Telling in-laws about pregnancy after 2 mc's *trigger warning*

[HamiltonBentley]

Have nc'd for this.

Not sure if this is pregnancy hormones or I'm NBU here. Will try not to drip feed.

Had a MC just over 2 years ago. Fell pregnant on the coil. DH (then DF) and I had literally just got engaged and were in the process of buying a house together (LDR) & I lost the baby at 14 weeks due to the placenta not forming with the coil present. Had announced the pregnancy on Facebook, told everyone, were really excited and in my naivety, MC hadn't ever crossed my mind.

18months later, married, living together, the "right time" as such - fell pregnant again and miscarried at 8 weeks. DH had told his parents and family, I had told mine and we'd told a couple of friends. As most are, the second mc was truly traumatic. I was sent home from the hospital after they told me I was definitely not miscarrying and everything was fine... to be rushed back in almost as soon as we walked in through the front door and ended up delivering my baby in the hospital waiting room toilets with the nurses telling DH "we can't see her right now." Really awful.
My family were great, his family were great, friends were supportive... everyone was... with the exception of MIL.

We don't get on at all. As soon as we got engaged and announced our first pregnancy, she was horrid to me. She tried to cancel our wedding, she'd let herself in the house when I drove back home to visit my family for the weekend and rearrange rooms/furniture... Since our wedding in July, I've been virtually NC. DH will speak to her a few times a week.

24hrs after the second mc, I had a message from her asking if I was "ok now?". I didn't reply.
A week later, FIL, who is lovely, came round to see DHs new car and MIL rocked up too. DH and FIL were outside (out of earshot) and she asked me, whilst I was sat on the sofa still bleeding heavily, what I thought I did wrong...? Do I think I can't have children...? Is there a history of infertility in my side of the family as there certainly isn't in hers (despite SIL having a mc)...? A few months ago, she kept asking if I was pregnant despite me saying no SO many times (I was on my period at the time and desperately upset about it ).

Now pregnant again... 5 weeks tomorrow so early days and my anxiety levels are through the roof. DH & I agreed that we weren't going to tell anyone until 12 weeks. My parents came to stay this weekend and DH got a little drunk and blurted it out. Now we've had a massive argument because he thinks it's only fair that his parents know as my parents know?

His reasoning is that as I've been so rough, sick and tired this weekend they would have guessed anyway?

I'm so, so upset and can't stop crying. I don't know if I'm being unfair or just hormonal 😢

Your body- your choice. Your DH isn't covering himself in glory here.

Your MIL sounds like an absolute bitch, make sure you keep your boundaries strong when you have the baby.

All the best for your pregnancy.

I'm sorry for your losses. There's no need for it to be the same: your parents are different people with different reactions. My in laws are lovely, but we told them after the 12 week scan having told mine at 6 weeks. They are more anxious people whereas mine were really reassuring when I needed that (I'd also had a previous miscarriage although I was lucky that it was only one).

I'd also be inclined to point out to him that, since he arbitrarily decides when to tell your parents, it's only fair that you are now in charge of when to tell his.

I've been there too with MC so feel your pain and anxiety.
Just tell your DH you need zero stress and anxiety, but telling your MIL, after all she's done is too much for you right now, you need to feel peace, not stress

Good luck, FWIW we now have two children after multiple first trimester mc, and it's not you, it's likely there was a genetic problem which is most usual, and bad luck as well as nobody's fault ... but it will happen for you

Slightly off the point, but I hope you've taken steps to ensure your MiL can't let herself into your house again whenever she feels like it?

@EKGEMS thank you - I only wish you could have been too.

I was so shocked, and in so much pain and discomfort I dutifully answered her questions before running upstairs in tears. I fantasise about the day I sit down and explain to her that there is a 50% chance it could have been a genetic abnormality from her precious son that caused it.

Thanks @Oohgossip - I appreciate he's excited but do feel so let down by him.

Thanks @notangelinajolie I completely agree with you. The idea was both parents at 12 and every one else at 20 - I thought that was fair.

@YesimstillwatchingNetflix thank you  luckily I don't think she will be interested in the baby after the initial novelty has worn off. The 4 that she has, living closer than us, she has no interest in so can't see why she'd be any different with us.

Sorry for your losses too @flumpybear 

@Acis yes DH has become much firmer with her and would bite her head off should she pull a stunt like that again. It does amaze me, however, that DH is happy for her to make me cry a week after losing my baby but won't let her in the house....

Hi OP

She sounds awful. I've not had a miscarriage but I'd never ever think 'what did you do to cause it' let alone think it, that's vile and anyone can see its unsupportive. The fact she does it out of earshot shows you that she also knows she's being horrible - if it was a genuine case of accidentally saying the wrong thing she'd do it openly

I'd also be feeling massively let down by your husband. It was his choice to go back on what youd agreed not yours so he should be apologising for that, not using you as an excuse to do it again by telling his parents!

His priority at the moment should be helping you through the next few weeks as understandably you'll find them stressful. Why does he think his wanting to tell his parents trumps your need for support and calm? Why does he actively want to do something that history tells you is going to upset you? Yes it's his baby but at the moment legally and morally you get to decide what happens

I'd be extremely hurt and worried about why he thinks it's ok to do something to really upset you at such a time. You're not asking him not to tell his parents just when you agreed

I’m sorry for your losses and hope this one works out for you .

DP and I were in the same position. Two miscarriages at 11 and 12 weeks, we had both told close relatives and friends both times so had the hideous miscarriage announcement after the first scan. Decided not to tell a soul the third time until after the first scan which was fine.

Your DP told your family, not you. He should do whatever you’re comfortable with imo, you’re obviously anxious and worried as anyone in this situation would be.

Oh and your MIL just needs informing that nobody causes miscarriages, they are almost always a spontaneous event that is out of your control.

Wow your dh sounds horrible
I’d be mad as hell with him
He should tell his mother to shut up and Bugger off

You've hit the nail on the head there @Meringue. She could have asked her son what he thinks may have caused it, if the drs could shed any light on why it happened... all perhaps insensitive but not unreasonable question from a concerned, supportive parent.... the fact she targeted me as soon as he left the room speaks volumes.

@outvoid thank you, and I'm so sorry for your losses too was your DP ok not telling anyone the third time round?

I genuinely don't think DH is being awful on purpose. He is so unbelievably excited and I think seeing how excited and happy my parents were on the weekend made him feel slightly jealous. If I had told my parents, I would absolutely give him the go ahead to tell his, as that's only fair... except I didn't. So surely me sticking to my guns isn't U in the slightest, is it?

I genuinely don't think DH is being awful on purpose. He is so unbelievably excited and I think seeing how excited and happy my parents were on the weekend made him feel slightly jealous. If I had told my parents, I would absolutely give him the go ahead to tell his, as that's only fair... except I didn't. So surely me sticking to my guns isn't U in the slightest, is it?
Your DP needs to grow up and be a supportive partner and an adult. He's not buying a puppy - far more is involved here, particularly with what happened the last couple of times.

Good luck and fingers crossed for you Bentley. 🌹