Not a baby shower

[Karigan195]

Due to have a baby in August. There will be no other babies due to age and disinclination. Would rather like to have a baby shower but a traditional baby shower seems to me to be rather grabby and a bit tacky. My personal view and would never rain on anybody else’s choice to have one in real life.

So I’m kind of thinking instead to have a ‘not a baby shower’ where I just kind of get together with some of my best friends and have an afternoon tea or something. No gifts etc. Then though it’s a question of do I host and pay or each buys their own. I don’t get to see friends very much as we’re all pretty busy and I think it would be nice to have a little get together like that.

So AIBU 1: AIBU to have a not a baby shower (silly idea?)

Wibu to invite and each pays their own or should I pay?

No idea what’s best. Never been invited to a baby shower let alone considered this kind of thing.

It's a really awful American import.

They are also the done thing here in Canada. They are not considered grabby at all. I think they have lost something in "translation".

You can celebrate the impending arrival of a baby with a party. Just like you can celebrate or commemorate just about anything with a party.

It really doesn't have to be a shower (a specific type of party)

I'm sure you can word it to your friends in such a way that they do realise that it's more than just a BBQ

I went out for afternoon tea with some friends. They bought me a 'mum to be' sash but there were no gifts. I too think baby showers are too American and grabby. I would much rather people come and visit after the baby is here and bring a gift if they want to.

I had a bbq and didn’t ask for presents. It was just a celebration of about to become a mother

I'm having a "baby shower" in a few weeks, however I have specifically said no gifts.

Its at my mums house and wer having all friends and family down for an afternoon of food and games and just a bit of fun before the baby gets here.

Don't let people put you off. If calling it a baby shower is what you need to call it to get everyone together then so be it

Baby showers aren’t for me, personally. But it’s really, very none of my business if other people do them!

OP, if you want a baby shower then have one! I’m just confused by your motives. Mentioning baby showers at all will put people in mind of one so if you really don’t want one, organize a meal out.

But if you want one, just bloody have one!

We held a "mummy to be afternoon tea" for our friend rather than a baby shower. She wanted something low key and no gifts. Everyone seemed to get the message. It was nice as friends from different social circles all came together to celebrate whereas normally it would be separate circles

Absolutely fine. I also hate baby showers, mostly because they’re grabby and garish but a simple get together with no gifts expected sounds fine.

Oh, god, why oh fucking way is it becoming this incredibly tacky British tradition of having a 'non shower' and then expecting everyone to pay for it? That is not an American thing at all. The American custom isn't grabby or tacky, but the importation of it with its interpretation by Brits is.

Just have a BBQ at your house, maybe BYOB, don't expect people to stump up for a full on meal.

Call it a good catch up with your friends before the baby arrives? Because that is what it is?

@TwitterQueen1

It's a really awful American import. If you want a load of pressies just call it what it is.

No it isn’t awful, tacky or grabby. Brits are just interpreting it completely incorrectly when they try to implement it in a hamfisted fashion. Brits trying every which way not to “offend” people by going out of their way to say “no presents” and being all awkward. And then Americans get the blame. 🙄

Also, as far as I can tell, it was historically really normal in Britain to give new parents gifts anyway. Is it just because the name “baby shower” has been heard being used by Americans that some Brits are trying to reject the idea of hospitality now? 🙄

It looks like it, Jings. In N. America, the shower is given before the first baby arrives, only for the first baby, it's not thrown by the mum to be and you do not charge guests to attend. It's generally on a weekend afternoon, a couple of hours between lunch and dinner, women only, non-alcoholic tradition. No gift is expected after the baby arrives.

Here? Fucking hell! No wonder they get a bad rap here.

”Also, as far as I can tell, it was historically really normal in Britain to give new parents gifts anyway.”

Still is. New parents. Not prospective parents. British people expect to buy for a baby when it arrives, which is why it is seen as grabby when people want to be “showered” with presents beforehand as well,

”Is it just because the name “baby shower” has been heard being used by Americans that some Brits are trying to reject the idea of hospitality now?”

No, it’s because it’s a new thing. It’s not something British people always used to do now being called something different!

Having a party for the purpose of acquiring stuff (hence the name) isn’t “hospitality”. It’s grabby and attention-seeking.

People who want to buy for the baby will do so once it is safely here.

@flowery Having afternoon tea/a meal at your house or at a restaurant to celebrate a baby, whether before or after its arrival, is still a party! Just because you don’t call it a party doesn’t mean it isn’t. Sheesh.

We obviously have a different definition of hospitality. I don’t think it’s very hospitable to invite people to something where the main purpose of the gathering is for them to give you stuff.

We did this.we called it a pre baby gathering and it was lovely. We still got presents but though choice and we only invited family. I couldn't stand the thought of a proper full blown all girls baby shower- I wanted my husband there and all our family male and female! It was lovely just a little party for us. People did guess names and weights and due dates etc and we did a little sweep stake. It was fun!

@flowery my point is that Brits ready do this, as you yourself said. The only difference is that it’s after the baby arrives versus before in the US.

I said absolutely no such thing! British people do not traditional hold parties for the purpose of acquiring presents but just after the birth rather than before!

British people traditionally buy for the baby when it arrives, and either send the gift or bring it when they visit on an individual basis.

There is no British tradition of parties designing for “showering” anyone with stuff, it’s nothing to do with when it happens- it doesn’t happen at all!

Or rather, now it seems to. But it’s not a British tradition by any stretch of the imagination, and as I said, holding a gathering for the purpose of acquiring stuff is not remotely “hospitable”. It’s tacky and grabby.

Brits don't do this! At all. Never have.
As flowery says, traditionally we welcome babies once they are here. There is a huge difference.

A baby shower says "Give me presents! I want your presents! Let's talk about me." When your baby is here, the party says "Let's welcome a new life into the world." The focus is on the baby.

I just went out for dinner with my friends and called it The Last Supper. I really wanted one last, child free evening out without babysitter worries. It was lovely and everyone I wanted to come was there because I explained my reason for doing so.
Got a few presents which were lovely but totally unexpected.
I have nothing against baby showers for other people, any excuse to eat cake! Just never fancied it myself.

It's holding a celebration to celebrate something that hasn't happened, the arrival of a child, and expecting guests to give you a gift and pay for a meal/drinks/etc that's tacky.