Telling in-laws about pregnancy after 2 mc's *trigger warning*

[HamiltonBentley]

Have nc'd for this.

Not sure if this is pregnancy hormones or I'm NBU here. Will try not to drip feed.

Had a MC just over 2 years ago. Fell pregnant on the coil. DH (then DF) and I had literally just got engaged and were in the process of buying a house together (LDR) & I lost the baby at 14 weeks due to the placenta not forming with the coil present. Had announced the pregnancy on Facebook, told everyone, were really excited and in my naivety, MC hadn't ever crossed my mind.

18months later, married, living together, the "right time" as such - fell pregnant again and miscarried at 8 weeks. DH had told his parents and family, I had told mine and we'd told a couple of friends. As most are, the second mc was truly traumatic. I was sent home from the hospital after they told me I was definitely not miscarrying and everything was fine... to be rushed back in almost as soon as we walked in through the front door and ended up delivering my baby in the hospital waiting room toilets with the nurses telling DH "we can't see her right now." Really awful.
My family were great, his family were great, friends were supportive... everyone was... with the exception of MIL.

We don't get on at all. As soon as we got engaged and announced our first pregnancy, she was horrid to me. She tried to cancel our wedding, she'd let herself in the house when I drove back home to visit my family for the weekend and rearrange rooms/furniture... Since our wedding in July, I've been virtually NC. DH will speak to her a few times a week.

24hrs after the second mc, I had a message from her asking if I was "ok now?". I didn't reply.
A week later, FIL, who is lovely, came round to see DHs new car and MIL rocked up too. DH and FIL were outside (out of earshot) and she asked me, whilst I was sat on the sofa still bleeding heavily, what I thought I did wrong...? Do I think I can't have children...? Is there a history of infertility in my side of the family as there certainly isn't in hers (despite SIL having a mc)...? A few months ago, she kept asking if I was pregnant despite me saying no SO many times (I was on my period at the time and desperately upset about it ).

Now pregnant again... 5 weeks tomorrow so early days and my anxiety levels are through the roof. DH & I agreed that we weren't going to tell anyone until 12 weeks. My parents came to stay this weekend and DH got a little drunk and blurted it out. Now we've had a massive argument because he thinks it's only fair that his parents know as my parents know?

His reasoning is that as I've been so rough, sick and tired this weekend they would have guessed anyway?

I'm so, so upset and can't stop crying. I don't know if I'm being unfair or just hormonal 😢

Imo your body so you get to decide.
And given their zero fucks to you at best - dh can tell them when your dc graduates uni...

You're not being unfair. You didn't even chose to tell your parents, he blurted it out. He is being an arse

He told your parents though, not you. Because he can't hold his water when he's pissed.
I'm not sure why he would even want to tell his parents with their track record.

@Mayalready he's saying it's his baby so his right to tell them. I said until I deliver, IF this baby makes it, then it's my body and my decisions. He's not usually this much of an arse, it's so upsetting.

@comedycentral I don't understand either. I'm crying and shaking at the thought of MIL knowing and me MCing again and he's adamant they have every right to know.

No you are definitely not BU. He told your parents, not you. Did he do it on purpose so that he could have an excuse to tell his side?
To be honest, telling your MIL is the least of your worries. My DH would hit the roof of his mother was treating me like this. He certainly wouldn't be on the phone to her several times a week and pressuring me to include them in such an anxious time when you need support. It's been done to absolute death on MN but I'm afraid you don't (only) have an MIL problem, you (also - and more importantly) have a DH problem.

Tell him if his loyalties are to them he best move back home....

@Ratatatouille I don't think so, no. I think he's seen the excitement from my parent this weekend (first grandchild) and wants that attention from his.

Why isn’t your DH standing up for you? Why aren’t you coming first?

I’m sorry about your miscarriages - I hope this pregnancy is much happier.

My DH wouldn’t be speaking to anyone a few times a week if they were hateful to me of his own accord, even if it was his mother.

Thank you @Merryoldgoat that's really kind x

I already have @Mayalready - I've now, very childishly, stormed off and left him with DSF, who is absolutely wonderful and is the kindest, loveliest human I know, so I'm hoping he'll talk some sense into DH.

So sorry for your losses OP I've been there and have said to DH if we do conceive again then NOBODY is going to know until at least 12 weeks, so I'm with you on that.

More so because your MIL is such an unbelievable cow. Does your DH know all the things she's said to you?

Did you tell him she blamed your second mc on what she indicated she thinks are your side's faulty genes and that she asked what you'd done to cause it?

You need to toxic parents in law and the toxic parent books.

You are completely in the right.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s getting stick off his mother, and probably feeling the pressure to get you pregnant, and if that’s the case, maybe he wants to get her off his back by telling his parents now that you are.
However, men can be dense, and so oblivious. After two losses, he may think that a pregnancy is solely a happy thing, while we know different. I can’t lie, I think he’s being an unsupportive dick, whether he realises it or not, so speak to him, tell him the arguing isn’t helping, explain why you’re so anxious, don’t hold back. It will do you good to get it all off your chest either way. Good luck ❤️

X post @Merryoldgoat I do struggle with this, but then I remember she is his mum. I lost my dad very suddenly, he was 53, and the last conversation I had with him, I slammed the phone down in teenage angst and regretted it for the rest of my life I think that has struck a nerve with him.

