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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM / DSis / Hen do drama

37 replies

Yesididnamechange · 13/05/2019 20:32

Name changed as it’s long and outing.

My DSis is getting married next month. She has a very nice maid of honour who in my sisters words ‘lost interest’ when it came to planning my Dsis’ hen do. I originally said I couldn’t attend the hen do as I don’t live in the UK and couldn’t get enough time to make the journey over. Months go by and still no hen do has been planned for my sister. It got to the point where my sister tried desperately to rally people around to go for a drink or something to celebrate her wedding. Being abroad, I felt completely useless and sad that my sister had to do it, so I tried to arrange something but it proved too complicated from a distance. I contacted my DM telling her the situation. She got in touch with the maid of honour, to see if it could be saved last minute, but after many ignored messages and lack of enthusiasm my DM decided to surprise my DSis with a weekend to my city as her hen do (it’s been on my Dsis’ Bucket list to visit my city and she hasn’t been able to due to money constraints). DM spent a fortune of flights and an amazing hotel, I also spent a fortune on a fab lunch and we were all excited to spend some time together, just the three of us, before the wedding.

Roll around to yesterday where my sister posts a status thanking everyone for coming to her hen do on Saturday night, something DM and I didn’t know about. I personally do not care, I live so far away it wouldn’t have made a difference and my Dsis deserves the treat.

DM is furious that she wasn’t invited, despite my Dsis having actually called and invited Dm to the celebration however failed to mention it was a hen do, she just said it was drinks, which didn’t interest my DM. I should mention that the hen do was actually just drinks with friends and the groom and some of his friends.

DM has gone crazy, threatening to cancel the weekend, saying she didn’t spend a fortune to be lied to. Stressing me out about a situation I wouldn’t be involved in if it weren’t for their visit this weekend. I work 12 hour days and by Friday evening I am exhausted. The thought of spending the weekend with my DM and Dsis bickering sounds bloody terrible.
I think I’ve already decided but who Is being unreasonable, my sister for having a second secret hen do, or my DM for being such a drama queen about it?
AIBU to tell them both to stay home and for DH and I to go to the lunch for ourselves? Grin Thanks if you’ve stayed put so far, sorry for the ramble. Confused

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 13/05/2019 20:36

I think that with the best of intentions you've both got over involved in your sisters hen do.
The drinks she's already had wasnt a hen do was it, it was drinks with groom for a start.
Enjoy the weekend and try to eliminate drama and histrionics. Your mum was kind to organise this, focus on that.

Greatbigterribleshart · 13/05/2019 20:40

I think it's possible perhaps your Dsis is upset that her hen do wasn't more important to her friends as it has been for yourself and your DM and has probably invited people out for drinks and only decided to call it a hen do when and if people actually bother to show up.
That's my theory at least.
It's nice that her sister and mum have done something so lovely for her but it must hurt that her friend/s have been so blase about something so important. I know I'd feel very let down by them. Especially the MOH.

Greatbigterribleshart · 13/05/2019 20:42

Also, has the moh just heard about what you and DM have planned and guiltily organised a last minute trip to the pub/bar in the hopes that does the job?

MsSquiz · 13/05/2019 20:45

Are you sure your sister wasn't just embarrassed at not having a "proper hen do" and so wanted to make a point of thanking the people who went out for drinks with her? Maybe as a fingers up to the MOH?

Original poster
Yesididnamechange · 13/05/2019 20:55

The MOH was there at my sisters drinks. MOH heard what my dm has planned and got pretty angry about it.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 13/05/2019 20:58

Why is MOH angry when she basically couldn’t be arsed to organise something? How ridiculous!

Leeds2 · 13/05/2019 21:05

Why is the MOH angry, when she didn't do anything herself?

Treaclesweet · 13/05/2019 21:06

I think your DM is causing unnecessary drama & I feel quite sorry for your sister. I assume you agree, and you should probably tell your mum to sort it out. Is she usually so immature?

