feeling the pressure and fancies a step down, you could consider taking the role and seeing how it goes. If he's loving it, then you might decide it's your time for a step down.

If you've been headhunted, you can afford to make some demands - the worst they can do is say no.

I've generally been the one to work flexibly in our marriage and I love it, but my work is about providing a specialist skill rather than climbing a career/management ladder, and I've never enjoyed office/corporate environments.

catflapuk · 14/05/2019 10:35

You need to find your priorities. Your kids are young, and if you enjoy the current arrangement then why give it up? Life is too short to chase money and miss out on time with your family. What does a bigger house or more holidays give you? You will just depend on material stuff more. Do what makes you happy now and works for your family. You are not jeopardizing your future if you do not take this job. You don't know if this job will allow you to retire early. All sorts of other things could happen in between. I would not think that far ahead.

Benes · 14/05/2019 10:36

Personally I would take it but i'm very career motivated and don't see why my DH should get to progress his career while mine suffers.

For me it's not all about money - it's about women not being disadvantaged in terms of career development because they've had children.

But that's my personal view and we're lucky to both have flexible employers which does make a huge difference.

LaDameAuxLicornes · 14/05/2019 10:37

Have you talked it over with DH and told him about your mixed feelings? What does he think?

TraceyLP · 14/05/2019 10:38

Life isn’t all about work and money though. If you wanted a bigger house and more holidays enough then you would be motivated to do the job. It’s called the rat race - and if you are on that tread mill and when is enough enough?

My husband is a part time teacher (3 days). I am an overnight Carer (3 shifts at 27 hours). We have to budget carefully but get the odd weekend away, go camping, national trust and English heritage memberships, my older kid does loads of out of school activities, school camp, cub camp .....

My husband sometimes feels he should be a full time bread winner (full time teaching). I tell him if he were I would have to quit as I need his help and we would be no better off financially (my kids are 9 and 16 months) as I can’t work overnight/sleep and manage alone with a baby and childcare would take so much of my wages that I then couldn’t be bothered. There is a cost to working more and for my husband it would be going from seeing his kids for half of his (and their week) to seeing them in any meaningful way one day at the weekend and being much more tired and stressed.

As my little one gets older my husband could go full time but I would rather he didn’t. It would be 7.30 am - 7 pm days with more work after tea and work on the weekend leaving no time for life and the pay off of more expensive weekend activity or holiday would not be worth it IMO.

If you know what is right for you and your family don’t be afraid to do it because of what “others” will think. They are not walking in your shoes.

RosaWaiting · 14/05/2019 10:45

when your immediate instinct is to say no, I'd say no.

adaline · 14/05/2019 10:46

Personally I would take it but i'm very career motivated and don't see why my DH should get to progress his career while mine suffers.

But not everyone feels the same way you do. For most people, a job is a job and they aren't especially interested in promotions, or in working long hours.

If my DH wanted a career, that would be fine, but I wouldn't be impressed if he expected me to want the same. So long as a family is comfortable and can manage financially I don't see why a career is any kind of necessity.

givemesteel · 14/05/2019 10:46

I agree with a pp. They've head-hunted you. Talk to them about what can be done to make the job suit you best, whatever that is. Can you negotiate at least one day working from home? Condense your hours so you fit 5 days of hours in to 4 days so you then get one day off? More holiday so you have more time off in school holidays?

Obviously you won't get all of those things so depends on your priorities. But think it's at least worth the chat with them to see if you can agree something that works for both of you.

By the way, having worked on a lot of temp contracts (on a professional role) I will say that you can lose your mojo quite easily as you don't really feel that invested in your career. It might take bring in a perm role with a jew challenge to get your mojo back. But of course that won't help if you fundamentally dislike what you do.

sansou · 14/05/2019 10:46

What is the likelihood of this opportunity coming up again?

Your current role is temporary! If you don't take the job, you would have to look for another role in any event presumeably.

Take the job - give it a go. You don't want to look back and go "What if....?"

What's the worse that can happen? If it's not for you, you go back to the status quo. You have nothing to lose and much to gain.

Original poster

DinkyTie · 14/05/2019 10:47

you are not jeopardizing your future if you do not take this job

That's it! You've just pointed out what I was subconsciously thinking. And now I've read this, I'm no longer sure it wouldn't.

OP posts:

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