AIBU to not want to work

[DinkyTie]

Well as hard and as many hours as I always have?

Dh in new role is now the higher earner, his job is really demanding and doesn't offer much flexibility to be helpful to me with childcare.

We have always both worked FT and juggled childcare between us but we have moved and both our new jobs are an hour on the train plus 10 min walk either end.

I have a temporary role that has great flexibility and pays good enough, but no idea how long it will go on for.

Have just been offered a role after being headhunted on really crazy money but will require a lot of commitment.

But I've lost my mojo for a stellar career at the moment. I want to work, keep my toe in but a good 2 levels down suits for the time being.

We have 2 DC.

Aibu to turn it down? Will I regret it? I feel like at my age (early 40s) can I afford to let this opportunity go?

I'd be tempted to take it and work at saving money and extra in my retirement funds. An au pair or part-time nanny would give you flexibility. After two years you can evaluate where you're all at.

If the organisation is quite progressive, might you be able to negotiate part time in the new role?

I work part time 3 days office (2 finishing at 4), 1short day at home and 1 day off altogether. People tend to initially assume it is a ‘little’ job but it isn’t. I am lucky enough to work somewhere that recognises what I do and I work hard to ensure the lack of hours don’t impact. I’ve got some good people working for me so I mainly drive, set direction, review and manage which I can do part time.

I think I have got the best of both worlds, an interesting, challenging, well paid job but a great work life balance and I would recommend aiming for that.

How do people manage when you’re both over an hour away from where your dc are? I’ve lost count of the “he’s sick come and collect him” calls from school and nursery, even one “we’ve called an ambulance can you get to the hospital” call and the 20 min drive there felt like forever.

It’s not always as easy to ‘downgrade your career’ as people seem to think. Employers can be wary of people who are over-qualified, thinking that you’ll be frustrated in a lower level role and/or on to something higher paid as soon as it comes up.

I think you should stay where you are. If you’ve been headhunted for a bigger role now, there’s no reason that you couldn’t find one in a year or two if you get the urge. And you’re early 40s, not early 60s - plenty of time to get back on the career horse if you want to (but a long time to regret it if you do it now when you don’t want to).

Having worked mostly full time for over 40 years I'd say if you have the chance not to work, take it. I didn't need to work at one stage in my life but I chose to and I massively regret not taking that time out. All of our lives would have been so much easier.

That's why i said it was my personal view adaline

Not everyone is careers motivated but we see it time and time again...women sacrificing careers because their husbands careers come first/aren't compatible with family life/ pays more. Not all women choose this willingly and this needs to challenged.

@Tunnockswafer we will mainly have family as childcare when I go back to work later in the year, so if DS is just a bit poorly he'll be with one of his grandmas so will be fine, rather than coping with nursery or not being able to go if he's contagious. One day a week will be nursery, I'm an hour away and DH about 45 minutes that's as quickly as we can get there. If it's an emergency, hospital scenario SIL is a SAHM and fifteen minutes away. Most people where we live commute unless they are in local NMW type jobs.

Personally no, I wouldn't do it. Not as is. I would fully investigate any options for greater flexibility and then make an informed decision based on that, but tbh for me it would still be a no. It may be that you can come up with something that would be more acceptable to you. However, me and DH are both work less earn less consume less types. Bollocks to the bigger house and travelling more if they're not going to motivate you in themselves, and I feel like if they did, then you'd want this opportunity?

Retirement would be a more relevant point: I see it as effectively compressing hours over a career. Do you want to work more now to do none later, or work fewer over a longer period? Except betting that you live that long obviously!

Is this job worthwhile, though, or is it a well-paid Bullshit Job? An awful lot of jobs are inherently pointless, and though most of the worst ones are paid around minimum wage, there are jobs at higher levels that consist of attending meetings and shuffling papers and endless office politicking, which a lot of people really don't like doing. If you have enough money coming in to live comfortably (and your H isn't feeling obliged to do an equally pointless job just so you can do less) then it's fair enough to spend less time in employment and more time doing other stuff.

Why would you need to stick at it for 18 months? And if you did then 18 months is not really that long I'm sure youd be fine.

How do people manage when you’re both over an hour away from where your dc are? I’ve lost count of the “he’s sick come and collect him” calls from school and nursery, even one “we’ve called an ambulance can you get to the hospital” call and the 20 min drive there felt like forever.

My DS is 4 and we've only had 3 or 4 phone calls in 3 and a half years and none of them serious. We both have flexible employers too which helps hugely with sick days.

Thanks for the responses, when you've more than one dc and no family around I still think being far away is a risk - even just the stress if there's nothing you can actually do, and phone calls to collect continue right into teenage years, schools won't send a child home without a parent ime.

So what is the alternative tunnocks?

I work 40 mins away and that is the closest place to home where I could do my job. DH is an hour away and again, there isn't anywhere nearer to home where he could do the same job with the same pay and conditions.

People make things work for them and so far our respective commutes haven't caused an issue.

My husband and I earn 100kish combined - me a few k more than him - and both advanced significantly in the past 18m (when we bought our house 18m ago, my salary was 16k less, his 10k).

Although some things have made an immediate benefit (we have a cleaner, for example), it also feels like we've shifted territory. Everything seems to be about the 'career goals', and it feels more like 'failure' if we don't secure the fat pension, the early retirement etc. Realistically, those things are also significantly down the line!

I'm more incluned to work hard and play hard for the time being, but I can't see myself continuing for too long in this vein. Enjoy the money, capitalise upon the experience - but it's not a sustainable life choice for me.

