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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider moving overseas with my STBXH?

26 replies

Leaderer · 14/05/2019 08:50

Husband is a stay at home dad to our 3 children. I recently found out he’d cheated on me some time back and I don’t feel it’s something I can forgive in the long term. He desperately wants reconciliation. At this stage we get on ok, I just don’t feel romantic feelings for him now.

I’ve just been offered my dream job overseas (interviewed before I found out about his affair). Both the job and the location are something I’ve always wanted to do.

I couldn’t (and wouldn’t) take the kids to live overseas without him. I can’t do it legally without his approval and he’d never give it. I wouldn’t do that to the kids anyway.

I have been completely devastated by the loss of this dream and was chatting to a friend yesterday, who suggested going together with him and worrying about the longer term relationship side of things once we’re there. I do know it would mean I couldn’t get divorced unless he had his own working visa there, or achieved some kind of residence status, but I’m in no hurry to be thinking about divorce anyway.

Is it a completely mad idea? I hadn’t considered this until she mentioned it but it is an appealing option.

Not sure how it would work logistically. I suppose we would either co-habit or rent two smaller places.

OP posts:
IAmTheChosenOne · 14/05/2019 08:53

It depends on how you get on. So long as it is clear he is just your defacto 'child care' and you perhaps have a property with an annex.

downtherabbitholewego · 14/05/2019 09:16

I would go for it

HBStowe · 14/05/2019 09:19

If he’s up for it I don’t see why you couldn’t try and make it work, but I think it will be hard. Moving overseas is difficult enough when a couple is a team supporting each other. I think it will be difficult to deal with the stress etc when you aren’t a solid couple.

CanILeavenowplease · 14/05/2019 09:20

Be very clear on divorce law in the country in question because if it came to divorce, you may find yourself in difficulties regarding leaving the country with the children or be financially worse off etc.

justilou1 · 14/05/2019 09:23

Depends which country... if it’s in the Middle East, I’d think twice. If it’s a western country.... why not?

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 14/05/2019 09:25

Do you think the marriage is irretrievable? To be considering moving abroad with him you must get on reasonably well? Would this be a fresh start that you might need to get over the past or is it definitely dead in the water? If you're going to do it and you've got no intention of giving the marriage another go you need to be crystal clear about that and boundaries, if he wants to reconcile it's not fair if he has false hope and moves country in the hope you'll get back together.

recrudescence · 14/05/2019 09:26

You would be holding open the possibility of reconciliation he desperately wants. If you’re sure that’s off the cards, don’t do it

NoodlingAlong · 14/05/2019 09:29

What does your STBXH think about it?

theworldistoosmall · 14/05/2019 09:30

I wouldn't do it.
But then I have zero interest in staying with someone who cheated on me.

swingofthings · 14/05/2019 09:32

Wouldn't you be deceiving him? He wants to make the marriage work and most likely would only agree to go under these premises.

It sounds like you want to make him believe you still want to be married to him and have a fresh start abroad when you are only considering it so you can have your job and your kids with you.

That would be the lost manipulative thing to do as he would be stuck there probably not entitled to them bring the kids back home with him.

Omzlas · 14/05/2019 09:50

You don't think you can forgive his cheating but you want to live abroad with him? I don't understand. At all.

It would depend massively on where you're thinking of moving to, but I'm definitely in camp 'hell would freeze over first'

Lllot5 · 14/05/2019 09:52

I don’t understand this. I don’t how this could possibly work. Surely he would think this means you’re getting back together?

frogmarchheaven · 14/05/2019 09:59

Long term expat here. Don't do it. It's a recipe for disaster. It's bad enough when there are issues in a relationship.

SinjunRivers · 14/05/2019 10:09

Ffs don't do it. Take it from someone who knows.

stucknoue · 14/05/2019 10:14

It depends on length of likely stay overseas eg is it 2-3 years or likely to be permanent. It also depends where, if it's a commonwealth country he may be able to get working status in his own right but the US is near impossible unless a protected job and the Middle East gives mums less rights than dads

theworldistoosmall · 14/05/2019 10:14

And how are you going feel supporting your ex long term?
When you were together it would have been fine. But think about it. He will be financially dependent on you. He will want cash for personal expenses. You will be paying for his dating life.

Pootles34 · 14/05/2019 10:31

So if you go there, split, then want to move back but he wants to stay, what would happen? I would assume you'd have to leave the kids there with him, wouldn't you? As that is the normal place they would be living at the time of the split?

I'm not sure of this at all but I'd be very very careful - possibly take legal advice.

hazell42 · 14/05/2019 10:32

When you want a relationship to continue, you are likely to agree to anything.
If you are certain in your heart that you dont want him, which you are, of course, perfectly entitled to do, I think it would be very mean to encourage him to believe you might have a future, especially if that means uprooting him from family, friends and security.
Even if you spell it out for him, and he agrees, he is likely to do so with the hope that this will be a fresh start for you.
Unless you are 100% certain that he has accepted that the relationship is over and is only going to allow you to work (and, honestly, why would he), I dont think you should do it

Original poster
Leaderer · 14/05/2019 10:49

Lots of interesting food for thought here. Thank you. So much wisdom on these boards.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leaderer · 14/05/2019 10:50

Just in case I seemed horribly manipulative, I did want to add that he knows I’m not interested in reconciling and would only have considered going if he was clear on that.

OP posts:
recrudescence · 14/05/2019 11:02

Even if you spell it out for him, and he agrees, he is likely to do so with the hope that this will be a fresh start for you.

This!

Blondequeenie · 14/05/2019 11:15

@Leaderer

I do not know the circumstances of your husbands affair and what I am about to advice is based on that. Cheating can cover many spectrums from a one off kiss (strictly style Wink), a one-night stand, emotional affair or a full-blown relationship under your nose.

Affairs also happen for many reasons but most often it is because the marriage has broke down at home or the husband does not feel he is getting what he needs or wants in the relationship anymore. There is no excusing your husbands affair and it is not your fault but I would also urge you to look into yourself and ask what your relationship like prior to the affair?

A marriage is not something you should go into easily or leave on haste.
As much as I can understand why you do not want to work through your marriage, I strongly advice you to try and perhaps go to counselling or something similar. I think your dream job sounds wonderful and this could be a fresh start for your family to grow. I would advice that your husband goes with you but sleeps in a spare room, you can be a family without the romantic stuff, over time after counselling, time is a healer and you may find yourself trusting him again.

I strongly believe though that for your marriage to grow again and to ensure this never happens again, you both need to understand what made him cheat on you in the first place! There lies the answers that will help you move forward with him or at least get closure.

Littleoakhorn · 14/05/2019 11:28

I wouldn't do it. I live "abroad" and it puts a lot of strain on a relationship, especially when one of you works and the other is at home. The difference in your circumstances and the power dynamic in the relationship really amplify once you're away from your normal friends and family. How will your dh make friends? What if he hates it and wants to move home? Will he be stuck, friendless, with a wife who can't forgive him?

For us it has been great and a fantastic experience but we have always had a strong relationship. It can certainly work but I don't think that now is the right time for you.

oneforthepain · 14/05/2019 11:47

you both need to understand what made him cheat on you in the first place!

Hmm
Queenunikitty · 14/05/2019 11:52

Another one who has done it. Our marriage was solid before we left and it really tested us. If your relationship is already broken it won’t work. In fact we moved back to the UK as DH wanted a divorce but then I got seriously ill and he chickened out. Can you not go and leave DH with the kids and visit once a month? I know loads of people who make this work, you get to focus on your career and exDH gets to live his life.