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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No birthday present for dd

76 replies

Fazackerley · 13/05/2019 18:50

From my dsis. She's having a rough time at the moment and is apparently very broke, but she texted dd to say she would buy her something the week after her birthday when she got paid. That was two weeks ago and nothing. I'm not sure i can ask her. Dd has said actually I'm a bit hurt that Aunty Faz didn't get me a present. I said i know, i get it but she's a bit all over the place atm. AIBU to be a bit pissed off? Even a card would have been nice!

OP posts:

NorthernRunner · 13/05/2019 19:04

No you can’t mention it, buying your dd isn’t a priority for your dsis, why should it be?
It’s a good time to explain to your child that there’s more to life than gifts.
Considering your dsis is broke I would have thought the only contact you would have with her is to ask if she needs anything from you? Perhaps you could drop round some groceries to help out?

OutInTheCountry · 13/05/2019 19:05

Blimey, the knives are out tonight. The DSIS promised a child a birthday present and then didn't get them one. She's having a tough time so you can be understanding, it doesn't mean OP can't be upset that her daughter was hurt or that her daughter was being grabby for being disappointed. I wouldn't want to bring DC up to be grabby but I wouldn't want them to think that their feelings don't matter or that you can break promises either.

You can buy a card for 29p from the Card Factory.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 13/05/2019 19:06

Maybe you and your dd should make something for your sister to give To her. A good exercise in how to have empathy for your dd

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 13/05/2019 19:07

Yabu - does your dc really need another present, from a family member who has advised you they are struggling financially

HBStowe · 13/05/2019 19:07

This is a good teachable moment for your DD not to expect presents, especially from people who are struggling.

Ihatehashtags · 13/05/2019 19:08

Yanbu fine to not get her anything, but to say she would and then not do it is pretty shitty. You say she’s going through a tough time /broke. A phone call and a dollar card isn’t going to break the bank.

ImportantWater · 13/05/2019 19:08

My sister sometimes gets presents for my children’s birthdays and sometimes she doesn’t. They never expect anything and thank her when they do get something. I would never dream of mentioning it to her or have the children think they are entitled to be getting something from her.

Singlenotsingle · 13/05/2019 19:09

Couldn't you have bought a little something and told DD that it was on behalf of dsis?

TSSDNCOP · 13/05/2019 19:09

The thing is she's got herself in a pickle. She shouldn't have felt she needed to promise the present when she couldn't keep it. You know she's broke and you could've helped avert that pressure by telling her DD didn't need a present.

As it is, a card is going to be a reminder of the lack of present, so I can see why that's not come either.

Explain the problem to DD. Sometimes we just don't have the money to buy the things we want, we have to save it for the things we need.

Phone your DSis and tell her the pressure is off on the present, maybe she could just pop round and spend some time with DD so she's knows that it's her that's important not presents.

clairemcnam · 13/05/2019 19:12

In your circumstances I would be more worried about my sister. You said yourself she is going through a rough time at the moment. So maybe buying a present is not a big priority for her at the moment?

clairemcnam · 13/05/2019 19:14

thatehashtags The sister probably felt she had no choice but to say that.
I do have an issue when close relatives are just seen as dispenser of presents and cards. When people are having a really shitty time, sometimes just getting through the day, going to work, and feeding everyone, is as much as people can manage.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 13/05/2019 19:17

Without knowing the full circs. Its hard to say. I mean how broke is she.
Im tempted to say. She could have gone to poundland and bought her something for a pound. I'm sure you nor your did were expecting the crown jewels. However in my broke phase. Literally every and I mean every penny counted. A pound would have been an absolute fortune, so Thank God it was no ones birthday because they wouldn't have even got a 29p card from card factory.

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 13/05/2019 19:18

YANBU, it is unfair of your Dsis to promise something and not deliver. I don't understand why you are getting such a kicking. I'm sure had she said she couldn't afford it this year, you and your DD would have understood.

MoreCookiesPlease · 13/05/2019 19:18

Goodness. YABU. Your sister has explained that she is broke. She might be in a bad place right now. Why have you raised your daughter to expect a gift from people? How old is she?
@HBStowe has put it very elegantly. You need to explain to DD that sometimes people go through hard times financially and can't afford to buy other people presents. It doesn't mean that they love you any less.

Drum2018 · 13/05/2019 19:19

She acknowledged the birthday. What more do you want from someone who cannot afford to buy a gift? I'm sure your dds present isn't top of her list of priorities if she's struggling financially.

specterlitt · 13/05/2019 19:19

Wow, you very well know your sister is going through a difficult time and THIS is something that has pissed you off? YES, you ARE being unreasonable.

Perhaps explain to your daughter that her aunt is struggling right now and that no present does NOT mean she doesn't care, her aunt just needs some support right now. Then maybe you both could get her some flowers, even cheap ones and just generally check in on her.

The fact your daughter is upset about this and that you've decided to be pissed off instead of explaining the circumstances is ridiculous .

BlackcurrantJamontoast · 13/05/2019 19:22

You can buy a card for 29p from the Card Factory.

If you live near one and can walk with no transport or parking costs

BlackcurrantJamontoast · 13/05/2019 19:23

She could have gone to poundland and bought her something for a pound.

As above- no poundland here.

JinglingHellsBells · 13/05/2019 19:25

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Even if she is broke, I bet she could stretch to 50p or a £1 for something, even just a bar of choc or something along those lines. If your DD is old enough to understand, you or your sis could have explained she's a little short of money at the moment, so don't expect a big gift.

Or if it's not just about money and your sister is having relationship issues etc, you should explain to your DD that Auntie F isn't well and hasn't been able to get a gift yet.

Likewise a card. Even a home made one.

Ironically, I have sometimes found in life that the people who are suffering the most often make the most effort for others in spite of the pickles they find themselves in.

It's not the cash for a gift that counts but the thought(lessness) behind it. A tiny gesture would have gone a long way.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 13/05/2019 19:26

I don’t know how old your DD is but if you knew that your sister is struggling why didn’t you get her something yourself and say it was from her auntie? At least a card?

But there’s nothing wrong with your DD knowing and understanding that sometimes people simply can’t afford birthdays but that doesn’t mean they are not loved.

JinglingHellsBells · 13/05/2019 19:26

Really shocked at the siding with the sister here.

Yes, she may be having a shit time, BUT really caring people do make the effort for other people.

Shootingstar1115 · 13/05/2019 19:26

If she explained she couldn’t afford a present that would be okay imo. But she could have bought a card. You can buy them so cheap!

Nanny0gg · 13/05/2019 19:28

How is it the child's fault? She doesn't know the situation! Her aunt told her she'd get her something and hasn't!

She is NOT being grabby!

Beechview · 13/05/2019 19:30

I agree with a pp who suggested maybe you should give something to your sister. Get your dd to send her a card to say that you’re thinking of her.

LL83 · 13/05/2019 19:30

If my dd said "I am a bit hurt aunt didnt get me a gift" I would ask her why is she hurt, explain it doesn't mean aunt doesn't love you she is having a hard time and has to be careful with money.

I would contact my sister and check she is ok.

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