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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM / DSis / Hen do drama

37 replies

Yesididnamechange · 13/05/2019 20:32

Name changed as it’s long and outing.

My DSis is getting married next month. She has a very nice maid of honour who in my sisters words ‘lost interest’ when it came to planning my Dsis’ hen do. I originally said I couldn’t attend the hen do as I don’t live in the UK and couldn’t get enough time to make the journey over. Months go by and still no hen do has been planned for my sister. It got to the point where my sister tried desperately to rally people around to go for a drink or something to celebrate her wedding. Being abroad, I felt completely useless and sad that my sister had to do it, so I tried to arrange something but it proved too complicated from a distance. I contacted my DM telling her the situation. She got in touch with the maid of honour, to see if it could be saved last minute, but after many ignored messages and lack of enthusiasm my DM decided to surprise my DSis with a weekend to my city as her hen do (it’s been on my Dsis’ Bucket list to visit my city and she hasn’t been able to due to money constraints). DM spent a fortune of flights and an amazing hotel, I also spent a fortune on a fab lunch and we were all excited to spend some time together, just the three of us, before the wedding.

Roll around to yesterday where my sister posts a status thanking everyone for coming to her hen do on Saturday night, something DM and I didn’t know about. I personally do not care, I live so far away it wouldn’t have made a difference and my Dsis deserves the treat.

DM is furious that she wasn’t invited, despite my Dsis having actually called and invited Dm to the celebration however failed to mention it was a hen do, she just said it was drinks, which didn’t interest my DM. I should mention that the hen do was actually just drinks with friends and the groom and some of his friends.

DM has gone crazy, threatening to cancel the weekend, saying she didn’t spend a fortune to be lied to. Stressing me out about a situation I wouldn’t be involved in if it weren’t for their visit this weekend. I work 12 hour days and by Friday evening I am exhausted. The thought of spending the weekend with my DM and Dsis bickering sounds bloody terrible.
I think I’ve already decided but who Is being unreasonable, my sister for having a second secret hen do, or my DM for being such a drama queen about it?
AIBU to tell them both to stay home and for DH and I to go to the lunch for ourselves? Grin Thanks if you’ve stayed put so far, sorry for the ramble. Confused

OP posts:
Ginkeepsmesane · 13/05/2019 21:55

As per PP, I think your sister was embarrassed to have not been thrown a Hen do. So when a lot of her friends were in one place and drinking, it became an impromptu Hen do for everyone else's
(& social media) benefit.

However it's the MoH your DM should be angry at, as she's tried to one up your DM so all of the bride's friends won't know what a let down she was.

snowdrop6 · 14/05/2019 08:09

She’s. Called it a hen do to make herself feel better ,you know the pressure of Facebook ..for some people the thrill of seeing their life on Facebook gives them more pleasure than their actual life

snowdrop6 · 14/05/2019 08:10

I actually feel sorry for your sister ,her friends are not real friends 😢

CherryPavlova · 14/05/2019 08:16

I find the idea of a mother going to a hen party ghastly. Why would you?Then again I think trundling around a town wearing bright pink sparky outfits and matching T-shirts is more than slightly awful.

I suspect your sister has talked up the drinks somewhat. A weekend away sounds infinitely nicer.

CoraPirbright · 14/05/2019 08:18

I agree with other posters - the pub drinks has been labelled a hen do by your sister as she was embarrassed by not having one properly organised (which may or may not be the MoH’s fault depending on how disinterested/flakey the other potential hens were).

Your mum is making a big hoo-ha over this and needs to calm down.

(As an aside, inviting your mum to your hen - is this a thing? I have never been to a hen with a MoB in attendance. Wouldn’t it change the whole dynamic?)

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2019 08:26

(As an aside, inviting your mum to your hen - is this a thing? I have never been to a hen with a MoB in attendance. Wouldn’t it change the whole dynamic?)

Not particularly unusual. I've been to quite a few including as Mob myself.

Why is the MoH cross?

livefornaps · 14/05/2019 08:29

I feel really sorry for your sister, too!

She clearly decided to retrospectively call an impromptu night in the pub her hen do, to make herself feel a wee bit better.

Your mother is completely ridiculous.

I think just tell your mum that both of her daughters are really lucky to have a mum who sorted out an extra special weekend - even BETTER than a hen do.

You have my sympathy - working long hours abroad in a city people actually want to visit. You stagger to the end of the week, only to have to put on a bright smile, have freshly laundered sheets, a tidy flat, fully stocked cupboards, oh and also a full wallet as your guest is on a "treat" weekend and they can go back to living on pasta next week, but you, you have to join in with these "treats" several times a year... It is expensive and exhausting! And if the guests aren't guaranteed to get on, fuck that!

Good luck.

Icandothisallday · 14/05/2019 08:43

Your mum needs to drop it. It was drinking with friends that, I think, included the groom?

It wasnt a hen party, but for whatever reason your sister attached that label. Probably because all he friends are shit.

Your mum needs to jot make this about her.

Original poster
Yesididnamechange · 14/05/2019 08:50

True @livefornaps . When I was in in a not so popular UK city, nobody visited me as the city had nothing to offer. Since moving here I’ve been a hotel which is exhausting Grin

OP posts:
Notverygrownup · 14/05/2019 08:58

Call your mum and let her know that your dsis probably called the drinks a "hen do" to save face.

Tell your mum that you are looking forward to a "girly weekend" with the two of them and that it will be fabulous to have the time together to have fun and laugh and relax.

Remind your mum that weddings always produce some sort of stress or other but that it would be a real shame to let this affect relationships. Reassure her too, that she was being incredibly generous funding this weekend and that if that is a problem she ought to think now. Does she need to cancel for financial reasons. Your dsis would probably understand if your mum tells her that money is tight and that now she has had a hen do, a trip to visit you can be postponed until a later date. However, if she can afford to go ahead, then try to help her see that this can still be a special time together.

Best of luck.

StoneColdOld · 14/05/2019 09:06

It wasn't a Hen Do if Cocks were there too, surely ?

CaptainButtock · 14/05/2019 11:09

Totally agree with the ‘saving face’ theory.
I don’t suppose if she’d known about the fab sounding hen trip coming up, she would’ve felt it necessary to refer to it like this.
Try explaining this to your dm... appeal to her compassionate side.

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