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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask not to be a bridesmaid anymore

39 replies

wouldthatbeworse · 12/05/2019 18:48

I’m not very into weddings but a close friend asked me to be bridesmaid and I said yes. But I’m now pregnant with DS2. If baby born on due date (unlikely) he’ll be 11 weeks at hen do and 16 weeks at wedding.

I just feel like I’m not being a proper bridesmaid. I’m unsure if I can make hen do. The other bridesmaid has organised this in a place meaningful to the bride but it’s 4 hours away and realistically even if I went for a few hours that’s a long time to leave a new baby.

I’m being pressured to choose a dress with the other bridesmaid which is impossible as I don’t know where I’ll be on baby weight. And I don’t know how I’m going to support bride on day/go for hair and make up with her while juggling two small DSs. My DH is an usher and he’ll try and help but won’t just be able to take both kids.

So can I tell The bride that I don’t think it’ll work for me to do it or do I just have to stick with it and try my best. Wedding still 4 months away.

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 12/05/2019 18:53

Just tell her!

anonforthespies43267 · 12/05/2019 18:53

I would tell her your concerns and ask if she still wants you to be a bridesmaid. That’s what one of mine did in a similar situation and I said yes of course I did and to only do what she felt she could do x

GottenGottenGotten · 12/05/2019 18:54

So the wedding is 4 months away, and the baby will be 16 weeks by then - you must be ready to drop. How did you now think of this sooner?

Drum2018 · 12/05/2019 18:59

YANBU. Tell her asap so she can ask someone else. Good that she hasn't bought dress yet so she won't have lost out financially at all. I wouldn't commit to the hen night either as baby might only be 9 weeks at that stage if overdue. Any good friend will understand that you can't commit and it's best to give her plenty of notice.

RSAcre · 12/05/2019 19:02

You have to find a time to talk to your friend & quietly tell her everything you stated in your post.

  1. If she is a good friend she will understand & you can simply attend as a guest.

  2. However be prepared that you might get a surprise about the quality of friendship possibly not being mutual - i.e. possibility Of Bridezilla-y ranting on your selfishness in deliberately knocking yourself up at any point coinciding with the run up to & conclusion of Her Big Day.

If 1) - happy days. If 2) - you're best off out of it anyway, & can focus on your happy news without being used as a prop for someone else's drama.
So either way you will know where you are & can be comfortable that at least YOU have done the best you can.

Congratulations on your pregnancy :)

CripsSandwiches · 12/05/2019 19:16

YANBU I think you need to tell her in confidence. The exact same thing happened to me (I was living abroad which made it particularly difficult) and I'm so glad I backed out in good time rather than letting her down (which I would have done as I would never have fit the dress or been up for the hen night).

Original poster
wouldthatbeworse · 12/05/2019 19:32

Thanks for the responses. Gotten - I know I should have dealt with it sooner. I’ve been kidding myself that I can be the sort of breezy no fuss person that just gets on with things. But I’m not. Bride is not being unreasonable re wedding so far but she has waited a long time to get married and may not be impressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
wouldthatbeworse · 12/05/2019 19:33

Ps I have told bride that I might not make hen weeks ago.

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 12/05/2019 19:33

She will get over it

TSSDNCOP · 12/05/2019 19:38

I think you have to say that, under the circumstances, you don’t think you’ll be able to give the bride the sort of support you’d like in the run up and on the day.

You can say, It doesn’t stop you from doing other things to help and that you’ll be there on the day just not in an official capacity.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/05/2019 19:55

Actually I think the bride is entitled to be a bit of a bridezilla about it. You weren't pregnant when she asked so if you were trying to conceive you should of perhaps refused or stopped for the couple of months it would interfer with the wedding. If it was accidental then you have had 8 months to talk to her. Not leave it to the last minute. If she asks another person now it will look very much like they are a replacement for you.

CherryPavlova · 12/05/2019 19:58

I think just a calm conversation is in order. I think I’d be pleased for you and delighted not to have to juggle late pregnancy along with wedding plans. A good friend will understand.

TSSDNCOP · 12/05/2019 22:16

The wedding is still 4 months away, in other words at least August. Honestly I think that’s enough time for another BM to be identified and gowned up.

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 12/05/2019 22:52

'You weren't pregnant when she asked so if you were trying to conceive you should of perhaps refused or stopped for the couple of months it would interfer with the wedding'

What the FUCK Shock

StillCoughingandLaughing · 12/05/2019 22:57

If she asks another person now it will look very much like they are a replacement for you.

