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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil turning up at bed time again!

38 replies

Shootingstar1115 · 13/05/2019 19:13

A few times recently mil has turned up at bedtime without warning and hyped up the kids. I wouldn’t mind but my eldest has asd, so routine is particularly important and mil turning up at bedtime just unsettles him, the hypes him up and he takes forever to go sleep. His bedtime routine starts about 6.30pm in the hope he will be asleep by 8.30-9.

DD gets up early, gets extremely tired and is often asleep by 6.30. We’ve had a busy day today and she was more tired than usual and fell asleep by 6.

Tonight mil turned up at 6.45. DS is now hyped up and will take forever to wind down again, DD is awake and probably won’t go back to sleep for a while.

IF she had texted to say she was coming over I wouldn’t mind as much as I would be prepared but we had no idea until she turns up!

Aibu to annoyed by this??

I’ve always asked if she could let us know if she was coming over regardless of the time (it’s best to prepare DS for visitors in advance rather than him being surprised by unexpected visitors).

OH made it clear that she had annoyed us. I feel guilty for putting her off coming for long but then again she’s had four children and said herself they always went to bed early so surely she understands my frustration??

OP posts:

Mayalready · 13/05/2019 19:16

Without being nasty hand over the oldest dc's routine to her.
Likely she will swerve bedtime if it takes that long......

Gazelda · 13/05/2019 19:18

I think you'll have to be clear to her that she can't visit after 6pm. No ifs, no buts.
She's welcome any other time, the children love seeing her etc etc. But they're at the age when they need a good nights sleep, and a calm routine makes that possible.

Don't tell her that it'd be ok if she calls first, that implies that her visits aren't too disruptive for you to deal with.

Gazelda · 13/05/2019 19:18

SleepWarrior · 13/05/2019 19:19

Could you just not answer the door if it's an inconvenient time for someone to be joining you. Then when she asks why you didn't let her in, you can say that there have been too many bed disruptions from various people at the door and have decided to stop answering it after 5.30 in order to help the kids sleep. She'll start messaging first after that!

BasilBooBoo · 13/05/2019 19:19

I definitely agree with MayAlready. Tell her is great she came, give her a handover of what the DC need/do for bedtime and go and chill, walk the dog etc.

Could be quite useful for you.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2019 19:19

You're a grown woman with a voice, so use it. Call her and talk to her about how difficult her unannounced visits make things. Tell her you would appreciate her refraining from this from now on. If she gets upset, so be it. She's being very rude and she'll get over it.

PotteringAlong · 13/05/2019 19:21

Just don’t answer the door? Tell her you were doing bedtime

BertrandRussell · 13/05/2019 19:22

Sit down with her during the day with no kids and explain just as you’ve explained on here. Make a definite time for her to visit. All very calm and reasonable. Then if she ignores you, don’t answer the door.

Drum2018 · 13/05/2019 19:22

You should just continue with the bedtime routine and bring the kids upstairs and do whatever it is you have to do. Tell her to make tea for herself if she wants and carry on with your routine. Don't let them stay up just because she chooses to visit at the wrong time.

ooohhhhcrap · 13/05/2019 19:23

I have a mother who kept doing this to me

It got to the point where I'd be cooking mine and dh tea after getting kids in bed and about to get in shower and she would just rock up and let herself in.
If I looked slightly bemused or miffed she would get really defensive with me.
In the end I'd had enough and point blank told her not to just turn up without txting first,by which point I could let her know if I was free or not.(work full time,juggle three dc etc etc so life is pretty hectic during the week)

Stropped for a couple of days but soon got over it and it doesn't happen anymore.
My dsis is currently having the same problem whereby dmum will turn up in announced at tea time,walk round the back and into the house without even knocking and appear in the lounge

I've told dsis to remind her that when we were kids and she and dad worked full time my grandparents wouldn't have dreamt of just turning up after a busy day of work and school.

They always came as arranged on a weekend day.

mabelsgarden · 13/05/2019 19:23

6.54pm doesn't seem THAT late, but tbh, I think I would be a little pissed off if someone turned up (unannounced) at that time. (Especially if the kids are little/very young!) My brother used to have a habit of turning up 'for a chat and a coffee' between 8.30pm and 9pm, at least twice a month. (When our kids were under 10 too!) And he would stay til half ten or eleven pm!

It was nice to see him, but we found it an unreasonable time. We only lived 3 miles apart then, and now lives 30 miles way, so it doesn't happen now thankfully!

How old are your kids?

You may have to tell your partner/DH to talk to her about t.

mabelsgarden · 13/05/2019 19:23

Ooops, I mean 6.45, not 6.54!

OutInTheCountry · 13/05/2019 19:26

People would really rather leave their own MIL standing on the doorstep than have a grown up conversation?

Cottonwoolmouth · 13/05/2019 19:26

Fil used to do this. In the end I just left him down stairs on his own.

We’ve moved now

NoSauce · 13/05/2019 19:26

Speak to her again. Just say the dc really love to see you but popping in just before bedtime doesn’t work for you all. Pin her down to a time and date next week and see how it goes. Don’t cause a stink, be nice but firm. Hopefully she’ll soon cotton on to it.

AnnaMagnani · 13/05/2019 19:28

Just carry on putting them to bed!

Say 'Night night Grandma' and then go upstairs leaving her behind.

She won't do it again if it's dull.

TBDO · 13/05/2019 19:31

Are you offering times that she can see DC and catch up with you and OH? She might just need to know that you will see her, and that she’s not missing out on seeing you all if she stops popping by in the evening.

PanamaPattie · 13/05/2019 19:35

Seriously, what is wrong with people that just turn up when it’s obvious you are busy with DC and meals. Have they forgotten what it’s like to have young DC? Thick skinned and entitled.

agnurse · 13/05/2019 19:36

Just tell her she can't come in. Lock your door and don't give her a key. Disconnect the doorbell if necessary.

BertrandRussell · 13/05/2019 19:39

Does she know the routine? Because those are quite early bed times and people aren’t psychic. Make sure she knows.

RuggerHug · 13/05/2019 19:40

Don't answer the door. Or do and just say 'oh I didn't know DH asked you to babysit/put the kids to bed, thanks!' grab your coat and bag and walk to the nearest pub.

adaline · 13/05/2019 19:41

Don't let her in. I don't understand why you're letting her in the house if it's not convenient for you?

Missingstreetlife · 13/05/2019 19:41

Just tell her. Don't answer the door. What is the matter with ppl, why are you so wet?

NoSauce · 13/05/2019 19:47

I think it’s very easy for randoms on the internet to say don’t let her in. Because that wouldn’t cause awkwardness for the OP would it?

bratzilla · 13/05/2019 19:47

Either get your husband to tell her or text her. “we’re in a good routine now so can you visit before x please”. My exMIL was a brazen alcoholic so ignored the text, I moved and she no longer knows my address

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