To ask not to be a bridesmaid anymore

[wouldthatbeworse]

I’m not very into weddings but a close friend asked me to be bridesmaid and I said yes. But I’m now pregnant with DS2. If baby born on due date (unlikely) he’ll be 11 weeks at hen do and 16 weeks at wedding.

I just feel like I’m not being a proper bridesmaid. I’m unsure if I can make hen do. The other bridesmaid has organised this in a place meaningful to the bride but it’s 4 hours away and realistically even if I went for a few hours that’s a long time to leave a new baby.

I’m being pressured to choose a dress with the other bridesmaid which is impossible as I don’t know where I’ll be on baby weight. And I don’t know how I’m going to support bride on day/go for hair and make up with her while juggling two small DSs. My DH is an usher and he’ll try and help but won’t just be able to take both kids.

So can I tell The bride that I don’t think it’ll work for me to do it or do I just have to stick with it and try my best. Wedding still 4 months away.

'You weren't pregnant when she asked so if you were trying to conceive you should of perhaps refused or stopped for the couple of months it would interfer with the wedding'

Good grief.

there is a middle ground here and that would have been telling the bride months ago that you want to back out. It was a bit silly to wait 9 months to do the calculations.

A middle ground that can only be taken if you have a spare time machine to lend the OP, @Butteredghost, so "a bit silly" to suggest it as a solution don't you think?

@RSAcre not ticking her off for trying to conceive but I do think she probably should have either refused bridesmaid duties at the time of being asked or waited knowing what was involved and how difficult that would be with a very young baby. It's not really fair to commit to something if there is a good chance you cannot carry the commitment through.

not ticking her off for trying to conceive but

Sweeny, what part of your own post, clearly shown in bold several times above, are you having difficulty remembering? Is is the bit where you said she "should of stopped ... for the couple of months"?

I'm bored of reiterating this so won't respond to you again on this, but am glad you're now retracting what could have been seen as a very hurtful comment.
Not everyone can simply choose to get pregnant to a specific timeline, if at all. Night night .

Your DC are not just your responsibility OP, your friend wanted you to be bridesmaid, I think it would be a bit unfair to cancel on her now.

sweeneytoddsrazor
You weren't pregnant when she asked so if you were trying to conceive you should of perhaps refused or stopped for the couple of months it would interfer with the wedding. If it was accidental then you have had 8 months to talk to her.

This is one of the most fucked up things I've ever read on here, and that's saying something.

My post clearly said MAYBE she should have refused OR stopped i.e one or the other - her choice. It did not say she should not have ttc and that was the only option.

I think given the fairly short notice it wouldn’t be fair to let you friend down. Don’t go the hen if you don’t want to. Presumably she didn’t flip when you told her that you might not make it so just confirm that it’s going to be too much to leave a newborn for that long. And maybe your DH could chat to his friend and relinquish his usher duties to look after the kids since it’s a less critical role than bridesmaid and it’s probably not practical for you both to be in the wedding. As for the dress, just order it 2 sizes up from your pre-pregnancy size and line up a good seamstress to alter it 2 weeks before the wedding (I did this and it worked wonderfully). Your friend probably just wants you standing up there with her on the day; it would be a real shame to let her down. I was also a bridesmaid at 3 months and 6 months after having my baby and it was completely fine. Logistics of attending the hen aside, it honestly didn’t occur to me that having a baby would be a reason to drop out. I really think you’re overthinking it.

Thanks everyone. Some good advice in here. Mostly to have an honest conversation.

For info bride always new we were TTC and seems genuinely happy for us about baby. I should have spoken to her concerns as soon as I told her I was pregnant, when she could have asked someone else fairly discretely. I do feel bad about that.

If you don't think you can (or don't want to) be her bridesmaid, then you must tell her now. Then she has time to decide whether she wants someone else. It isn't fair to dither and either do it either half hearted or drop her in it at the last minute. This is her special day, she deserves a committed bridesmaid.

When did Bridesmaids organising everything become a thing? I've been married over 30 years so I've obvs missed something here (never been a bridesmaid )

What about brides who only have small girls as bridesmaids? do they miss out on stuff?

Congrats on the pregnancy, OP, tell your friend. I'm sure she'll be fine

OP just tell her

if you say you thought you would take it all in your stride but now realise that's unrealistic, that will be fine.

stop stressing and just tell her!

so if you were trying to conceive you should of perhaps refused or stopped for the couple of months it would interfer with the wedding.

I love MN

You sound lovely, I would honestly just sit with her and explain exactly what you've said in every post. I'm she sure will understand.