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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No birthday present for dd

76 replies

Fazackerley · 13/05/2019 18:50

From my dsis. She's having a rough time at the moment and is apparently very broke, but she texted dd to say she would buy her something the week after her birthday when she got paid. That was two weeks ago and nothing. I'm not sure i can ask her. Dd has said actually I'm a bit hurt that Aunty Faz didn't get me a present. I said i know, i get it but she's a bit all over the place atm. AIBU to be a bit pissed off? Even a card would have been nice!

OP posts:

pictish · 13/05/2019 19:31

‘I’m not sure I can ask her.’

Oh you can’t. No. You have to assume that because your sister is broke, she had other pay outs to make and you let it slide. You don’t chase up presents.

RattyTat · 13/05/2019 19:33

If she's extremely broke a pound or even 29p might not be doable and could be the difference between having a meal and not. I've no idea how bad things are for her but being in such dire straits is very possible. Personally if I knew that things were so tight for my hypothetical sister I'd be insisting that she wasn't to buy anything at all for my dd.

NameChangeSameRage · 13/05/2019 19:36

If your daughter is old enough to have a phone to recieve texts from her aunt, then she's old enough to understand that her birthday isn't as important to other family members as it is to her/her parents. Aunt probably forgot by the time it was a week later. You can't ask her, so forget it.

clairemcnam · 13/05/2019 19:36

jinglinghellsbells Have you read the thread of people who are very depressed and anxious and still managing to work?
Honestly if someone close to me is struggling I am concerned about them. And I understand that sometimes they can be struggling just to get through the day.
I do think lots of people are unable to put themselves in others shoes and really understand how they might be feeling.

Dippypippy1980 · 13/05/2019 19:37

Important life lesson for your daughter - there is more to life than material things.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/05/2019 19:37

What are her circumstances?

RedSkyLastNight · 13/05/2019 19:37

Sounds like she sent her a text on her birthday .... Assuming DD is a child, I'd have said that was ample to pass on birthday wishes and show she is thinking of her. Can't imagine DD will set any store by getting a card.

KC225 · 13/05/2019 19:40

I am 50 and I remember how horrible it was to be promised something as a child and for them to conveniently 'forget'. When an old family friend promised my 5 year olds new bikes I knew it wouldn't happen (he could barely afford a bus card) I nipped it in the bud. I told him DO NOT promise them anything, tell me or surprise them with it but don't promise what you can't deliver.

Your sister was a worng to promise something to your DD. She could have told you, and you could have said - save your money, get yourself sorted and just wish her a happy birthday but I'll sign a card from you.

People on here are so quick so call names. Entitled, grabby, spoilt - a child?

clairemcnam · 13/05/2019 19:42

The issues isn't the child. But the OP should have said, don't worry, if money so tight, don't bother with a present or card this year.

Blondebakingmumma · 13/05/2019 19:44

I think your sister was unreasonable to promise a gift, but at the same time you should have refused as she is going through a difficult time.

Time to teach your daughter about finances and supporting the less fortunate. Why don’t you cook a meal with your daughter and take it round to your sister

NorfLondon16 · 13/05/2019 19:46

YANBU. I can't see how you're being grabby. From what I can see, you were not the one promising anything to DD. The excuse that DSIS, who I assume is older than DD, might have felt forced (i e not being able to stand up for herself) to promise something she couldn't deliver and at the same time say that DD should be old enough to not assume presents (even when being promised) is mind blowing.

I surely am teaching my DCs to only promise what you can deliver.

Leeds2 · 13/05/2019 19:46

If DD is old enough to have her own phone, and to have received a text from your DSis, I expect she is old enough to understand that, sometimes, people have more important priorities. I certainly wouldn't ask DSis where the present was - she is probably embarrassed enough as it is.

00100001 · 13/05/2019 19:47

"Entitled, grabby, spoilt - a child?"

Yes, a child can be all of those things.