GabsAlot · 13/05/2019 21:07

thats not a hen do-maybe she feels embarrassed not having one so just called it that

your dm sounds like shes stressed but going a bit ott about it all

Acis · 13/05/2019 21:07

And why didn't your sister bin off the useless MoH long ago?

Greatbigterribleshart · 13/05/2019 21:08

It sounds like this extra drinks was a way to placate the MOH for some reason. Dsis may just be trying to keep the peace but tbh she shouldn't need to. I would be dumping moh sharpish if she had the cheek to screw me on my hen do then get angry that someone else actually bothered and try and make me feel bad about it. Drinks with the groom isn't even a proper hen do as well so it's not like that's even made up for it or trumped what yourself and your DM have organised.
Get your DM to go easy on her and see it from Dsis POV. She's clearly got a bit of a CF friend situation here. Still give her a decent hen do. Especially as you couldn't come to one in the UK. You'd have missed out on the UK version so this is still a good thing for you three.

GabsAlot · 13/05/2019 21:09

i also dont get why MOH is angry

LL83 · 13/05/2019 21:11

I think the status may have been intended as a dig at bridesmaid who didnt organise anything, or to hide embarrassment over lack of hen do.

Neither are reasons your mum should upset. She did a good thing booking trip and she shouldn't ruin it now. She was invited to the "hen do" and it wasnt a proper hen do anyway. I would try and talk mum into sympathising with sister.

Pinkprincess1978 · 13/05/2019 21:12

Either moh pretended it was just drinks to surprise with hen do or your sis has made drinks into a hen do.

I think your mum ibu- it's not normal to have mums on your hen do is it? I had mine admittedly but I had a very pathetic hen do. Many of the ones I've been too hasn't had mums going.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2019 21:12

This is why I eloped. Fucking ridiculous levels of drama.

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/05/2019 21:12

Maybe the MoH lost interest because no-one showed any interest other than the DM when she tried to organise the hen do?

I get the feeling that there maybe more to the story and that the MoH could end up being scapegoated for things that are out of her control.

Cottonwoolmouth · 13/05/2019 21:15

thats not a hen do-maybe she feels embarrassed not having one so just called it that

THIS!!! Just keep telling your mum this!

Bloody facebook!!

Ravenesque · 13/05/2019 21:16

I think your DM IBU. It was drinks, hardly a proper "hen night" when the groom and his friends were there too. Also, what she has pulled together is far more special than drinks with a bunch of mates, a chance for the three of you to have a lovely weekend before the wedding. I don't suggest telling her to get over herself as that would probably turn it into all out war, but if there is a way of talking her down from where she currently is and making her see that what happened was far from a big deal, that she was invited anyway and that none of it really matters in the greater scheme of things then you can all still have a lovely weekend.

I hope it sorts itself out. Oh, and as for the MOH, she seriously needs to get over herself.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 13/05/2019 21:17

Not your circus, not your monkeys...no good will come of being involved in this drama.

diddl · 13/05/2019 21:18

Dear lord what a drama-from all of you!

" Being abroad, I felt completely useless and sad that my sister had to do it, so I tried to arrange something but it proved too complicated from a distance. " -good grief!!

I'm thinking that it's not a suprise that your mum has reacted the way that she has!

Original poster
Yesididnamechange · 13/05/2019 21:23

‘diddl’ There’s always one Grin

OP posts:
Nofunkingworriesmate · 13/05/2019 21:37

Everyone is angry, totally unecessarily

You desperately wanted your dsis to have a do and she has had sort of one
Maybe she was embarrassed by lack of hen and therefore thanks everyone on bloody Facebook to save face and cover up the fact it was just a few drinks

GotThatSlightChewiness · 13/05/2019 21:43

Not a hen do!

GotThatSlightChewiness · 13/05/2019 21:43

The drinks I meant, not the trip to you

Dollywilde · 13/05/2019 21:49

I agree with posters who reckon your DSis is feeling bummed about not having a ‘proper’ (non family) hen so is talking it up to make herself feel better and for social media.

Your mum sounds like a drama llama for want of a better term.