Hi OP,
Obviously everyone disagrees with each other about the right action here so just go back to what you and your husband think is right for your family.

Some people want to excel at their careers, earn a lot, retire early I prefer a work life balance and time with my kids while they are young.

You and your partner need to decide what is right for you and your family and unfortunately other people can only tell you what is right for them.

Dh has said I should take the job, or not. Whatever makes me happy. So no help with the decision

He enjoys his job and I think it is easier on him if I'm available for the DC.

To be clear, I still want to work and keep my skills. I just don't want to work as hard. We could live off what I currently earn so dh isn't under pressure to be the bread winner.

Thanks for everyone's opinions, it's interesting reading.

How practically would it work with the school run, childcare, etc? I've just recently gone back to work (pt for about 6 months as was returning from mat leave and youngest was only 12 months when I started, then will be ft). I work a very long commute from home (3 hours each way, I leave at 6am, get home at 7pm on the days I'm in the office, which is only 2-3 days a week). It means my dh needs to do the school run and all family things 2-3 days a week and I do everything the other 2-3 days while he works a long day.

It sounds hectic and our weeks are busy, but it's honestly been wonderful. I love it and the salary has made life a lot more comfortable (it's about 10K more than what I was earning before I went on mat leave). I was really stressed about the change before I started, but it's been no problem. Actually having a higher earning, higher demand job has helped further balance family obligations. Even though my dh and I had very egalitarian roles, obviously if he is earning more, he gets a bit more time to focus on work (he's self employed, so his earnings are based on how much work he does). But now my career is just as high earning and demanding, and it's freed me up a lot to pursue things I want to do.

I think if you would be happier working less hours and your career taking more of a backseat and you have the money to spare, then no harm in doing that. But actually, you may find that if you try it, it re-balances life in a way that things are actually easier and not all the work falls on you. That, however, depends on you not being left to run around doing all the household admin, all the school runs, all the afterschool activities, etc. while having a longer commute and working more hours.

I would not take it. You don't sound as though you would be fully committed to it, you'd be doing more hours and a longer commute. I would keep your current role as long as you can and look round for something similar on a more permanent basis when you need to. Your children are still young and I think it's more important that you are able to be there when they need you, and not have two parents who are both working as hard as they possibly can. Money's not the most important thing you can do for your family in your situation, it seems to me.

How old are the kids? My thought is that in the long term for me it would be better to prioritise my career as in 15 years when (hopefully) the kids have grown up and are independent I'll be glad of it. However for my family (and for me in the short term) it's undoubtable better that I invest less in my career and more at home. When we were both working full time it was a massive juggling act - it's stressful, there isn't the nice evening time together as DH and I are rushing to do chores which also spill over to the weekend. I'm more tired and grumpy general so the kids get less of my energy.

I've chosen to keep my toe in the water of my career but prioritise family life. That way I'll still have a career when the kids are grown up but I'll have also had the family life - and there's only one time slot for that.

I took a step back about 6 years ago, for similar reasons. My husband and I both had high pressure jobs, long commutes and a young child. 6 years down the track and I feel as though I have stalled career wise. I've lost the motivation to climb the ladder again and feel a little bit resentful that it was me that gave away a position I loved for the benefit of our family. Even though the decision was the right one at the time sometimes I wish I could go back and change it.

Hello OP

my kids are 5 and 3.5 and I’ve only recently started to feel .... ahh it’s getting better. Some reprieve and relief. I also work FT. Differ from your situation as I am single. I earn 100k-ish so financially we are actually ok for now. I’m 44.

I had NO mojo for work last year. My kids were ill, one was starting school, the separation was painful - many many reasons why I was falling out of interest with work. My mojo came back though... I now love my work again. But it’s more true to say I love my life again (which is lucky) because I simply can’t afford to stop working.

I have a theory that - at a certain level - below senior and above say, £50k or less salary employees, you have quite a lot of flexibility. I have no direct reports. I deliver on my projects and I seem to have earned a lot of flexibility in my role - probably as they know if I bring my child to the GP, or dupe out for a nursery performance at 4, I still deliver on my projects and I don’t leave people hanging. Nobody is sweating over where Restinginmybankaccount was at 10.35am this morning. I can see the appeal you are describing in working two levels below.

I have realised lately how I felt MASSIVE pressure to “want” a promotion, to be seen to be craving more seniority, when in fact I just don’t!! I work hard and I’ve no desire to work harder/be more stressed. But maybe in a few years when the kids are further along I’ll feel different about that.

I wonder will your mojo return? A previous poster said how temp work doesn’t help and I think they are right, you don’t invest in the organisation when you are contracting.

And - what is the role you’ve been headhunted for? Was it once something you would have wanted and now your interest is gone? It’s ok too to consider a career shift if its passion for the role that creates your mojo (which I suspect it is).

All said and done, it’s a nice problem to have!

Personally I’m so relieved I have a career, I may have not been able to leave my partner without my own ability to make money. That’s me not you though!!

God I’ve rambled away... sorry!

Thanks again everyone for your opinions and storie (and thanks for your ramblings justrestinginmybankaccount ). In all seriousness it's actually really helpful reading them, and getting to the bottom of why I'm feeling this way.

Pp mentioned temping might be not helping with my lack of mojo, but I'm enjoying being a temp as I don't want to invest in a company again at the moment. I loved my last role, was there a long time, and I just feel happier being in this state.

I categorically will not give up working, and don't want a career change, I like the area I'm in. I just want a step back for a while.

Then do just that sounds like you’ve figured it out!

Just to update, I declined the role and felt immediately relieved so I'm sure I've done the right thing