Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am i overthinking or is this passive aggressive?

46 replies

Pondlife87 · 14/05/2019 01:09

Since i have been pregnant i feel that my Mum has made constant comments to me that have seemed critical/ passive aggressive. I'm not overly bothered by the comments, but more bothered that it feels like she is trying to wind me up. These are things such as:

'You aren't going to be one of those pregnant women who wears fitted clothes to show off your bump are you? Pregnant women should wear nice smocks'. She said this whilst i was wearing a long fitted tshirt and leggings.

She told me my boobs are now bigger but 'aren't they saggy' (i really don't think they are).

She asked me what exercises the doctor has given me to get back into shape after birth.

Made constant 'jokey' remarks about that i will probably have a long hard labour as 'you wouldn't come out for 36 hours, so it's only fair'. And 'i hope your baby doesn't sleep. Then you'll know how i felt when you wouldn't sleep'. But all said in a very joking way.

Am I overthinking it, or are these comments bizarre?

If you think they're bizarre what do you think is driving this behaviour?

She has always been a bit like it. For example she says at least twice a year 'hasn't your Dad got a big nose'. Then changes the subject and a few minutes later will go 'you have your dad's nose'. But it seems in overdrive now I'm pregnant.

OP posts:
HBStowe · 14/05/2019 06:20

Yanbu, she sounds horrible!

Hard to know what would make a mother behave that way - jealousy maybe?

Sorry OP, sounds like a horrible thing to be dealing with.

SaltSpoon · 14/05/2019 06:28

They're just jokes! Don't let MN poison you against her. I hope you have a long and happy relationship with your mum, and good luck with the birth.

Mumofone1593 · 14/05/2019 06:30

My MIL said she 'couldnt wait' til I had the baby and would wet myself Hmm , lots of other stuff but that was the weirdest! No advice really, just stay above it all and know that your mother isn't the only one who becomes an insensitive idiot when you get pregnant (I called MIL out and she took to her bed and refused to eat at the thought she upset me, that type of women just gives it but can't take even constructive criticism) Flowers

AJPTaylor · 14/05/2019 06:33

You need to tell her directly.

I did with my mum after years of comments about my weight.

She stopped practically overnight.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 14/05/2019 06:37

We don't like to think it of mothers, but there are (sadly) many many mothers who like to pull their daughters down, often as a kind of projecting 'revenge' for slights and sacrifices they felt they themselves suffered. Having been through society's expectations (cf. the 'fat' and 'back in shape' comments) themselves and suffered for it, they like to inflict those on their daughters, as why should they get away scot free? Obviously NAM(mothers)ALT, but it's (observationally) a really common pattern, and it's definitely at work here.

I'd start seeing/calling her less, tbh, OP, and if she asks why, I would tell her.

Divebar · 14/05/2019 06:39

Well I work in an environment where it’s pretty common to throw “ banter” around so I feel I’d be pretty well equipped to respond with something humorous / scathing. It’s a skill I’m trying to teach my DD7 who takes every playground insult to heart. And like any playground bully once they see you’re wounded they tend to carry on. So in relation to the clothing comment I would say airily “ oh actually I’ve just ordered my crop top and hotpants”...sweet smile & eye contact that says “ bring it on old woman”. I’m not saying you don’t have the right to be offended and she sounds like a big PITA but I would certainly stand my ground in that way first to see if it puts a stop to it.

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2019 06:45

You said She makes comments about your nose being like your father's.

Are you more like him? Is that the problem?

honeylulu · 14/05/2019 06:46

My mum is similar (though in her case it stems from lack of self esteem). I'm quite stoical and can generally ignore comments but it's like a challenge to her to try and get a reaction.

She was a very devoted mother and wife and I definitely get the feeling that she thinks motherhood is her "thing" and picking faults with how I do things is partly reassurance that she did everything "right". Comments are often about weight - will point out any gain gleefully, or if my children are naughty I get "well, I just wouldn't have allowed that" etc.

It's maddening and sometimes i have flipped and answered back and she always gets mortally offended and tells everyone who'll listen how horrible I've been to her.

I doubt have any advice, just sympathy!

topcat2014 · 14/05/2019 06:57

Not passive aggressive, just vile.

Whatnameisgood · 14/05/2019 07:01

Limpshade’s approach is great. Just keep asking to explain and she’ll presumably soon get bored. Just be very literal and uncomprehending and don’t get angry or rise to it or she’ll blame you for picking a fight. I read recently that people who express their anger this way (she sounds angry and jealous) are trying to make people feel what they are feeling so they don’t have to. She obviously has issues about her pregnancy and early motherhood. Have you tried sitting down with her when you feel like she’s got her guard down a bit and saying ‘it sounds like early baby months were hard. How did you find it?’ Just thinking about her comment about how tired she was etc.

eddielizzard · 14/05/2019 07:02

They're unpleasant 'jokes'. Very passive aggressive. I'd just look at her and say 'seriously???'

Cherrysoup · 14/05/2019 07:04

She’s a nasty cow, isn’t she? I’d pick her up on every single comment and tell her what a nasty bitch she is.

PussGirl · 14/05/2019 07:11

She's nasty. Either ignore or challenge her every time.

My DM kept saying things like Of course you won't keep your figure - I still have a Baby Pouch.
By which she meant, although fairly slim, she still had a flabby tummy after pregnancy because she would never make any effort to tone up, rather preferring to moan about it instead.

Well I made an effort to tone up afterwards & she admitted it had made a difference. But still moaned about her own tummy being flabby, but still wouldn't try any exercise for more than a couple of days "it's not working".

Acis · 14/05/2019 07:21

Try some passive aggressive responses back, e.g. saying with a big smile "Goodness, pregnant women haven't worn naice smocks since the 70s, don't tell me you did?"

GertrudeCB · 14/05/2019 07:29

How rude and nasty of her.

GabrielleNelson · 14/05/2019 07:31

You say your sister laughed. Does your mother behave like this with her too, or are you singled out for this treatment?

I agree limpshade's approach sounds good. Good luck.

mrd · 14/05/2019 07:37

This will be horrible for you once baby is here. Picking on you or baby "oh you're so cute, I hope you don't grow up with a nose like your mother's". She's a dickhead, sorry.

oneforthepain · 14/05/2019 07:41

She rarely says anything in front of other people either.

And this is what tells you she knows exactly what she is doing and how unpleasant it is.

If she genuinely meant no harm or thought they were jokes she would still be doing it in front of other people.

justilou1 · 14/05/2019 07:42

The other thing you might consider is that she might be having issues with aging and might be having issues with the idea of becoming a grandma. I’d be throwing that in her face. Time to start mentioning wrinkles and knitting, etc.....

GabrielleNelson · 14/05/2019 07:45

I don't think there's any need to descend to her level and make jibes about her getting older. Far better to keep the moral high ground.

MissMoan · 14/05/2019 07:55

Also - a joke is funny.
This is not.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page