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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel really down?

62 replies

Settle59 · 13/05/2019 19:16

I messed up a potential relationship with a really lovely guy and now I feel just so empty inside. He was lovely very supportive, everything. My life in general has really deteriorated so much. I'm trying to find a grain of hope but finding it hard. I'm 54 and feel my chance of happiness is gone. I miss him so much

OP posts:
Laiste · 13/05/2019 19:43

Do you follow him on social media? Is he with a partner now?

Settle59 · 13/05/2019 19:44

Laiste

I'm aiming to email him but not for a while - possibly a year or so just to explain I did want to meet him that time but is got into a mess.

In the meantime I'm trying to motivate myself but missing my old life

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Settle59 · 13/05/2019 19:44

I'm not on social media and don't know about a partner

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Laiste · 13/05/2019 19:50

OK, let me get this straight:

  • You were chatting with the guy by email and getting on well (online dating?)
  • You were meant to meet back in 2015 but you lost your nerve (weight ect) and gave a false reason to him.
  • You stayed in contact and he was still friendly.
  • In 2016 you suggested a meet up but he didn't react.

Then what? Radio silence since then?

  • You want to leave it another year before emailing again ...
mabelsgarden · 13/05/2019 19:52

@Settle59

I'm aiming to email him but not for a while - possibly a year or so just to explain I did want to meet him that time but is got into a mess.

Aww, maybe give him a qucik email. Can't hurt can it? Smile

Hopefully he is single too. Smile

@Laiste ^^

OUCH!

Grin
Namechange8471 · 13/05/2019 19:55

Ok I met dp online, i was wary to meet him (I was 17stone). But I took a chance, and it worked!

Seriously give it a go!

smartipants · 13/05/2019 19:57

Oh settle, you almost sound as though you are scared to make the relationship real, do you think you enjoy the fantasy of how it could be with him and are maybe scared to burst that bubble?

HBStowe · 13/05/2019 20:07

Every man should have a nice drink in the pube garden at least once a week imo

Settle59 · 13/05/2019 20:43

I haven't abandoned this thread - just come back from the gym as trying to make an effort

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Settle59 · 13/05/2019 20:46

Laiste

You're partially right but not quite . Not online dating at all. Got to know him first 2005/ 06 in a very real life situation.
Things ended very embarrassing lily and awkwardly then no contact until 2011 when got in touch again via facebook. Contact then through phone , actually meeting up and emailing for 4 yrs then I made a right pigs ear if it.

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Settle59 · 13/05/2019 20:47

It should say embarrassingly and pigs ear of it

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Settle59 · 13/05/2019 20:47

By the way the year thing is what I decided based on my experience of the relationship

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Settle59 · 13/05/2019 20:49

Mabel I will definitely email and it won't be quick actually - a long one explaining everything- the thing is just not yet. Based on our previous relationship when time is right

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Settle59 · 13/05/2019 20:50

So pleased for you name change thing is I think he's now moved in. - and he's only known me a size 8!

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SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 13/05/2019 20:50

OP email him- what’s the worst that can happen? He ignored you or says I’ve met someone else. But at least you will know! Then you can get on with your life.

For what it’s worth I met someone, unfortunately I was in a relationship and so was he. We stayed in touch, then lost touch. Then after several months one of us would email to see if the other was ok. In the meantime we both split with our partners, long story short, several years after this back and forth and no contact, we’ve been happily in a relationship for over a year. It’s been fantastic! Good things can happen!!

Settle59 · 13/05/2019 20:51

No thing is Smart it was getting real and close before I messed up - after being close to him for 4 or so years I feel he has excellent personality traits

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Settle59 · 13/05/2019 20:52

So pleased for you Snowy and that it's worked out well. I will email definitely just not yet - I emailed Xmas to say hi so I want to leave it longer

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HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 13/05/2019 20:56

Hi OP,

Are you treating your depression?

Settle59 · 13/05/2019 20:59

No. I suppose I feel a got over a very bad situation before and became happy totally without treatment

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Settle59 · 13/05/2019 21:05

Back some yrs ago tween 2009 and. 2011 my life improved massively from being shit in 2009 - lonely to amazing in 2011 - happy more meaningful relationships. Praying it'll happen again

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DianaT1969 · 13/05/2019 21:33

Are you working now OP? If you are going to put this man on the back burner for a while, is there anything else you can do to get back to yourself a bit? Any thoughts on how you could start making new friends, or reconnect with old ones? It would be great if you could build up your social life so that you don't feel so isolated. Going to the gym sounds like a great start. What do you do there? Classes or machines?

DianaT1969 · 13/05/2019 21:33

Would a C25K running club appeal?

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 13/05/2019 21:45

No. I suppose I feel a got over a very bad situation before and became happy totally without treatment... Praying it'll happen again

What were you doing when the depression lifted? Looking back, are there any hobbies, habits or routines that might have helped? Vitamins? Anything hormonal like going on or coming off contraception (I believe hormones are the key to almost everything to do with our mood!)?

There's an expression I've always liked: "Those that have little, love much; those that have much, love little." I interpret it as saying that romantic relationships become our main focus when the rest of our life isn't fulfilling us. So when we're down, or a little lonely, we're more likely to become consumed with the object of our affection, far more than when the rest of our life is busy and satisfying.

I'm not trying to talk you out of your interest in this man! But focussing on the rest of your life while you get back to happiness will almost certainly help. Please don't torture yourself over regret or missed opportunity, please don't. I've been there and it's SUCH a rabbit hole of sadness!

What do you like to do? Even the tiniest thing? (Mine would be miniscule when I'm really low; like feeding the birds in the garden, drinking real coffee, watching "This Is Us" on Amazon Prime - OMG, it's so good - or re-reading my favourite books...) Start pulling your regretful thoughts away and focus your attention on somethin small and lovely, until you slowly surface, into the sunlight.

Settle59 · 13/05/2019 21:50

Hi Diana yes I do work I do machines and occasional classes. Building up my life and distracting myself sounds a good idea was thinking of that today . I could try and reconnect with old friends

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Settle59 · 13/05/2019 21:51

Yes I'm not fit st the moment but in past did 10k

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