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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think he should lie?

33 replies

FriendsForeverForNow · 12/05/2019 15:02

Name changed for this. Friend is a bisexual who says he feels isolated by the lgbt community and straight people too.
He’s had many people say they no longer want to date when they find out he’s bi - mainly women.
He’s a good guy who wants a monogamous relationship so am I wrong in thinking he doesn’t need to disclose his sexuality?

If someone asks I don’t think he should lie but it feels while society is prejudiced it’s best to say nothing.

OP posts:
VanillaCoconutDove · 12/05/2019 15:06

I think it’s unfair to get people to engage in adult sexual relationships while omitting to tell truths.

I can understand if he’d say it’s not relevant now as he wishes to be in a monogamous heterosexual relationship with one particular woman. But it’s still that woman’s right to want a full landscape of choice.

I wouldn’t suggest he lie, it will come back to haunt him and suggests he should be ashamed of it.

Singlenotsingle · 12/05/2019 15:07

If he's intending to stay faithful to a future partner, it's academic and no need to disclose. If he's going to carry on having sex with other people, he needs to be honest.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 12/05/2019 15:08

Why would he want a relationship with the kind of woman he has to lie to?

Bluntness100 · 12/05/2019 15:08

Well I think it's completely fair for a woman not to wish to be in a relationship with a bisexual man. Some may want to others, not. And that's ok.

I'm surprised at his comments of being isolated by the lgbt and straight community though, being bi is no big deal and thoroughly accepted by most of society. What does he mean isolated?

I'm wondering if the issue isn't his sexuality, it's him. I'm sorry I don't know how to say that any less bluntly.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 12/05/2019 15:09

Oh yeah hiding our sexuality will do loads to change homophobia.....it's worked so well in the past.

Original poster
FriendsForeverForNow · 12/05/2019 15:11

Bluntness100 there are lots of articles where bi people say they feel the sane way www.independent.co.uk/voices/bisexual-bi-exclusion-pride-man-men-odd-one-out-coming-out-closet-a7846791.html?amp

Event at lgbt events.

OP posts:
Original poster
FriendsForeverForNow · 12/05/2019 15:13

It is as Singlenotsingle said. It’s academic when he is in a relationship. I don’t see it as hiding anything just why say it straight away?

OP posts:
WaterOffaDucksCrack · 12/05/2019 15:15

I'm surprised at his comments of being isolated by the lgbt and straight community though, being bi is no big deal and thoroughly accepted by most of society. What does he mean isolated? really? Most bisexual people come up against prejudice from heterosexuals for being too gay and homosexuals for being too straight.

I think bisexual men get it worse than women though. Although hetero women have been awful to be for being bi in real life and here. I had sarcastic comments on here calling me "cool" for being bisexual. It's like they're threatened for some unknown reason.

VanillaCoconutDove · 12/05/2019 15:15

I donate blood regularly. I’d be unable to donate blood if I’d had sex with a man who has engaged in sexual activity with another man (they recently revised this to a limited time period, I’m not sure what that is off the top of my head.)

If I was in a new relationship with your friend and I asked him in a relaxed way if he’d had sexual activity with another man, you think he should lie to me?

HBStowe · 12/05/2019 15:16

Bullshit, he absolutely shouldn’t have to lie. I’m bisexual and have faced prejudice from straight and gay people my whole life over my sexuality, and the worst advice is being told to pretend I’m straight. Bi-erasure is a totally real phenomenon, and telling us to pretend we don’t exist just contributes to that.

I admire any bisexual who lives their life out, and doesn’t hide their sexuality in order to male others feel more comfortable, because they make life easier for all the other bisexuals who will follow.

Loftyswops988 · 12/05/2019 15:17

If he wants to be in a relationship with anyone he should be upfront about his sexuality - that should go without saying?

Why would he want to be with someone who didn't accept him as a person.

Telling someone to lie about their sexuality is bad advice

Treaclesweet · 12/05/2019 15:17

No. He would be hiding part of himself from a partner! Living in fear of doing something to suggest bisexuality. A bisexual doesn't become straight when they're in a heterosexual partnership. This is a horrible idea.