Thank you @cheeseislife8 - I'm sorry for yours too yes, but when he goes to question her, she completely denies it and will never do it in earshot. He never pressures me to spend any time with her/see/speak to her but for major life events like this, I think the child in him is desperate for her approval.

@hammeringinmyhead yes. He thinks that she was trying to be nice but struggling to know what the right thing to say is... which I appreciate. Miscarriage is a horrible topic and there is no right way to approach us however I would have much sooner been offered an "I'm sorry to hear, how are you holding up" than the Spanish Inquisition as to why I dared lose her sons baby for the second time 😢

I really don't think anything she said could be taken as misguided niceties! Regardless of her intentions she upset you and he should want to avoid her doing so again. What's he going to say if she says something like "Hopefully HamiltonBentley won't miscarry this one"? It should be a joint agreement when to tell.

Some partners can still be dicks even after miscarriages. They don’t get just how stressful it is and how the potential for another one is still there.

My husband was a dick - he booked a flight for 12 weeks. (We had a 10 week scan which was fine) so I actually took my best friend to the 12 week scan where I previously had a MMC. (The MMC was my second miscarriage). She was happy but I was still so numb from the previous losses. The trip was so that DH could see his parents and tell them our news.

I think it is a slow process for some men to prioritise their wives over their mothers. It doesn’t happen straight away. So be honest and explain that your MIL has said some unkind things when you have been the most vulnerable. He won’t get it but eventually he will understand.

I'm really sorry about your losses, OP. I've been in the same situation. I'd had multiple miscarriages before my in-laws were ever told I'd had any. The last one was quite late and ended in a mess, with my developing a very nasty uterine infection. We visited them that Christmas while I was still recovering, and they treated me abominably.

When I did eventually have DC, they were not told until beyond the 12-week scan and I'd have rather not have told them at all. It must be so distressing that your DP has gone behind your back and told them; even more so that he apparently has so little respect for your wishes. I'd be furious (and was, when I was the one in a similar position).

But they're in the know, unfortunate though that is, and he can't untell them now. After her treatment of you last time, however, you don't personally have to play ball. In your position I'd be staying well out of her way throughout the duration of my pregnancy, and possibly also beyond. This is self-preservation, and there's nothing unreasonable about it at all.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I'm sorry it had to happen like this. Pregnancy after loss is a bewildering and terrifying experience, as anyone who's endured it will testify. Get as much support, peace and comfort around you as you possibly can whilst you're negotiating this, and if this means spending more time with your own parents, so be it.

I hope it all goes smoothly for you, and that your DP receives either a hefty kick up the arse or a loud wake up call which enables him to see sense. Sending all positive vibes your way.

....I am very sorry for your losses. It such a hard thing to go through. Xx

@MarieIVanArkleStinks oh no where did I write that? They aren't in the know, yet

I'm so sorry to hear about your losses too.

Dh now gone to bed, he has begrudgingly agreed 12 weeks. I'm sure we'll revisit this tomorrow when my parents are home and I'm sure he's only agreed to appease me in front of my parents.

I do feel guilty as FIL is undergoing cancer treatment and DH protested that it would make him happy no end to hear the news (he truly is a lovely person) but there is no way he can know without MIL knowing. I appreciate I'm catastrophising but it would add so much stress and anxiety to such an already awful few weeks.

I am alone down here, I moved 200 miles to be with him and have no family to turn to if things go wrong. So a thorn in my side is really the last thing I need.

I'm so glad to know that I'm not just being awful though.

Sorry - my misunderstanding. I'm really glad your DH has been able to see your position. And I'm sorry, too, that your FiL is so ill. But don't ever let anyone minimize - either now or when you tell them further down the line - the awful stress of being pregnant after suffering a loss. It's a very scary time, and if holding off until 12 weeks is going to make things easier for you, I'm very happy that seems to be what's going to happen xxx

To you OP! I never knew the pain of infertility or miscarriage but I can only imagine. Best wishes to you. God I wish I had been your wingman that day your MIL (monster in law) interrogated you so fresh from your trauma! I'd have educated her that a male can contribute to mc as well so to blame you is beyond the pale. Grr

Oh wow I’d be worried with this....it’s the first test (if that’s the right word?) of him being a daddy and he’s failing epically.
With everything you’ve been through he should be asking exactly what you need and what can he do for you and bending over backward to keep you calm and happy
This ‘it’s my baby and I’ll do what I want regardless of your obvious distress’ never bodes well

YANBU

and congratulations

He really shouldn't have told anyone. There is no need to say anything to anyone until your second scan and especially not with your history. He may be excited but he should not have blurted it out like that. I would have been furious and would be insisting that he says nothing to anyone else and trust that your parents won't say anything - which I'm sure they won't if you ask them.