To feel so frustrated and angry at dh

[Arghhhhhhh12r]

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

He does my head in. Moved to a new house a few months ago, we both worked hard, DH particularly with doing DIY including installing new kitchen but as normal we ran out of time before DH's holiday finished and he had to go back to work. Now for several weeks theres just the odd few little DIY jobs that never got quite finished that need doing.

Now hes back at work though he wont do anything! I have to ask several times before he does. This includes DiY and housework tasks.

I work part time two days a week as I look after our 1 year old the other three days. Now it's not that I expect Dh to do it all because hes a bloke but because most of it, I dont have the knowledge to do like replacing some of the plug sockets.

The kitchen tiles needed finishing grouting, I've done that this morning whilst looking after my one year old rather than wait for DH to do it because firstly, it's a DIY job I can do myself and because if I waited for DH it would never get done.

Next on my list was to sand the worktops down and oil them, again, it's a DIY job I can do and means theres less little jobs that DH needs to finish, only I've gone to the shed to find the sand paper and oil and its utter chaos. Stacked high with all his unorganised tools. My child is having a nap and I thought it was the perfect opportunity to get the worktops done but obviously I cant find the sandpaper! I rummaged around for a good half an hour and now I've got the bloody hump.

I knew one of the jobs he needed to do was get outside and put some shelves up in the shed and get it properly organised but I guess I thought it wouldn't be as horrendous as it was!

I spoke to him on the phone and made it obvious I was pissed off and he said, "you know the shed needs sorting but I havent had time yet," but I'm just so mad anyway so then he texts me and asks why I'm so horrible to him??? To which I reply not horrible but frustrated, no need for shed to be like that, etc. And then he says whatever.

Do the DIY yourself and ask your husband to cook instead. If he refuses, just make food for yourself and your baby until he gets the message.

If he won't do it tell him you have booked an electrician or plumber or what ever tradesman you need to do it.

Do you hate him all the time or are you just stressed and tired and hate him right now?

Sometimes I hate him and sometimes I dont but its more often than not at the moment.

We aren't in the best place where he is envious that I have three days at home and dont have to get up at 6am everyday and I'm envious of him getting to go to work five days a week. He acknowledges that my days at home arent just a doddle and can be tiring but he also thinks I make them harder for myself and he could do it better, etc. (He has children from a previous marriage and always mentions the fact he has experience, etc.) I know he doesnt have it easy at work and I get that.

As much as I love our child, I find my days at home with him mentally and physically draining, mundane and completely lacking stimulation. I feel far happier, free, less stressed and more exhilarated and stimulated at the end of the day on my work days and I dont think my DH gets it.

He does the bare minimum he thinks he can get away with around the house (not including looking after DC because hes very hands on when hes not at work) and he leaves me to carry the mental load. I feel our life is unorganised and chaotic because I'm struggling to keep it organised solely by myself. I struggle to get to sleep because theres so much whizzing round my head that needs doing.

Theres so much more but I dont want to go on about it and I'm probably being stupid anyway

I know this comes under the heading of asking the bleedin' obvious, but given what you've just written is there a reason why you can't work FT while he goes PT and does the three days childcare?

Hes the much higher earner and we wouldnt be able to survive month to month sadly and that's even without Nursery fees to contend with if he went part time

he also thinks I make them harder for myself and he could do it better, etc

I'd hate him for that too.

Can you buy in help?

Unfortunately it is the mundane excuses of why he can't do certain chores/he will only do it to the best of his ability that are probably frustrating you.

Why men feel the need to behave in this manner is beyond me !!!!

At least he is happy and able to give your LO his bottle

If it didn't involve a football my exh was not interested in helping.

If you hate him, it sort of makes sense that you find this so annoying! When you dislike someone and have to live with them, EVERYTHING is annoying.

Have you thought about couples counseling? Sorry if that's an impractical idea! Has he any idea how you are feeling?

hmm, sounds to me as if you could both do with some support.
But if you can't access that, then I would sit down in a non confrontational way, and suggest you split some of the jobs so that you are each responsible for different things, and then that becomes his job, and you can stop carrying the mental load for it.

