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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am i overthinking or is this passive aggressive?

46 replies

Pondlife87 · 14/05/2019 01:09

Since i have been pregnant i feel that my Mum has made constant comments to me that have seemed critical/ passive aggressive. I'm not overly bothered by the comments, but more bothered that it feels like she is trying to wind me up. These are things such as:

'You aren't going to be one of those pregnant women who wears fitted clothes to show off your bump are you? Pregnant women should wear nice smocks'. She said this whilst i was wearing a long fitted tshirt and leggings.

She told me my boobs are now bigger but 'aren't they saggy' (i really don't think they are).

She asked me what exercises the doctor has given me to get back into shape after birth.

Made constant 'jokey' remarks about that i will probably have a long hard labour as 'you wouldn't come out for 36 hours, so it's only fair'. And 'i hope your baby doesn't sleep. Then you'll know how i felt when you wouldn't sleep'. But all said in a very joking way.

Am I overthinking it, or are these comments bizarre?

If you think they're bizarre what do you think is driving this behaviour?

She has always been a bit like it. For example she says at least twice a year 'hasn't your Dad got a big nose'. Then changes the subject and a few minutes later will go 'you have your dad's nose'. But it seems in overdrive now I'm pregnant.

OP posts:
gokartdillydilly · 14/05/2019 01:16

Sorry OP, but honestly, she sounds like an absolute fucking bitch. I think you need to get your brain into gear, and start answering her back. You are an adult too, so time to stand up for yourself. And get your husband on your side. Remember, if those sorts of comments were coming him, you'd be 'fuck right off!' And you know it.

EKGEMS · 14/05/2019 01:21

That isn't passive aggressive behavior that's overtly aggressive shit and she needs to be thrown out of the house

MRex · 14/05/2019 01:22

Some of those comments are plain aggressive, not passive aggressive. I have a relative who does similar on occasion, it's because she's nasty and doesn't like others being happy when she isn't happy. My vote is to give your mum the option to mind her manners and/or keep a little further away.

justinhawkinsnavalfluff · 14/05/2019 01:23

Everything gokartdillydilly said. Make a stand now or you will have every bit of your parenting criticised.

Original poster
Pondlife87 · 14/05/2019 01:25

I think it's hard because she doesn't say any of these things nastily. It's all said in a jokey, flippant way.
If i do answer her back. (For instance with the smocks comment i told her i didn't think it was kind to body shame pregnant women) she acts all shocked and innocent and says 'oh no i never meant it like that'. She rarely says anything in front of other people either. Other than when the doctor comment was in front of my sister who laughed at the comment.
It's so hard as she acts like a shrinking, sweet wallflower so it's difficult to be sure of the tone. But when it's in black and white and void of tone it seems mean.
She also doesn't talk to anyone else like this.

OP posts:
weaseley · 14/05/2019 01:35

Has she made spiteful comments like this before or is it only since you became pregnant?

Original poster
Pondlife87 · 14/05/2019 01:39

She occasionally makes them but it's so much worse since i got pregnant. She's very obsessed with looks and image and a lot of them seem to be directed at how i look.....But I'm pregnant. My body is going to change.

OP posts:
gokartdillydilly · 14/05/2019 01:43

In that case OP. Be prepared. Come up with some stock answers that you can give in *innocent response...
Oh really mother?
That's not how things work around here.
We prefer to do it our way.
Oh you're so dated!
Back to midwifery school for you, ma.
Oh do shut up you stupid woman.
Mum, get real.
Do you really think so?
Oh hahaha you make me laugh.
And if all else fails...
Oh fuck the fuck off you silly cow.

Good luck with baby! And mother. Jeez, nip her in the bud before due date!!

StoppinBy · 14/05/2019 01:45

I don's have much to add but would like to say that I love baby bumps, they are so beautiful, surely I can't be alone in that :-) Enjoy showing your bump off if that's what you want to do and tell your mum to buzz off with her judgey comments.

Original poster
Pondlife87 · 14/05/2019 01:45

😂😂😂 i will def try some of those out....but i already suspect it will end up with her making me feel bad. Thanks for making me laugh x

OP posts:
Tavannach · 14/05/2019 01:50

Not passive aggressive, just nasty. Is she jealous of you, do you think? Maybe try saying something like, "Oh Mum, that sounds so nasty. That's not like you." Or even "Did you mean to sound so rude?."

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 14/05/2019 01:52

Wear a crop top and tight leggings and paint flowers (or skulls Grin ) on your bump, and tell her you're booked in to get your navel pierced.
Remark how horny you are lately and ask her if she got really randy when she was pregnant.
Refuse to take any shit from her! She's projecting her issues onto you!

Aquamarine1029 · 14/05/2019 02:12

Has your mother always been such a foul bitch?

Ceebs85 · 14/05/2019 02:19

Your mother sounds like a jealous, insecure cow who is trying to drag you down.

Keep on calling her out on it. Every time!