Double0FeckingBollocks · 13/05/2019 19:48

Get a grip @Fazackerley . Teach your kid some empathy. But you're not coming back are you, because you didn't hear what you wanted to hear.

Hello1290 · 13/05/2019 19:50

YANBU - If I understand correctly your sister told your DD she would give her a birthday present but didn't - which is a bit crap really. Maybe she is still intending to get her something.

LumpyPillow · 13/05/2019 19:54

YABVVU.

As a previous poster said, its up to you to explain: aunty wouldnt have wanted to let you down and said she would get you something after she got paid but sometimes as an adult things dont go to plan, life is expensive and she is having a hard time. She loves you a lot! Gifts are not a measure of love and family.

You can bet if sister just gave a card or something for a pound/bar of chocolate the response would likely be just as materialistic and grabby. 'whats this? Wheres the usual xyz? / this is insulting/ youre better off giving nothing/ this takes the piss'. Ive seen it happen, more than once.

Entitled bullshit.

Wasafatmum42 · 13/05/2019 20:02

I think YANBU aunties are supposed to be like a second mum she should have told your dd the truth aunty will get you a present when she has the money kids are not stupid and chances are your dd will never trust her again. Unfortunately I am talking from experience my sister would actually ring up and tell my ds she is on her way 2 hours later when you ring her she wont answer the phone and two months later aunty turns up loads of presents and ds forgets , OP I think you need to talk to your sister and just tell her you sympathise with her situation but next time please don't make promises you cannot keep .

clairemcnam · 13/05/2019 20:32

Aunties are supposed to be like a second mum!! Are uncles supposed to be like a second dad? Or is it only women who get these ridiculous expectations put on them?

MumUnderTheMoon · 13/05/2019 20:45

YANBU your sister promised her a present. The problem here is about a broken promise rather than having no gift. She could have had a quiet word with you and said "I'm sorry I can't do a present this year" or she could have offered to have dd to stay for the night and had a girls night watching movies. My dd would love that.

Cantthinkofausername1990 · 13/05/2019 20:48

She's going through a rough patch and I'd imagine that saying 'I'll get you a present next week' was easier than saying 'I don't know when I'll be able to afford something'.
It's highly unlikely that your sister forgot about it, she could be struggling more than you think and be embarrassed to say it.
We had similar with ds aunt/godmother at Xmas. He didn't/still hasn't got a present. But my ds didn't hold it against her.

badg3r · 13/05/2019 21:01

Gosh. First, your sister needs support. Provided there is no back story and you can afford it, could you not have lent her a fiver to get her something? I would feel terrible in her situation. Secondly, you need to explain to your DC what broke means. It isn't like she actually forgot.

formerbabe · 13/05/2019 21:05

Depends how bad her financial situation is. If she's in dire straits and is otherwise a good aunty, then let it go.

lau888 · 13/05/2019 21:15

A brief explanation would cost the aunt zero pounds and reassure the child that they are loved. Children are very accepting of adverse circumstances; all the aunt needs to say is they can't afford any gifts this year. It's not nice to leave the niece to imagine the reason their aunt didn't keep their promise is that they did something wrong. And it's not the same emotionally if the OP gives the explanation - unless, of course, the niece isn't close to the aunt and doesn't really care what they think about them.

Tigger001 · 13/05/2019 21:23

Really !!! So someone is struggling and the main concern for you is that your daughter didn't get a present.
You think it easy for people to admit they are skint. She probably feels awful, if you feel that bad for your daughter, buy her a present yourself for your sister to give.
I will be raising my son with a far better moral compass.

ShaggyRug · 13/05/2019 21:32

Children should not ‘expect’ presents and should be taught otherwise.

However, DD’s step-grandmother used to make empty promises of gifts all the time. That’s the parts that’s not ok here.

We had to tell GM in the end to stop it. No gifts is absolutely fine but promising the child to their face and then not following through was cruel.

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