She already has another bridesmaid; the one who is organising the hen do. Why can’t she just have one?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/05/2019 23:17

Because @itscallednickingbentcoppers it is reasonable to assume oart of being a bridesmaid is the hen do, dress shopping and getting the hair and make up down with the bride. None of this is easy with a tiny baby so having made a commitment to be a bridesmaid that is something I would have thought about if I was trying to conceive and maybe waited for a bit, being a pregnant bridesmaid is easier than being a bridesmaid with a tiny baby.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 12/05/2019 23:21

I apologised and bowed out for he same reason and my friend was totally fine about it. No issues. I think it’s worse to go along and then be flakey at the last minute for a predictable reason. Being a bridesmaid with a tiny baby is really tough and most of the time way more stress than it’s worth for either party.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 12/05/2019 23:24

Also, no way should you stop trying to conceive because someone is a wedding planned and you agreed to be a bridesmaid. That’s batshit. It took me 4.5 years to conceive....

RSAcre · 12/05/2019 23:55

You weren't pregnant when she asked so if you were trying to conceive you should of perhaps refused or stopped for the couple of months it would interfer with the wedding.

This is a joke, right @sweenytoddsrazor ?

WTF qualifies you to dictate when another woman is "allowed" to conceive her presumably longed-for child?
Suppose this was the OP's last/only chance at conception, & she had followed your bizarre reasoning only to lose out on ever having a child?

Even is she has 14 kids already & has a magic fertility card up her sleeve, what a bizarre thing to say to another woman!
[peers sternly over half-moon specs] - were you by any chance, or are you knowingly planning aforrthought, to be a bit of a Bridezilla yourself, Sweeny?!

Heartofglass12345 · 13/05/2019 00:01

What about if you asked for a compromise, for example shopping for the dresses after the baby is born and finding one you feel comfortable in.
I suppose the only thing is on the day as the bridesmaids are usually with the bride for a while before the actual wedding, which might make things more difficult with feeding the baby etc.
I would just have a chat with her and explain your concerns and try and make her understand that you aren't being selfish but you don't want to spoil her plans or make things awkward for her.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/05/2019 00:06

You weren't pregnant when she asked so if you were trying to conceive you should of perhaps refused or stopped for the couple of months it would interfer with the wedding
Eh?? So with no idea how OP conceived, how long she'd been trying etc, she should have stopped ttc for a year?
Just pregnant at time of wedding - awful morning sickness, can't drink
Few months to fairly heavily pregnant - bump grows randomly, dressmight not fit
Heavily pregnant - people coping over bump, risk of labour at wedding, nothing fits and bridesmaid is barefoot
Brand new baby to few months old - bordesmaid in accessible dress,constantly off to nurse baby etc

When exactly would you want your bridesmaids to conceive? On your wedding night??

cstaff · 13/05/2019 00:31

@wouldthat
Well obviously you should have put this pregnancy off until it suited your friend better. Maybe you should have even asked her permission. Too funny Grin.

Now getting back to real life - you do need to have a chat with the bride. If she is a proper mate this shouldn't be a problem. Good luck op.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/05/2019 00:59

No I am not a bridezilla or trying to dictate when someone concieves. I just think that knowing the sort of thing a bridesmaid tends to have to do and how difficult those things are with a new born it would make sense to avoid being in that situation either by refusing in the first place or by waiting. If the OP didn't want to wait she could quite easily have said she didn't want to risk being unable to do all the bridesmaid type things if she were pregnant and then the bride would have had a chance to say either thats ok I understand or I dont give 2 hoots about you coming on my hen and having your hair and make up done I just want you as my bridesmaid on my day however that works for you.

Butteredghost · 13/05/2019 00:59

Obviously putting of TTC would be ridiculous but there is a middle ground here and that would have been telling the bride months ago that you want to back out. It was a bit silly to wait 9 months to do the calculations.

RSAcre · 13/05/2019 01:20

No I am not a bridezilla or trying to dictate when someone concieves

Bejaysus this is the thread that keeps on giving! - hilarious denial there Sweeny erm, have you READ your own post roundly ticking off the OP for having the temerity to have been TTC while - horrors! - someone she knew was planning a wedding?

@wouldthatbeworse - take heart - whatever the outcome of your chat with your friend, she can't posibly respond as unreasonably as that post!
Hope you get it sorted soon, your chum has a great day, & you have as stress-free a time of it as possible over the next few months.