Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so frustrated and angry at dh

45 replies

Arghhhhhhh12r · 13/05/2019 13:43

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

He does my head in. Moved to a new house a few months ago, we both worked hard, DH particularly with doing DIY including installing new kitchen but as normal we ran out of time before DH's holiday finished and he had to go back to work. Now for several weeks theres just the odd few little DIY jobs that never got quite finished that need doing.

Now hes back at work though he wont do anything! I have to ask several times before he does. This includes DiY and housework tasks.

I work part time two days a week as I look after our 1 year old the other three days. Now it's not that I expect Dh to do it all because hes a bloke but because most of it, I dont have the knowledge to do like replacing some of the plug sockets.

The kitchen tiles needed finishing grouting, I've done that this morning whilst looking after my one year old rather than wait for DH to do it because firstly, it's a DIY job I can do myself and because if I waited for DH it would never get done.

Next on my list was to sand the worktops down and oil them, again, it's a DIY job I can do and means theres less little jobs that DH needs to finish, only I've gone to the shed to find the sand paper and oil and its utter chaos. Stacked high with all his unorganised tools. My child is having a nap and I thought it was the perfect opportunity to get the worktops done but obviously I cant find the sandpaper! I rummaged around for a good half an hour and now I've got the bloody hump.

I knew one of the jobs he needed to do was get outside and put some shelves up in the shed and get it properly organised but I guess I thought it wouldn't be as horrendous as it was!

I spoke to him on the phone and made it obvious I was pissed off and he said, "you know the shed needs sorting but I havent had time yet," but I'm just so mad anyway so then he texts me and asks why I'm so horrible to him??? To which I reply not horrible but frustrated, no need for shed to be like that, etc. And then he says whatever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Arghhhhhhh12r · 13/05/2019 13:53

Every time I ever pull him up on anything, I'm accused of always attacking him, putting him down, being horrible to him, etc. I cant be annoyed by anything he does!!

OP posts:
Igotthemheavyboobs · 13/05/2019 13:57

Tbh I would be really cross if dp phoned me at work to have a go about the state of the shed! Why didn't you wait until he got home? What's he meant to do about it when he isn't even there?

Original poster
Arghhhhhhh12r · 13/05/2019 14:03

I didnt phone him at work. He was on his lunch break and phoned me so I mentioned it as I was rummaging in the shed when he phoned!

Jeez. I wouldn't phone him at work unless a genuine emergency arose

OP posts:
notacooldad · 13/05/2019 14:04

I would be narked with your phone call about an untidy shed when I was at work.

Next, ( I have done this so it's not internet bullshit) I'd get a handyman in to do the sweep up jobs so you can get to the next phase. They are cheap as chips and there's usually a notice in the co op or newsagent advertising someone's services. They are worth their weight in gold!!

notacooldad · 13/05/2019 14:05

Fair enough about your phone call, just seen the update after I posted.

Cherylshaw · 13/05/2019 14:06

I'd be annoyed if dp called me at work to moan and bitch about a mess. From what you have said it seems like you are nagging him quite a bit, he is maybe tired after work and not wanting to come home to start on electrics and sanding. Why not on his days off make a plan for the both of you to do odd jobs around the house. But if it is getting you really annoyed then maybe hire someone to do the last couple of jobs

Samind · 13/05/2019 14:07

You seem pretty stressed out OP! Hard as it sounds we all have flaws. Him being unorganised appears to be one of them.

His time off was spent sorting the kitchen out. Does he get any down time?

I appreciate you work hard too but you can't micromanage everything. Breathe out and have a cuppa to yourself. It is frustrating for you I'm sure but not everyone thinks, feels or acts the same way.

So just have a cuppa and enjoy the peace of bubs being asleep!

Original poster
Arghhhhhhh12r · 13/05/2019 14:22

Mon - Wed I stay at home and look after the baby. Do what chores I can get done in that time but some days its very little outside the basics. Dh gets home and changes, gives baby a bottle and puts him to bed whilst I do dinner, fold washing, etc. Then we both chill for the evening.

Thurs-fri we both work, then evening, same as other days, he sorts baby and puts to bed whilst I do cooking, washing, Hoover, etc. Then we both get down time.

But in my down time I'll also be organising and ordering food shop, meal planning, going over the budget, planning days out at weekends, etc.

This is a non issue really, the bloody shed. I just get frustrated with dh sometimes because hes so unorganised, incapable of planning more than an hour ahead and doesnt do stuff properly when he does it!