This only works though if you genuinely do put it down. So, supposing he decided he was responsible for laundry, and you can see that he hasn't done any, then you don't step in, you don't remind, you don't do anything, you wait until he see it. In the meantime, you can wash a load of yours and babies clothes so you have enough. He then runs out of pants/socks and that is his problem.

I do understand the DIY frustration. Dh and I make a list together of what needs doing round the house, and decide what we are going to prioritise and who does what. I think sometimes the list is so long that it is exhausting, but saying - right let's get the worktops in the kitchen finished, so this weekend, I'll do the sanding, if you can do the electric sockets? Anything we need to buy? Right, I'll sort that on friday. That way the task is ONE job, and on Saturday night you can crack open a bottle of wine and celebrate one job well finished.

Or, look at the list and say - look realistically we are never going to get through this, which is your least favourite job, lest get someone in to sort that.

Hes the much higher earner and we wouldnt be able to survive month to month sadly and that's even without Nursery fees to contend with if he went part time

This is going to sound really harsh, but this reminded me of MIL. She sees work as a fun hobby, it is a basic job that you just turn up to, do the work and go home and largely forget about it, she could not support a household with it if she worked FT. For those of us who can support the family because we have built a career which involves lots of hard work, stress, pressure, responsibility and in some cases danger, it wears a bit thin being treated like you have spent the day stacking shelves and daydreaming about Disneyland, and you should be happy and full of energy at the end of each day.

Is it possible you are totally underestimating here? I work FT where I am progressing in my career, come home and do food/house/kids stuff and bigger jobs can generally FTFO until a weekend or a holiday or I will just hire someone to do them, if that sounds like DH it doesn't seem all that U to me.

I think if you're working FT in a 'career' job, rather than a 'for fun and just to get me out of the house really' job, AND you are doing your fair share of childcare when you're not working, I think that your OH getting full on angry with you that you're not also doing jobs around the house that a lot of people would employ a professional for must be horrible.

But, it sounds as if there's more to this than DIY. Not many people would say they hate their partners. It sounds quite serious.

None of these things will be a non-issue in 25 yrs, let me tell you!
Try and get them sorted now or they along with other th8ngs will become too big to sort out!
Good luck!

Hes unsupportive and thinks he can everything I do better
He never has any words of praise only criticism and how I'm doing it all wrong and how he can do it better but I tell him this is how I feel and he tells me its ridiculous absurd etc and only primary school children look for praise and totally missed my point

Please google the word narcissist.

I believe you need a time out. You sound knackered and annoyed.
If he thinks he can do better.....let him. Down tools for the weekend. Make plans (only for yourself) do not arrange childcare, food shop, wash ironing, etc... and tell him as you’re leaving for a spa weekend on Friday night!
Mine was the same, if he was going out, out he went, and call me 3am pissed of his head for a lift.
If I wanted to go out, cook his tea, and the kids, feed them, do the ironing for school tomorrow, feed the dog ....etc. Then have 15 mins to get ready, drive myself there, have a drink, drive myself home. And he was always able to do things better....until he had to!
Take time out to reassess what You want. Maybe you could send him an email, stating how you feel. Can’t ignore that.
I wish you good luck. X

You poor thing OP, you sound so stressed! I would also be irritated by my DP not getting on with things, but I suspect you're both just having a hard time moving into a place that needed a lot of work with a small child.

I agree with the suggestion to find a local handyman to do the bits for you. Once it's done you guys will both feel much calmer :)

Ugh just read the second page I didn't see. Then OP you def need to take yourself off for a weekend minus baby and see how well DP manages taking on the work you do every day.

I'd get a handyman in to do the sweep up jobs so you can get to the next phase. They are cheap as chips and there's usually a notice in the co op or newsagent advertising someone's services. They are worth their weight in gold!!

Start here for both of your sakes!

Then put some holidays in for the two days when DC is in childcare and talk to each other about other things than the house.

I'm really sorry you're feeling dejected atm OP

Everyone needs to feel appreciated. Everyone. And in healthy relationships everyone is.

Get someone to come and give an itemised quote for finishing the work. Then you can decide whether to pay anyone to do some if it.