HBStowe · 12/05/2019 15:18

being bi is no big deal and thoroughly accepted by most of society

Lol at this

IncrediblySadToo · 12/05/2019 15:18

Don’t be ridiculous.

ThatCurlyGirl · 12/05/2019 15:19

In the same position as him (though I'm a woman) and don't have the answer!

Men worryingly often say out loud that its a turn-on in a way that is oddly dehumanising as they wouldn't want to think of me shagging another man, or fantasise about that.

Other men assume I've had a drunken kiss with a girl in a club once and say it to get a reaction from men. Hmm

And many women I've dated who are gay often tell me I must be a lesbian but don't want to admit it.

Just my experiences of course but I feel to not be able to express my sexuality / discuss my past would be unfair on me and my partner. I'm utterly monogamous in relationships and that doesn't change whether I'm seeing a man or a woman.

Tbh the issue is a pretty good barometer of who I'm compatible with - nobody is obliged to accept my sexuality within a relationship (and it doesn't make them 'bad' if they don't) but if it is an issue for them they obviously aren't a person I want to be with long term.

jaseyraex · 12/05/2019 15:22

Surely he wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone he feels he has to lie to or keep things from anyway? If a potential partner doesn't like that he's bi then he just has to move on and find someone else. My DH is bisexual, I'd have been horrified if he felt he had to keep that from me.

ThatCurlyGirl · 12/05/2019 15:24

Ps to clarify, the women who have said this have used the word 'admit' in relation to being a lesbian. Not my words. Which is offensive in itself, as if it's a shameful secret. And that's just the kind of comments I hear from within the LGBT community!

Oh and I'm not "greedy" - another comment bi people frequently get IRL.

I'm 100% monogamous in relationships and it pisses me off people assume otherwise!

Original poster
FriendsForeverForNow · 12/05/2019 15:24

VanillaCoconutDove if you ask then of course. I just don’t think bringing it up first helps.

TreacleSweet living in fear really? What would it matter if he’s with one person?

Everyone against this is basically saying he should have a significantly lower chance of being accepted?

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 12/05/2019 15:25

@jaseyraex

You and your DH sound lovely and I'm heartened to hear this ThanksThanksThanks

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/05/2019 15:26

I agree he shouldn't lie, and I agree that he shouldn't have to lie but I can entirely see why he would feel the need to hide it.

But he shouldn't.

The right person will accept him and that is who he should hang out for, even if it takes a long time :(

HBStowe · 12/05/2019 15:27

@ThatCurlyGirl plus the lesbians who insist you’re actually straight and just curious, or pretending to be bi so men think you’re cool Hmm

ThatCurlyGirl · 12/05/2019 15:27

Everyone against this is basically saying he should have a significantly lower chance of being accepted?

No they're saying that he shouldn't waste either his own or a potential partner's time if they wouldn't accept his sexuality at any point. Isn't it better to find out upfront you aren't compatible? I think so personally.

VanillaCoconutDove · 12/05/2019 15:29

There’s some men I won’t sleep with because I know they’ve slept with a certain person and I just don’t fancy being in the same company.

There’s some men I don’t sleep with because they’ve been with friends, and I value the friendship above the possible lay.

Some I don’t fancy. Some I have no chemistry with. Basically, no one is ‘owed’ a shag. If he’s got to pretend to be something he’s not, it’s just... a bit crap really.

Would you think it was okay to mislead someone in regards to your age? We can all sit around saying age is just a number and isn’t relevant, but that doesn’t mean someone wants to be engaging sexually with a pensioner if they aren’t aware of it!

ThatCurlyGirl · 12/05/2019 15:30

@HBStowe Exactly! As I said earlier:

Other men assume I've had a drunken kiss with a girl in a club once and say it to get a reaction from men.
*
And many women I've dated who are gay often tell me I must be a lesbian but don't want to admit it.*

Its sad so many of us have had the same experiences, makes me blueSad

HBStowe · 12/05/2019 15:31

I think the point is, why would he want to be ‘accepted’ by someone who would have a problem with his sexuality? A relationship which only works because he’s hiding an important part of his identity isn’t a healthy and happy one. Better that he he weeds out the assholes who wouldn’t accept him by being upfront about it.