InionEile · 14/05/2019 02:36

My mother was like this to me when I was pregnant too. It’s infuriating. If you ignore it, the comments keep coming but if you pull her up on it, it’s all wounded feelings and upset and ‘you’re so touchy, I can’t say anything at all’. When we went out to eat in my first trimester, she scolded me for eating too much and reminded me that I didn’t need to eat for two (it was a normal portion of food) and similar comments through the whole pregnancy.

Not sure what to advise you except to keep challenging her on it and try not to let her get to you. Also be careful for after the birth - when my DM came to visit after my baby was born, she was awful then too and I had to ask her to cut her visit short.

I think it comes from women who built motherhood up into everything in their lives and they are then jealous when you as the former-child are taking over - as they see it - and becoming the mother. Smile and nod as much as you can or if that fails try to get your sister or father or other relatives to intervene.

Girlzroolz · 14/05/2019 02:44

You don’t need witty comebacks, you need less time with her.

Don’t bother responding when these things come out of her mouth, just end the call/visit. Make an excuse, don’t up the drama (she’d love that). Just make a Hmm face and look at your watch and say a perfunctory goodbye. Every time. If you’re pushed, say ‘You’re in a strange mood, Mum, let’s do this another time.’

Shut off her oxygen- which is continued contact with you. This requires not planning long visits and outings, just short ones that can be cut even shorter if she starts up.

Whatever’s going on within her mind around your pregnancy (or your existence) isn’t your problem. You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you definitely shouldn’t have to hear about it.

Don’t for a minute convince yourself what she’s doing is ok, or that she doesn’t mean it. She means it, and it’s truly horrible. You won’t change her, but you don’t need to put yourself (and soon your baby) in the firing line either.

It would be nice to be able to share this special time with your mum, but some of us just don’t have that kind of mum. Luck of the draw. Find some other people to share it with, they are around!

Forgotmycoat · 14/05/2019 02:51

She seems to be jealous and controlling. Like pps have said don't put up with this. You need to pull back from her and be busier and less available. If she asks if you are avoiding her, tell her 'mum I'm still upset about your comments from the last time we met'. Then ignore her for a while.

Btw I hope you have a quick easy labour and an easy baby who sleeps loads and is always smiley.

TwoShades1 · 14/05/2019 02:56

My mother is very similar sincere I got pregnant. Always going on about hard it is and how much I will struggle and hate it. In the end I said just because she found it like that doesn’t mean that I will! It hasn’t stopped her but I just try to tune into out and not bite back.

Limpshade · 14/05/2019 02:56

When my MIL used to make comments designed to get a reaction from me, I'd just play dumb, eg.

Her: "Oh, I didn't mean it like that."
Me: "Oh, I'm so sorry, I must have misunderstood. How did you mean it? Sorry, I'm not getting it, can you explain?" And on and on.

It often would result in MIL huffing, "Never mind!" She soon worked out it was easier for her to keep quiet than try to wind me up. We actually have a good relationship now all the nonsense has stopped.

Graphista · 14/05/2019 03:08

Limpshades approach is good - make her be specific about what she is saying.

Although to be honest I'd not be spending any time with her at all!

"It's a joke" is the perennial cry of the bully who can give but never take!

As she says these things when nobody else is around then really there's no reason you can't be blunt and say "that was a shitty thing to say! Apologise or I'm leaving"

Then if she pulls the "I was only joking" "I didn't mean it like that" crap you either leave or follow limpshades example:

"Really. Then what EXACTLY DID you mean?"

Because honestly she knows damn well what she meant AND that it was a shitty thing to say.

I'd also be tempted to record the bitch!

MissMoan · 14/05/2019 03:32

Is this your first? These seem like the remarks of a jealous woman. Maybe she's struggling to share the 'mum' spotlight with another?

Mummaofmytribe · 14/05/2019 03:44

That's just plain aggressive, not the passive kind. How mean. She sounds really jealous which must be a very weird dynamic for you OP. You need to find your voice I think. Would you put up with such nastiness from anyone else? Sorry you're having this issue, it must be very hurtful

justilou1 · 14/05/2019 03:49

"Enough with the fat shaming Mum. I'm pregnant. Shut up and let me enjoy it."

Preggosaurus9 · 14/05/2019 04:05

A "joke" is what bullies say when they're called out on their nasty comments. There is nothing funny about those comments! She is just being a nasty cowbag.

Head tilt "What do you mean?" Polite puzzled frown. Go silent for an uncomfortably long time and let her dig a hole by rambling on for a few minutes.

Nip this shite in the bud now or it will only escalate. I've found this quite useful repeated during pregnancy and newborn stage.

"You've had your turn being a mum but now it's my turn, if I want your advice I will ask for it but until then SHUT UP"

user1480880826 · 14/05/2019 06:12

She sounds very controlling. She knows exactly what she’s doing by making it sound like a joke then acting innocent when you pull her up on it. And you’re allowing it to continue by not properly confronting her.

Her comments aren’t jokey and she says them because she means it. She needs to stop and she won’t stop until you are firm with her.

Imagine if she said these things in front of your child. Body shaming is extremely damaging and hurtful and needs to be addressed.