OP posts:
LillithsFamiliar · 13/05/2019 14:23

You've slipped in to acting like his parent, trying to cajole or annoy him into doing stuff. Just hire someone to finish the jobs he has left.
I have every sympathy. We've recently moved and there's at least one room that DH hasn't finished. He started to build a bespoke item of furniture. The rest of the room can't be finished until it's in place. I can't finish it and I can't get someone else to finish it because there's no plan, no materials, etc, as the design is in DH's head Hmm But if that wasn't the case and I couldn't do it myself, I'd have called someone in to do it
.

TheSerenDipitY · 13/05/2019 14:25

do as i do, go buy the shit you need to do the job, do the job, hide the shit for next time...
go tidy his shed... really tidy!.... they fucken love that!!!!!
then tidy his desk :) that one really gets then going!
mine learns, slowly, when he has to come to me to ask where everything is, or if hes found something and i snatch it off him say thats mine you go find your own one!!

DuMondeB · 13/05/2019 14:26

Moving house is fucking stressful.
So is going back to work knowing you didn’t get everything done.
So is living in a house with an unfinished kitchen and a messy shed.

Take a step back and a deep breath, don’t let a messy shed cause a massive row at a time when you are both already stressed. It’ll make things worse, not better.

Ask DH to sit down with you and plan out a realistic timescale to get all the outstanding jobs done and share them out in relationship to skill set and time at home.

It won’t get everything done straight away, but having a realistic plan will stop stress escalating for both of you.

Congrats on your new home!

NoBaggyPants · 13/05/2019 14:27

This is a non issue really,

Perfectly summed up. Chill out and get things in perspective.

Lllot5 · 13/05/2019 14:27

Some men leave diy on purpose knowing you can’t do it, makes them feel important. Don’t know if this is what’s going on here but definitely was for me.

GPatz · 13/05/2019 14:27

I imagine if you tried to hired someone to do it, DH would nag you over the costs.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2019 14:29

I just get frustrated with dh sometimes because hes so unorganised, incapable of planning more than an hour ahead and doesnt do stuff properly when he does it!

I'm like this. Since childhood. And wishing I was different won't help. But he could pay for a handyperson or hold the baby while you do stuff.

Kokeshi123 · 13/05/2019 14:38

From what you have said it seems like you are nagging him quite a bit

I hate it when women get accused of nagging for asking the guy to do things which are supposed to be on his to-do list. It sounds like the OP is doing quite a lot even in her supposed down-time and she is coming across as being a more organized person.

Agree with DuMonde--sit down together at the weekend and work out a schedule for getting things done, and put it down in writing and stick it on the fridge. This should include making sure that the tools and equipment are ready for you to take care of those DIY jobs that you are able to do. Outsourcing some jobs to some paid help would also help.

jameswong · 13/05/2019 14:38

God you sound awful. No idea how the poor guy copes.

Tinkobell · 13/05/2019 14:40

OP. Write a list and add another x 4 columns detailing - agreed completion date, budget, resource (DIY or outsource) and who owns it (you or him) - do fortnightly reviews. Get some agreement at the higher level. Be a manager not a micro manager or nagger.....else you will drive yourself mad.

CupOhTea · 13/05/2019 14:53

My DH does not have a to do list afaik... and if he did, there is no way I would start chasing him to complete it. He's an adult and I trust him to do things when he can. If he hasn't done them, I assume it's because he can't do it, or he was too tired or he just forgot. Not a big thing at all. I mean, unless it's something serious, like feeding a child or collecting them from nursery etc.

It works both ways and I'd not like it if he came home and started chasing me to put clothes away etc.

You sound super stressed. I do think, if you could afford it, maybe a handyman would help everyone calm down a bit.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2019 14:57

God you sound awful. No idea how the poor guy copes.

Based on what? One short conversation and one text? I'm sure your house is like Mary fucking Poppins all the time. IME in couples who never argue, someone isn't getting their needs met. Happened to a friend of mine. No arguments then 'out of the blue' his wife left. Turns out she wasn't happy and he was, but she didn't 'nag' heaven forfend.

CupOhTea · 13/05/2019 15:10

I mean, arguing is normal, and needs have to be met etc, but this level of stress over not doing the DIY..? He said he feels attacked and if it's just about the DIY, that seems quite sad. Maybe if I knew him, or more about the relationship, I'd get it. But I do think getting so wound up over a messy shed is a bit much.

If DIY is the only thing he does round the house to help though, it is annoying that he refuses to do anything. I'd be really unhappy if my DH refused to help with dc bedtime or nursery drop off, just cos he couldn't be arsed.

Original poster
Arghhhhhhh12r · 13/05/2019 16:38

Rightly or wrongly I just hate him

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2019 16:46

That escalated!

Samind · 13/05/2019 16:52

You hate him? Are you feeling ok OP? Is there anything else going on?

steppemum · 13/05/2019 17:27

whoa! That went from frustration over unfinished jobs to hatred!
Please explain OP.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.