Not a baby shower

[Karigan195]

Due to have a baby in August. There will be no other babies due to age and disinclination. Would rather like to have a baby shower but a traditional baby shower seems to me to be rather grabby and a bit tacky. My personal view and would never rain on anybody else’s choice to have one in real life.

So I’m kind of thinking instead to have a ‘not a baby shower’ where I just kind of get together with some of my best friends and have an afternoon tea or something. No gifts etc. Then though it’s a question of do I host and pay or each buys their own. I don’t get to see friends very much as we’re all pretty busy and I think it would be nice to have a little get together like that.

So AIBU 1: AIBU to have a not a baby shower (silly idea?)

Wibu to invite and each pays their own or should I pay?

No idea what’s best. Never been invited to a baby shower let alone considered this kind of thing.

It's a lovely idea.

If you host in your own house, then I think you need to pick up the tab for everything.

If you can't afford to do that if you're going out for it, just make it clear when you invite people. What usually happens when it's a birthday outing or some other celebration?

Just don't call it a baby shower - just tell them you'd love to have a gathering before the baby arrives. Maybe mention in the invite that you're certainly not expecting to be "showered" with gifts but would just like to have a get-together with your friends. Are you talking about hosting in your own home or going out? If you're going out but not planning on paying for everyone you should say on the invite "cost for afternoon tea will be £[x] per head".

We did this for a friend and it was a lovely get together before her baby came. Could you have it at your home as it wouldn’t cost too much for you to get the stuff yourself?
If not then in my circle of friends we’d all expect to pay for ourselves.

If it's not a baby shower, what is it and why are you having it?

It's a really awful American import. If you want a load of pressies just call it what it is.

I’m thinking of going out as I know I’ll not be able to relax and actually take part if I do it at home as I always run around like a lunatic ‘hosting’. I try not to but always fail 🤦‍♀️

It seems a bit odd. If it's just that you don't see your friends often and want to get together, which is perfectly nice and reasonable, how is the fact that you are pregnant relevant?

@TwitterQueen1. I did write above that I don’t want gifts just a nice get together with friends. And I don’t know wtf to call it when you remove the ‘shower’ expectation. 😂

Don't call it a 'not a baby shower'. Just arrange a get together with friends as you normally would.

If I arrange a get together with friends I don't see often, it doesn't need a name, it's just a 'we haven't been out for ages, let's sort something out'.

Why mention the baby at all? Just organize a get together with friends, no?

Hey Karigan it is was I am doing too! Not calling it a baby shower but instead a "final bbq before DS arrives" and I think by inviting the men of the family as well as the women it will hopefully not feel too much like a baby shower invite but rather an excuse to have people over. I have my sister organizing it though so at least I dont have to stress too much about hosting, despite it being at my house.

I did originally want an afternoon tea / meal out instead but DSis said in her opinion it might feel less formal and less baby shower by having it as a summer bbq instead

Yep I'd just call it a 'catch up meal', for example

Do agree with others about avoiding the "Not a Baby Shower" name though, perhaps just say you want a meal out with everyone before your baby's arrival?

Honestly if I called it just a bbq I’d probably have about 3 people turning up. I have a lot of friends but we all tend to live life to the max and be here there and everywhere. Plus during the good weather a load of them are summer weekend workers. As it is thinking about anything like this in summer is probably doomed to fail from the start.

Probably best not to even bother trying 😂

Never mind and forget I mentioned it.

That's why I think it's worth saying something along the lines of how you want to do something before your baby arrives!

Don't give up on the idea, I gave up on this idea with DS1 and really regretted it because I felt like I missed out on hosting a party before he took up all my attention.

Aw I think you should go for it! I would find it funny to call it 'not a baby shower ' . I don't really understand why people have issue with that! This is just what I did. Nice hotel with spa and swim treatments and then afternoon tea. I paid for some treatments maybe or afternoon tea?! I can't really remember. I said no gifts but people did buy a few. Overall a really lovely, non American, non grabby day that I'm glad I did!
Maybe set up a messaging group and try and arrange something with your friends?
And congrats!

Don't let people talk you out of it if it's something you'd like to do!

I don't see any harm in arranging the event and saying 'as I'm expecting DC in August, I was hoping to get everyone together beforehand to catch up and enjoy one of my last opportunities before I become a mother!'

Something along those lines, whatever you think would resonate with your particular group of friends.

In my friendship ground, we'd expect to pay for ourselves. I would also still buy you a gift regardless because I enjoy buying presents for my friends, but feel free to make it clear it's not an expectation and that you're not arranging a shower!

Friendship group*!

I think the suggestion bit of text that MaMaMaMySharona is spot on to what you could use.

Just ask your friends if they fancy afternoon tea before the baby’s born!

If everyone works how will you arrange it??

I think Sharona’s text is a good one.

Close friends may want to buy the baby gifts? Long as you’re clear and don’t ask I don’t see the issue. I put your presence is enough of a gift, however everyone bought lovely gifts for my dd. Had an Alice in wonderland shower, beautiful cake and food, summer of last year. It was wonderful.

Everyone on mumsnet is so anti, I had a great one. I allowed booze and it was like a big party. I’m inviting everyone who came this year to her christening party. But I will say no clothes or toys strictly gift cards if you do want to give a gift. As I don’t have space.

Photos included to give you idea, I don’t see the issues with them at all. Everyone enjoyed mine, and all the games we played it was such a laugh.

I repeat my question OP: If it's not a baby shower, what is it and why are you having it?

A party needs a focus, a reason. If you want to celebrate having a baby, own it. Call it a baby shower. If you don't want people spending loads of money just ask them to bring a book each. They will enjoy choosing one and it won't break the bank.

You say only 3 people would turn up to a bar-b-q so I think you have to decide WHY you want a party!

I did this i called it an afternoon tea and asked for no presents was lovely afternoon

I had a 'Last Hurrah' type party before DS was born. Invited partners and children too, it was a nice relaxed affair and great to see so many people. No presents expected or asked for but received some lovely ones anyway, especially some handmade ones.